On Mothers and Manhattan

13 05 2008

Sunday was Mother’s Day.  Every year for me, it’s just another day.  Just another day to remember my mom, and try to remember what it felt like to have one.  Not surprisingly, I tend to be quiet and reflective, preferring to be alone.  When I woke up this year on Mother’s Day, it was no different.  B was headed out the door to play soccer with friends, kissing me as he left.  I laid in bed, playing with my pup, then started thinking about things.  It didn’t take long before my eyes filled with tears, and I had to get up and get moving.  It tends to be the only day I cry about her now.  Sometimes on Christmas too, but mostly just Mother’s Day.  It hurts not having her here to buy flowers for, to spend time with.  I found myself watching tv spacing out to the television for a few hours.  Eventually, I just got up and got to work cleaning and being domestic.  It’s really the only way to let it all go.

I leave for NYC on Thursday morning.  I’m taking off from Richmond at 6 and will be arriving at JFK at 7:15 a.m.  I’m super excited.  I’m going to miss B like crazy, but I love to travel and time away will do my soul some good. 

I promise to post pics when I’m back!  How about that?  Perhaps you’ll even get a few of me, with my face cut out of them.  No promises on that one.  It will be hard to explain that to a friend who doesn’t know about my blog.  But we’ll see what I can pull off. ;)




Set of 3 Tables for Sale!

8 05 2008

To all of my lovely freaders and lurkers ;)

I’m selling a set of three tables — one coffee table, two end tables — silver metal bottoms and glass tops.  They’re in excellent condition, and B and I purchased them originally for well over $300.  I’m willing to sell the three of them for $175.  The coffee table is oval.  The end tables are round.  I would post pictures, but my digital camera decided to die.  I have pictures of them stored in my cell phone, and if anyone is interested, I’m willing to picture text you the photos.  We’ll have to work out something for shipping, of course.

If anyone is interested, please email me at chasingparadise@wordpress.com.

 




For me, and only me.

5 05 2008

Saturday I had a date with myself.  I needed to go shopping desperately because ever since I changed my eating habits, I’ve lost a lot of weight.  I only had one pair of pants I could wear to work, and they had gotten a little too loose.  (The downside of losing a lot of weight?  Let me rephrase that…The only downside to losing a lot of weight?  It costs a lot to keep yourself clothed properly!)  When I weighed myself Saturday morning, I noticed I was down 36 pounds since New Year’s Day.  It’s all very exciting, but I’m used to losing weight by now, so I just smiled to myself and hopped in the shower.  It wasn’t until later on, in the dressing room of a store, that it really hit me.

I grabbed a few things to try on — a denim skirt, some dress pants, and a few tops.  I grabbed things in my current size and one size smaller, just in case.  MIraculously, all the tops I tried on were too big, and I had to grab a smaller size.  This has not happened — not in years.  I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and kept moving through the huge pile of clothes.  I put on the denim skirt in my current size and it slid down my hips, noticeably too big for me.  I unbuttoned the one in a size smaller, turned away from the mirror, and closed my eyes.  When I pulled it up from my ankles, above my knees, to my waist, and buttoned it, I nearly burst into tears.  It fit perfectly.   When I turned around to look in the mirror at the image staring back at me, I could hardly believe it.  I was standing in a dressing room, wearing the same size I wore as a freshman and sophomore in high school.  From there, it was all a blur.  I tried on everything I had brought in with me, making piles of “way too big” and “perfect” on the bench.  After I finished trying all of those on, I grabbed bikinis.  BIKINIS!  Who am I?! 

All in all, I bought four new pairs of pants for work.  I went the sensible route — I bought only things I needed right now, since the money situation is kinda tight, and pants for work are a priority.  But it felt SO! Damn! Amazing! to put on skirts and shorts and dresses that are TWO SIZES SMALLER than I was on New Year’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!  I felt so proud of myself, like I had climbed this huge mountain all by myself, had done it the right way, and I was reaching the summit.  Because you see, I’m not finished yet.

