Dysfunction at its finest

My sister is having an affair.

She’s been married to my brother-in-law for nearly 17 years.  But they’ve been together for 20.  She first told me about The Other Man in January.  I had suspected something for a while.  Just the way she talked about him was enough to raise eyebrows and suspicions.  Something seemed not right about it.  Like they were more than friends.

She confirmed my thoughts on the day she called me in hysterics, needing information.  She wanted me to check the list of confirmed dead in the War on Terror to see if he’d been killed.  See, he’s in the National Guard and has been stationed in Iraq for the last two years.  Judging by the tone in her voice, coupled with her anxiety and unfounded fear, I was able to determine that there was much more to their “friendship” than she was letting on.  I was able to let her know that no, he was not dead, at least not according to the list that day.  Once he had touched base with her (he’d only been moved to a different part of Iraq and was unable to communicate with anyone for a few days) she calmed down and went back to her normal self.  I let a few days pass before I asked her why she had freaked out so horribly, noting “no one freaks out that badly over someone unless it’s family or someone they love.”  She said nothing.  When I prompted her to spill it, her response was “I can’t answer that question.  It’s too hard.”  That was all I needed to hear.

My brother-in-law has been in my life for as long as I can remember.  He first came around when I was just 3 years old.  He’s more of a brother to me than my own brother is (another story for another day).  He’s been with our family through a lot, and he has never run off.  But now, their marriage is falling apart and my sister is running for the hills.  She’s written it off as a desperate attempt to reclaim her life, stating that she has been unhappy for a long time.  But it’s more than that.  She will be 44 years old next month (Editor’s Note: My parents had me later in life and she is their first born).  I see it as more like a mid-life crisis of sorts.  My sister’s only child, my niece, is a freshman in college and had been gone from home since last summer.  Now that they’ve found themselves alone and without a common goal (ie: their child) they’ve discovered they don’t know what to do with all of their time.

I don’t pretend to understand all the dynamics of their marriage.  It would be a shoddy understanding at best.  But what I do know is that I believe in the marriage vows they took all those years ago, and that I don’t believe in adultery.

I’m firm on that one.

I’ve struggled over the last two months with the knowledge that I possess about the affair.  I feel guilty about it.  I feel guilty because my niece, who I am closest to family-wise does not know about it.  I am scared that it will come out that I knew all along and she will resent me.  But it is not my place to spread the dirt.  I didn’t tell B for the longest time until one day, I blew my top over it and lost control.  I’m angry with my sister for what she’s doing!  I’m angry at how selfish and self-serving she has turned out to be.  Mostly I’m angry because I feel she’s playing both ends to get twice the benefits.

She has been carrying on an emotional affair with The Other Man for God knows how long.  I don’t want to know.  It’s mostly through the phone and emails that this has carried on.  But he comes home from Iraq for good next month, and will retire.  My sister claims that they are going to “go away together” to “discuss plans” and “see where it takes them.”  I urged her to be honest with her husband, to tell him that she intends to leave him.  When she finally did, she was only half-truthful, which only angered me even more.

During one of their many conversations on the state of things in their marriage, my sister finally blurted out “I’ve had enough.  I’m leaving.  I can’t take it anymore.”

“What?  When?  Where will you go?” he asked her.

“I don’t know.  I haven’t figured it out yet,” she explained.

“For how long?  A week?  A month?  A year?”

“I don’t know, but I’m leaving at the end of the summer.”

Upon telling me about this exchange, I erupted, “You have to tell him the TRUTH!  He thinks you’re going on a mental vacation!  You’re leaving him for good.  You owe him the truth.”

He asked her if there was another man.  She lied. 

He asked her if she was coming back.  She said she wasn’t sure, another lie.

And then, the clincher.  He noted that she would need health insurance, and that he would keep her on it while she is off “taking a break.”  She agreed to accept that!

 Pardon me for my own opinions and balls to discuss them, but are you serious?  You’re leaving your husband of 17 years for another man and you will allow him to pay for your health insurance when you know you’re never coming back?!

While discussing this with B last night, totally disgusted, I said “Why the end of summer?  Why doesn’t she just leave him now?”

“Because, she’s not sure where this is going, or even if it’s going anywhere.  She wants to make sure she’s got a way to come back if things don’t work out.”

Yesterday she sent me an email:

“I have a message for you. [The Other Man] wanted me to let you know that if you ever want to talk to him, about his intentions with me, or about anything in general, feel free to ask him.  He’s cute, it’s almost like he’s asking permission.”

I was so angry.  Why would I want to give him permission?  Not only am I not interested, but I think she enjoys all the attention.  I will not give her any more attention on the matter, especially not by emailing The Other Man and making nice.

If I had the balls, I would email him and say:

“I’ve heard a lot about you.  I’ve seen how my sister freaks out when she doesn’t get a call from you.  She freaked out more over that than she did about her husband’s birthday, which is tomorrow, by the way.  If you’re looking for my approval, you’re never going to get it.  What does it say about your character that you’re okay with having an emotional affair with a married woman?  To me it says that you’re no better than any other person guilty of adultery.”

My sister used to work with The Other Man.  They were friends before this all began.  They haven’t seen each other the whole time the emotional affair has been taking place.  But they will see each other next month.  She’s acting like an immature, hormone-crazed teenager.  She keeps moving and deleting MySpace accounts with false information on them.  She leaves little love-sick notes on his MySpace (that’s right, I found it).  She’s not even being careful about it.  People aren’t stupid.  They’ll find out about it.  Hell, I barely had to try at all, before I knew it, I knew all the salacious details.  I don’t think she’s prepared for the fall-out:  how angry her daughter will be at her, what people will say, how friends will turn their backs on her, etc.

Without even trying, she has changed my entire opinion of her.  We used to be close, but I find myself avoiding her phone calls and ignoring her emails.  I’ve already expressed to her that I disapprove — that I will not condone or support her affair.  When she came to visit me last month, all she talked about was him.  Having remembered something my BFF said to me (“Maybe she just likes all the attention.”) I ignored everything that came out of her mouth and refused to pay it any attention or respond to it.  When she finally left that Sunday, I was emotionally drained and totally exhausted from the whole experience.

I just feel bad for my brother-in-law and my niece.  And for myself, for ever having asked her for the truth.