Perspective

I’m back!  Sorry for the lack of posts.  Sometime a girl just needs a few days to recharge.

Some things happened over this four day weekend to make me gain new perspective in regards to my relationships with people.  After being disappointed numerous times on Saturday (B’s birthday), I decided to shut my phone off and stop making myself so available.  Why?  Because a few of my friends are guilty of making our friendship so one-sided that I’m frustrated and annoyed right down to my bones.  I needed a few days without their phone calls and text messages to think and evaluate things.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

Friday was wonderful!  I left work early, had lunch with B, and went shopping.  We decided that since our Christmas was going to be very low-key this year, that we should just take advantage of the numerous 50% off sales and buy our gifts for each other that day.  That night we went to a friend’s birthday party.  It was kind of a long day, but long in a satisfying way because it was just what we needed.

Saturday was B’s birthday.  We had a lot of things to do to get ready for his party at our house later that night.  My niece and a friend came to stay with us, and we met 15 or so friends for dinner at a Japanese steakhouse and sushi bar.  This is where things started to go downhill.  I had made reservations for 12, since that is the number that RSVPd to me.  People showed up late.  Now, I think you should know that being late is my BIGGEST pet-peeve.  If you know that dinner starts at 8, why would you leave with only 15 minutes to spare?  But whatever, moving on…  People rolled in late, without any regard to the time I had indicated, but I let it go.  I just wanted B to have a good time.  Four of his friends showed up around 8:45, and since there was absolutely no room at our table, they decided to sit at the bar.  B was then forced to go between our main table and their seating at the bar so that they didn’t feel left out. 

One of my friends, who I’ve known for a very long time, was there with her boyfriend.  This is the friend that I’ve been feeling somewhat ambivalent toward, due to her refusal to see that her boyfriend is using her and manipulating her.  She has no life outside of him anymore and I have been telling B for weeks now that I feel as though I’m only her friend over the telephone.  And I’m tired of it. 

Flashback to October, when it was HIS birthday.  B and I had a wedding to go to, which took most of the day.  However, we still made an appearance at his birthday party.  We didn’t even show up until 11:00, but we came straight from the wedding, stopping only for 10 minutes to change out of our formal wear.  We were tired and worn out from the day, but we were there.  Instead of being grateful for our appearance, we were greeted with “Where the hell have you been?  Fuck a wedding.  You should have been here.”  When I explained that it was a wedding for one of my best friends from college, they shrugged their shoulders and made it clear that they felt we had chosen the wrong event for the day.  I let that go.  A few days later, we went out to dinner with them, and B ended up picking up the check…to the tune of $120!  I was annoyed, but it was B’s decision.  I was hoping that they would show the same kind of respect towards B for his birthday…not necessarily paying for dinner, but at least showing up and having a good time.  My friend had been saying all week that they would come to dinner and the party but that they would not be staying long because they had some family obligations the next day.  Family obligations I can understand.  But I knew deep down that she was just bullshitting and would be backing out the first chance she got. 

I was halfway right.

They came to dinner and it was awkward.  The rest of the people who were there are friends that we see quite often, hang out with often.  Everyone was having a good time, but they looked uncomfortable.  Whispering to each other, etc.  Halfway through the meal, B opened up his cards from people.  Two of our friends had given him a gift certificate.  About 3 minutes after this, my friend came over with a $20 bill and said it was to help pay for B’s dinner.  It was very kind of her, but I couldn’t help wondering if they only did it because of the other friends’ gift card. 

After dinner was over, she came over to say goodbye, that they wouldn’t be going to the party.  At that point, I just tuned her out.  I was right all along.  As we were getting in the car go go back to our house for the party, her and her boyfriend were talking to B and saying that if we wanted to come to their house the next day, we could.  I explained that while it was a nice gesture, we wouldn’t be coming because I had company and I would be tired from the weekend.  She looked offended.  But I was offended, too.  I was offended at the apparent discrepancy between what my version of friendship is and what her version of friendship is.  I didn’t want to seem rude or hurt her feelings, but I was pretty peeved.

I wish I could say that was the end of the bad stuff that night, but it wasn’t.

Then my bff bailed.  She couldn’t make it to dinner because her sister had unexpectedly decided to visit, so they had dinner alone.  I texted her during dinner to see if they were still coming and she said yes.  She asked me to call her when we were finished.  When I did, she wouldn’t answer.  Then, about 15 minutes later, she started texting me with a crisis.  I knew this was her way of getting out of coming, so I called her to explain that I didn’t have time to text, but I needed to know if she was coming or not.  She said no, hemmed and hawed about it and said she was sorry.  At that point, I was over it.  Over.It.