I’ve never been “small.”  I will never be a size 2 or a 4.  That is just not possible.  When I was in 7th grade, I wore a size 7/8, and my dad called me “skinny minny.”  He would say “you have chicken legs, but I love you.”  By the time I got to high school, I was in a 9/10, but I was active and I felt pretty.  I was a cheerleader and I had no extra “jiggle.”  It was just the way my body was built — muscular, strong, with a curvy body shape and hips.  Hips for days.  But it never bothered me.  Junior year, I inched my way into 11/12s and I was getting worried.  But I told myself “you’re growing up and you’re turning into a woman.”  Then, in college, I started to be more proactive about it.  Freshman year I worked out like a maniac and lived off of salads.  I didn’t weigh myself, but looking back, I’d say I probably dropped about 15 pounds or so.  My 11/12s were too big on me, but I just wore a belt and sucked it up.  I was too broke back then to buy new clothes (Ed. note:  I was too busy putting myself through school and paying for everything all by myself).  But then, after I joined a sorority and started going out more often and “socializing” (Ed. Note: ahem, drinking!) I gained weight pretty quickly.  I avoided scales at all costs, but it didn’t take a genius to know that I’d crossed the threshold from “curvy” to “plus-size”.  I was officially into a 13/14 and that was not okay. 

After graduation, I joined a gym and worked out like a fiend.  Everyone said that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, but I refused to weigh myself.  Facing the number on the scale seemed like an insurmountable task that I couldn’t bear to attempt.  I took spin classes, dance classes, lifted weights, and did millions of sit-ups.  But nothing that I did was able to get me into smaller pants.  Nothing.  It was daunting.  Now, looking back, I realize I just wasn’t eating right to go along with the working out.  Back then, I figured this was just my body type, that I was just a plus-sized girl and there was nothing I could do about it.  I stopped being comfortable having sex with the lights on.  I didn’t want B to see me naked in full view.  I’m sure it was frustrating for him, but he was wonderful about it, and he would just say “baby, you’re so beautiful and I love you the way you are…all of you.”  I would smile, but really, I knew deep down I needed to lose some weight.  For me, and only me.

What did it for me?  I went on the South Beach Diet.  It totally kicked my ass in the first two weeks, but it was worth it.  My blood chemistry is better, my blood pressure is phenomenal, and well, there’s the whole issue of how I’ve lost 36 pounds, two sizes, and 5 inches from my waist.  My face and arms are much thinner, and actually, my hair is stronger.  I guess all the nutrients I’ve substituted for the empty calories in my diet have paid off!  I feel stronger, and I’m able to do more.  I’m finally back into a size 10, and not to toot my own horn too much, but I look great!  The South Beach Diet will always be a part of my life, because it has taught me the proper way to eat.  I eat whole grain bread instead of white; brown rice instead of white; fruit instead of crackers/cookies; splenda instead of sugar.  It’s really simple and easy to follow.  And, I never feel hungry.

Looking back on New Year’s Day, when I finally had the nerve to hop on a scale, I think I knew it was time.  It was almost as if someone was in my head telling me to stop being scared and start doing something about it.  I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to do it at first.  I thought I’d lose 15 pounds at the most.  But because of a lot of hard work, a lot of self-determination, and with the support of B, I’ve lost 36 pounds and I still have a little ways to go.

My ultimate goal is to lose another 12.  At that point, I’ll be down 48 pounds and possibly 3 sizes.  I did this for myself, but it’s pretty great that B said to me last night “You know, ever since you started losing all this weight, I really can’t take my eyes off of you!”

And, we had sex last night…with all the lights in the house on. ;)




Enough bitching (well, almost)

2 05 2008

For the past couple of days, I’ve logged into WordPress and just stared at the blinking cursor.  After about 2 or 3 minutes of this, I’ve logged out and resumed mindlessly twiddling my thumbs.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say.  It’s just that the things I have to say?  Well, they’re stupid.  I can think about plenty of things to bitch about (hey maybe I should resume WTF Wednesday next week) but I’m tired of bitching.  I’m tired of things ticking me off, ruining my day, and all in all turning me into a Sour Sally.  All these frowns aren’t good for preventing wrinkles after all.  The real problem is, I don’t really have anything to be happy about right now.  It’s been a tough week.  I’m tired of work.  I’m tired of the strange dreams at night that prompt me to wake up confused and angry.  AND I’ve come to the realization that no matter how much you want to trust someone, to like them unconditionally, to believe in them, if they suck as a person it’s just not going to happen.  What do you do when someone who you’ve invested real time and energy into turns out to be a selfish brat who doesn’t take your feelings into consideration?

Dammit, there I go with the bitching.

I leave for NYC in just under two weeks.  I’m hella excited about this, but also kind of weary because the person I’m bitching about above?  Yeah, she’s my travelling companion.  I just pray that everything works out, and she can put her selfish attitude aside for three days.  (On a side note, if anyone has some recommendations of things to do and see while I’m there, please let me know.  I’ve got all the basics lined up:  Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty & Ellis Island, The Met, etc.  Give me some little-known spots or dining recommendations!)

