I only have myself to blame

Drama drama everywhere and no one to blame.  Except myself.

I asked for it.  I complained that my life was getting boring and stagnant.  And I wanted to shake things up a bit.  Well, the gods must have heard my plea for mercy and granted me some wish fulfillment.  Too bad it wasn’t the kind of drama I wanted.

Friday was awful.  A no good, horrible, very-bad day at work.  Followed by an even longer and more terrible drive home, due to traffic.  I got into an argument with B.  He was in a pissy mood, and instead of just telling me why (and it didn’t even have anything to do with me), instead he pouted and was short with me and had an attitude.  Which caused me to have an attitude.  Which led to us fighting on the phone on the way home.  By the time he got home, I was sitting on our bed, crying and dabbing away at the day’s remnants of mascara and eyeliner running down my cheek.  I guess all it took for him to realize what an insensitive jerk he’d been, was to see me sitting there, crying.  He felt awful, confided what his problem was, and said he was sorry. 

Saturday started out amazing.  It was cold, but sunny, and all of us were excited for the day’s activities.  Seven girls + a sober driver (B volunteered) + four wineries = a hell of a lot of fun. 

We got a late start.  M2 was over an hour late getting to our meeting point.  Her ex showed up late as hell to pick up their kids.  He did it just to spite her, knowing that she had plans for the day.  Every minute that she was late was taking away from the time we needed to complete the wine trail.  We sat around on edge waiting for her to get there, knowing it wasn’t her fault.  Once he finally arrived and she was able to leave, he decided to insult her physical appearance via text message.  Because you know, when you’re a grown-ass man, and you have kids, you can be classy like that.  Asshole.

At the end of the day, as we were all drunk with happiness and massive amounts of red and white wine, the drama with the other girls started.  Two of the girls, T and K, date brothers.  T has been with her boyfriend for about five years.  K has been with hers for two years.  Both of their boyfriends are possessive and jealous types, never wanting their other half to have a life of their own.  What is the problem with a bunch of girls hanging out all day, drinking wine and having girl time, I ask you?  The only boy around us was my boyfriend B, and that was because he was sweet enough to offer to be our designated driver.  T and K’s boyfriends started getting angry with the fact that we were all staying at S’s house for the night.  They felt as though they should drive the hour home, even though they’d been drinking all day.  So the other brothers in the family started in with the fighting too.  Before you know it, they were texting T and K and insulting them.  So the boys, being ya know MATURE and all, decided that if their girlfriends were going to stay the night out (oh holy hell what a sin!) that they were going to go out too.  To a nearby college.  To a frat party. 

So the girls got upset.  They tried to reason and say that it wasn’t a fair trade-off.  That they were with girls only.  But if the boys went to this frat party, that they would be with other girls, and really how did that make them any better than their girlfriends?

Are you confused?  Yeah, I was too.

Our mood inside the car went from laughing and happy to tense and awkward in 2 seconds flat.  T and K were fighting with their boyfriends via text message and phone calls for the last 20 minutes of the ride home. 

Upon our arrival at S’s house, the girls announced that they wanted to leave.  We managed to convince them that if they did that, all they were doing was allowing their boyfriends to win, to exert control over them and what they choose to do with their life.  Plus, I pointed out, if they left, they’d most likely not end up at home, but in jail facing a DUI charge.

They stayed.

The rest of the night was fine, fun even.  B picked up food for us, then he went home to hang out by himself.  I guess all the estrogen and girl time was enough to wear him down!  Bless his heart for doing that for us, however.  It was very sweet of him.

Relationships are complicated.  What is the point in being with someone when all you ever do is fight?  What is the point in being in a relationship with someone that you feel you must be with at all times or else something bad will happen?  What is the point in investing so much into a relationship where you don’t trust each other?

It was enough to wear me out.

Later on that night, as everyone else was sleeping, I laid there staring at the ceiling thinking of my relationship with B.  For everything that we have, and everything that we are, it has never been perfect.  We’ve broken up before, called a few time-outs to evaluate things.  We still have our disagreements about things, usually small.  We’ve managed to come up with successful, healthy ways to resolve issues and arguments.  In him, I have a best friend who I know will not insult me or harass me or keep me locked in a cage.  The best kind of a relationship is one built on trust and friendship where you encourage the other to do things that make them happy.  And if that means a night away from home with your best friends, then that is okay — even if you are going to miss that person terribly while they are gone.

When I got home yesterday morning, B was sleeping on the couch.  He had fallen asleep in the living room the night before.  When I woke him up to ask him why he hadn’t slept in our bed, he said “it felt really empty without you there.  Plus, ya know, I wanted to watch tv and all.”  A smile spread across his face.

He missed me too.