Paradise…LOST.

Ohhhhhh man.  I just heard a bit of news.  Good news/bad news, it’s all the same.  Someone in my group of friends just got engaged.  I can hear you over there squeeing with delight.  But me?  I’m not squeeing!  I’m…seething with rage.  I’m…sick to my stomach.

It’s nothing personal, really.  Well, part of it is.  The couple that just got engaged has been together about a year or so.  I really lost track.  It might even be less than a year.  Anyway, I don’t really hang around them because I spend most of my time with my friends from college, so we travel in the same circles, but don’t associate frequently.  The guy is nice.  He’s a little shy, but always respectful and I like him enough.  The girl, on the other hand, I consider a full-fledged BRAT.  She’s one of those girls who claims to Hate All Girls, doesn’t have any girlfriends, and quite honestly, is whiny.  One of my friends hangs out with them a lot, and she often provides me with tales of them fighting while they are out.  Usually the girl gets too drunk and she can’t shut her mouth…whining about anything and everything.  Basically, they fight every time they drink together.  I have always felt a little sorry for the guy because I can’t imagine having to deal with that.  But whatever, it’s not my life.  The reason I say it’s a little personal is I don’t like the girl.  I was so nice to her when she first came around and I tried to make her feel welcome.  She was nice too.  But then I started to hear stories of her talking about me, spreading stories of things that happened to me, genuinely enjoying my misery.  This was all going on when B and I split up earlier this year.  I was already so down in the dumps…I didn’t need others pointing out my misery and laughing at it.  So I’ve developed a little bit of a grudge.  Whatever.

But no…the reason this bothers me is HELLO I WANT TO BE ENGAGED.  I’ve been with B for so long now and it’s all I can think about.  We’ve been together for YEARS and seen each other through so many more downs than ups, and we’re still standing.  I don’t think people who are dating less than a year (it may be more than a year, whatever, SHUT UP) and fight every time they go out socially should get engaged.  There, I said it.

I feel bad about saying it, but come on now…

 I’m trying not to be a brat myself, but it’s hard.  Every day I get to go home to this wonderful guy who loves me for who I am, who accepts me, yet encourages me to better myself.  He has been there for me through the hardest periods of my life.  I love him so much that it’s unimaginable.  To say he’s my safety net would be an understatement.  The thought of him proposing to me is a daily occurrence.  When I think about it, I get all jittery inside and have to physically restrain myself from running around the house and jumping up and down.  I’m just terribly IMPATIENT.

Before you think I’m a monster, you have to know that when a girlfriend of mine from college got married this year, I was truly so impressed and happy for her.  I cried at her wedding and was so proud of her and glad to be present at the beginning of their life together.  When another girlfriend of mine from college (who has been with her boyfriend for 6 years ) got engaged, I made her tell me the story over and over again, all while grinning from ear to ear.  I’m an equal opportunity friend…provided that you’ve got some history to your relationship and you genuinely love each other.  Otherwise, I’m a caged monster ready to explode.

I don’t know why this happens to me.  I have no reason to feel the way I do.  But I feel like everyone else is beating me in the race of life.  The best way I can explain it is that I’m an avid goal setter.  I set goals and then I promptly set out to accomplish them.  Nothing can get in my way.  But this goal…this whole engagement/wedding/rest of my life thing is not mine to accomplish.  I’ve already found the guy of my dreams.  I’ve already found my best friend.  It’s not up to me to take the next step.  It’s up to him.  So there’s this big block on my path to success and I can’t get around it because it’s no longer my race to run.

And it’s entirely frustrating! 

I know B wants to marry me.  I know that somewhere along the way, he woke up and decided he was ready.  I know this, because he told me.  One day he started talking about it, and now he won’t shut up.  He woke me up in the middle of the night once to tell me that I was his best friend and he couldn’t wait to add another title for me: WIFE.  He got tears in his eyes at my friends wedding and squeezed my hand and said “I can’t wait until that’s us.”  I know it’s all there.  So why the hell can’t I just be happy for others and wait my turn?

I know what you’re thinking.  I’m crazy.  I’m a spoiled brat.  I’m not grateful for what I have.  Some of those are true.  I am crazy.  I’m not a spoiled brat.  I am ENTIRELY grateful for what I have.  I’m just impatient.  I let my fears get the best of me.  I’m truly beginning to feel like it will NEVER happen and I’ll end up an old maid.

Any advice on how to handle?  I’m starting to buckle under the pressure of it all!