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy and chaotic.  I’ve been running around like a mad-woman who’s trying to DO! IT! ALL! and in the shortest amount of time imaginable, so I’m kind of run down.  Here’s how I envision this weekend proceeding:  Watch movies tonight and stay up as late as I can (to therefore enhance the amount of time I can sleep in tomorrow!).  Clean my house.  Make some tasty food.  Work on staining my deck (that bitch is taking FOREVER!).  Do some yard work.  Maybe have dinner with bff.  Buy a birthday present for my sorta-kinda little sis (she’s the little sis of a best friend who is turning 16), go to her birthday cookout and see my sorta-kinda adoptive family.  All in all, some quality time with people who matter, and some rest and relaxation.  B will be stuck working tomorrow (the pitfalls of his job - spring and summer are crazy busy), so I won’t see him much this weekend.  But that’s okay.  That alone time I discussed in a previous post?  Yeah, I’m needing a little bit of that again…

..if only to evaluate some things and sort out some confusion in my head regarding relationships with friends.  Because really — I can’t take much more of this shit!




Just a thought…

30 04 2008

Whatever happened to manners?  Whatever happened to appreciation and gratitude?  Whatever happened to people being thankful for help that is offered?  Whatever happened to showing some respect and working with others?

What has happened to common decency?

People never fail to surprise me with their total lack of respect, consideration, and humility.  They forget the value in the words “I’m sorry” or “I screwed up.” 

All in all, it disgusts me and makes me remember that sometimes, people are just rude assholes!




Toeing the line of decency

25 04 2008

Have you all ever had a friend who you didn’t exactly trust fully?  I know it sounds ridiculous because you’re probably thinking “why would you consider someone your friend if you felt you couldn’t trust them?”  It’s complicated.  It’s like, I want to trust her.  Life would be easier if I did trust her.  I’m sure our friendship would be more “real” if I trusted her fully, yet, I just can’t get there.  There is just something about her that makes me feel ill at ease in certain situations.

Mostly involving B.

I’ve been friends with her for about three years.  We met through mutual friends and hit it off immediately.  We hung out a lot, did things together, had common interests, etc.  But there always seemed to be this wall in between us that we couldn’t break through.  It was a silent problem — I knew it was there, but I never said anything.  I sensed that she knew it was there too, yet she never said anything either.  But then, about a year into the friendship, I figured it out.  I didn’t trust her around my boyfriend.

I started noticing the overly flirty way she behaved around him.  She sought out attention from him.  B is the type of guy who just doesn’t notice things like that, so when I finally said something to him about it, I wasn’t surprised at his reaction.

“No way.  I think you’re just being paranoid.”

But then, he noticed it too.  I guess after having said something to him, he started to pick up on little signals that to him, just didn’t feel right. 

“You know, I think you might not be so crazy after all.  I can definitely see what you’re saying now.”

He started keeping his distance.  I think he might even feel a little uncomfortable around her at times.  Mostly, it happens when we’re in a social situation and we’ve been drinking.  She gets to this point where it’s like she doesn’t even know what she’s doing.  Before I know it, she’s trying to dance with him, touching his arm a lot, attempting to take pictures with him, etc.  Normally I’m not a person who shies away from a confrontation.  But for some reason, I tend to just sit there silently, stewing in my anger and discomfort.  At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just me.  But then after B said something, my justification turned to “maybe I just made him feel paranoid with my own paranoia.”  But then, a few weeks back, she was being overly flirty with B again, and this time, another friend witnessed it.  She pulled me aside and said “[CP], WHAT are you doing?  Why don’t you go say something to her about the way she’s acting with B?”  I just half-smiled, shrugged my shoulders and said, “Oh, it’s nothing.  I trust him.”  She crossed her arms over her chest, looked at me with concern and said “Yeah, but do you trust HER?”

Last night I had a dream nightmare that involved B ignoring me and spending all his time with her.  I was walking around with a girlfriend, trying to enjoy myself at some sort of carnival, but we kept catching sight of B with her.  They were laughing and smiling.  He wouldn’t look at me.  And when I would call out his name, he pretended not to hear me.  I felt heartbroken, like all my suspicions had been justified, and I was being manipulated.  I was so angry at her — angry for hurting me, for destroying our “friendship”, and for stealing the only boy who I’ve ever loved.  But did I say anything to her?  No.  I stood there, rooted to the spot like concrete, unable to defend myself or fight for the guy I love.  And when I woke up this morning, having slept through my alarm for 30 minutes, I was pissed off.  Did I really need that extra 30 minutes of sleep?  Especially if it involved THAT kind of mental activity?  I don’t think so.