Once we got to the house and everyone loosened up, I started having fun.  I’m sorry to say it didn’t last long.

One of B’s friends (we’ll call him Dickhead) has always hated me.  Always.  We’re talking from day one.  Recently he was thrown out of his girlfriend’s house, who happens to be a friend of mine.  He was cheating on her with numerous girls and once she discovered everything, it was over.  She didn’t hear from him for six weeks, and she was okay with that.  Then all of a sudden, he came back trying to win her over.  She wasn’t having any of it.  Smart girl.  Ever since then, he’s been even more crass and rude.  Case in point:  while at my friends birthday party on Friday night, I discovered he had written on one of the party tables “I hope ______ dies.”  I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. 

(Tangent:  Don’t worry!  I blacked out his vengeful message with permanent marker, but left his signature, under which I wrote “is a huge asshole.”  Some of the other girls at the party wrote “is a huge cheater” and “is freakishly ugly.”  What can I say, mess with one, mess with all!)

Later in the night, while I was in the restroom, I heard B and Dickhead arguing with each other.  I couldn’t tell what it was about, so I decided to go find out.  As I was walking down the hallway, I saw my niece sitting on the couch, observing the argument.  I asked her what it was about, and she said she wasn’t sure.  From where I stood, behind the Christmas tree, I could see and hear them, but they couldn’t see me.  I was not happy with what I heard.

“Your friendship is important to me, but some of the things you say hurt my feelings,” B said, as he tried to stop Dickhead from walking out the front door.

“Yeah, well feelings are for pussies.”

“You can’t say shit about [Paradise].  I love her.  You don’t have to understand that, but you have to respect it.  I love her, and she’s the most important thing in my life.”

“Well, have a nice fucking life, B.  Because obviously we’re not friends.”

“No, we are!  You are my friend, but you’re making it difficult.”

“Yeah, well you have some choices to make,” Dickhead said, as he turned around to look at me, “and you need to FIX what you ‘love’.”

Then he stormed out of our house.  B tried to plead with him as he was getting in the car, but eventually they sped off and B was left standing in the driveway. 

The next day, as B and I talked it over, he started to tear up and said “I can’t keep trying with him.  He wants me to choose between him and you, and that will never happen.  I will never choose him over you.”

Perspective.  Dickhead should never ask B to choose between his friendship and me, just like I shouldn’t ask my friend of many years to choose between her relationship with her boyfriend and me.  I know that.  But then, as I was explaining to B, “you guys have been friends for a long time now, but people change and your friendship has changed”, is when it hit me.  My friendship with her has changed.  We’re all growing up and my life is moving forward, but my friendship with her is not.  We only ever communicate through the telephone.  We never hang out.  Whenever I invite her somewhere, she always has some kind of an excuse.  In the 2.5 years since I graduated and came home, she has gone out with me one time.  Even then, her boyfriend tried to make it difficult for her by being a jerk and causing her to not want to go.  It’s not a healthy relationship.  Every time she comes to me about their problems, I offer advice and motivation and understanding.  I explain to her that he is not the end all, be all.  That she can and will have a life after him.  But she stays.  I’ve done all I can.  I’m tired of trying so hard.

Friendships should not be this hard.  While I’m not ready to throw in the towel on my friendships with them, I’m going to stop making myself so available.  I feel like I give so much to my friendships, and when I get the bare minimum in return, it wears me out.  I was so upset this weekend that I wasn’t sure what to do with myself.

As for Dickhead, well, there’s more to that story.  He left several angry and mean voicemails on B’s cell phone after he stormed out of our house on Saturday night.  They basically reiterated what he already said.  He wants B to choose.  He says B can do “way better” than me.  Then the last message must have been from the next day, because it didn’t mention anything about what happened, just that his brother had left some CDs at our house and was wondering if B could bring them down and hang out.  When B heard the messages, he had only one thing to say:

“My friendship with him is over.”

Friendships are supposed to make our lives better, easier.  When it gets too hard to understand, too hard to carry on, all you can do is keep moving forward.  My friendship with BFF will be fine.  I’m sure we’ll talk today.  My friendship with the other girl, might not be salvagable.  She only wants me to fit into her life in ways that are convenient for her, which is when she wants me, where she wants me, and over the telephone. 

B’s friendship with Dickhead, I’m sorry to say, probably isn’t going to last.  I don’t see how it could.