I’m the eternal optimist, and I believe in the good in everyone, so call me crazy, but — I don’t think she does it on purpose.  I don’t think she even realizes she’s doing it.  And really, who could blame her?  I haven’t spoken up about it, so she doesn’t even know that it bothers me.  But she’s the type of person that if I go to her with this, she’ll be angry and defensive and just get pissed off and stop speaking to me.  And really, I don’t have the energy to deal with that kind of childish drama. 

I guess I’m just pissed off at myself for not speaking up.  For not having the ability to just put my girl girl panties on and deal with it. 

WTF?  She is the one who is toeing the line of decency and I feel guilty? 




Discovered

22 04 2008

I had a weekend completely to myself.  On Friday afternoon, B called to say he would be going out of town for the weekend to visit some family.  Bummed out, I wondered “What am I going to do with all this time alone?”  I started thinking of ways to entertain myself, and stressing out about being in our house alone.  We live in a neighborhood that’s beautiful, but to be honest, quite freaky at night.  There aren’t a lot of street lights, and it’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop in your neighbor’s house.  I tend to close all the blinds and turn on all the lights when I’m there alone, and well, it’s a little more than unsettling.

But I found that when left to my own devices for 2 nights and 2 days, I’m actually quite happy.  Oh, of course I missed B.  That’s a given.  But it was good to stay quiet, not talking very much, and spend time with my dogs and cats in peace and quiet.  I watched movies.  I sang to the radio.  I cleaned the house.  I did all the laundry I could find then put it all away (which, let’s be honest, is about as rare as me working out, haha).  I cooked meals for myself, with only my needs in mind.  I curled up on the couch with my blanket and a book and read until it was finished.  I snuggled and played with my puppy.  I took B’s dog for a long walk.  I slept in and went to bed late.  I layed in the middle of the bed.  I checked the mail and sorted all of the paperwork that was waiting to be filed.  I gave myself a pedicure.  I curled my hair and put on makeup for no real reason.  I gave myself a facial and shaved my legs.  I did all this for me.  And you know what?

It felt fantastic.

Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely glad to have B come home…and those shaved legs were useful for the fun we had on Sunday evening. And though it might seem small to others, to me, it was a huge success.  Normally I’m so stressed out worrying about things that could happen to me when I’m alone (break-in, rape, torture, you know) that I forget to enjoy the quiet.  (Anxiety much?)  But this time, I took time to stop and smell the roses.  Metaphorically speaking.

I kinda can’t wait until this happens again!




Weeeeee!

14 04 2008

Obnoxious post title, but that’s kind of how I feel at the moment.  Plus, it’s quite the change from the tone of my last post, wherein, I was a sick and whiny bitch, no? 

There’s no particular reason for the total change of mindset.  This weekend saw nothing fantastic happen.  B and I got a lot of rest, did some housecleaning, ran a lot of errands, and accomplished some major grocery and essentials shopping.  We were out of EVERYTHING — right down to body wash, deodorant, trash bags, and kitty litter.  It was one of THOSE trips.  It took 4 hours to get it all done.  Yikes.  Our bank account is currently cussing us out.  We had dinner with some friends on Saturday night, and laid around being lazy yesterday.  But for some reason, I feel as though the wheels are turning, and good things are on their way. 

Okay so can I just divulge some of the latest details about my engagement ring?  Well, faithful freaders will recall that it’s been about four months since we picked out and ordered my setting.  It’s been a loooooong four months my friends!  The ring took forever to arrive to the store, about 10 weeks, due to them being overly-busy (holiday season and such), and the fact that it had to be completely manufactured and sized appropriately.  From there, B had the monumental task of picking out a diamond for the setting.  That was about a month ago.  It’s been taking a while because the ring is kind of expensive (okay, pretty damn expensive — more expensive than we were anticipating), and B had to save up money for it.  It’s just about paid for!  I have no idea what the diamond looks like, or when it’s going to be ready.  I hope very soon, because I cannot wait.  I’m the world’s most impatient person and these kinds of things are hard to keep quiet, but I’ve been doing my best. ;)  It may end up being a while because I know B wants to surprise me with it, by asking me when I least expect it.  Just keep your fingers crossed that it will be soon and all will be well!

I’m just so happy today I could squeal!  The sky is blue, the bills are paid, and everything is going well.  It hasn’t always been easy, and I know it won’t always be easy, but I have a lot of good things to look forward to.  Like my trip to NYC, which is next month! 

Thank you all so, so much for your kind comments and emails on my last post.  What did I ever do without you guys, seriously?!




Sick.

11 04 2008

!@#$!  That about sums up how I am feeling today.  Pissed off, emotional, sick.  Sore throat, painful ears, body aches.  I’m so fucking tired of being sick I could just scream.  I’m stressed out (over my job).  I’m irritated (with myself).  I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and fucking hibernate.  I want the whole world to go away, leave me the hell alone for 5 minutes, and just let me get better.

At 7:30 this morning, I laid on my bed, face done up with makeup, hair dripping wet.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, just not feeling well.  I tried to call B.  Once.  Twice.  Three times.  No answer.  I debated calling out of work, but the thought of having to deal with hearing my boss’s exasperation was too much to bear.  I’ve called out sick one time, and she was so audibly annoyed with me that I started to feel terribly guilty.  Then I remembered — wait a second, you’re fucking sick.  She’s just going to have to get over it.  However, this morning I dragged my tired, sore ass out of bed and finished getting ready.  I tried to call B on my way to work again.  No answer.

Why the fuck couldn’t he just pick up the phone?  I just needed to hear his voice, to hear him say “I’m sorry you feel sick, baby.”  I know he’s probably busy, but it’s annoying.  I think I’m more annoyed at the fact that I’m sitting at my desk because I’m too scared of calling out sick to my boss.  Maybe I’m just annoyed with myself.

This blog entry sucks.  My blog sucks lately.  Everything sucks. 




Emotional

9 04 2008

resentment

: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Sometimes it’s just so hard to let go.  I know that forgiveness is my best option, but I sometimes wonder if I’m capable of true forgiveness.  In general, it’s much easier for me to forgive than it is to forget.  This results in me later on remembering what has happened, and then continuing to build up resentment until it eventually explodes.  I struggle with this.  Always have.  I am ashamed to admit this, but I tend to hold grudges, and hold them strong.  I’m just not the type of person who lets go and moves on easily.  There, I said it.

Sometimes I remember the events of last March and I grow angry and bitter.  I remember back to how heartbroken I was, how totally hopeless I felt, and I feel like I could just erupt with anger.  I know it’s all over and done with — after all, it was more than a year ago, but sometimes I just feel angry towards B for the way he made me feel.  What was the most recent trigger?  I was playing around on MySpace (oh MySpace, I should just stay away from your evil ass) and I saw a video on a friend’s page from last year, just 4 days after B broke up with me.  In it, he was laughing and smiling and having a great time — being his usual happy self.  There was no sign of worry or guilt in his demeanor.  That very same night, I was at a friend’s house, trying desperately to forget, to move on, to just be happy without trying too hard.  But at the time, it was impossible.  All I wanted to do was fall apart, and have him put the pieces back together carefully, making sure to apologize and try to win me back.  It eventually happened, but the memories of those 6 weeks are still raw.  It’s stupid, I know.  But it’s how I feel.

Last night I blew up.  I had been having a bad day at work, frustrated with a situation that I have no control over, and I was desperately trying to calm down and let loose.  B was in a bad mood too, and about 10 minutes after I walked in the door, we were full out yelling at each other over stupid things.  In these kinds of situations, there is only one thing to do:  walk away and take a breather.  We retreated to different areas of the house, taking some time away from the argument.  At about 10:00, I approached him in the living room and informed him I was going to bed.  Upon sensing that he was still mad, I became even more angry and started crying.  Frustrated over feeling as though I’m the only one who has to worry about cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc (even though that’s so not true), I just blew up at him.  Crying, raising my voice…it wasn’t pretty.  What it all boiled down to was a bad day coupled with a reminder of my anguish of last year.  All of this added up to equal a mess of an evening.

I felt like we resembled Carrie and Aidan from that scene in Sex & The City where they have a fight and neither one of them is willing to admit they were wrong.  Instead of one of them being mature and just taking the steps to correct the problem, they both stayed angry and stood their ground.  It’s not effective, and neither were B and I last night.

This morning brought a little bit of relief.  Sometimes you just have to sleep on it.  When he left for work, he kissed me goodbye, hugged me, and said he was sorry.  So I apologized too.

But I can’t help but think — when will I ever let go of the resentment?