Emotional

resentment

: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Sometimes it’s just so hard to let go.  I know that forgiveness is my best option, but I sometimes wonder if I’m capable of true forgiveness.  In general, it’s much easier for me to forgive than it is to forget.  This results in me later on remembering what has happened, and then continuing to build up resentment until it eventually explodes.  I struggle with this.  Always have.  I am ashamed to admit this, but I tend to hold grudges, and hold them strong.  I’m just not the type of person who lets go and moves on easily.  There, I said it.

Sometimes I remember the events of last March and I grow angry and bitter.  I remember back to how heartbroken I was, how totally hopeless I felt, and I feel like I could just erupt with anger.  I know it’s all over and done with — after all, it was more than a year ago, but sometimes I just feel angry towards B for the way he made me feel.  What was the most recent trigger?  I was playing around on MySpace (oh MySpace, I should just stay away from your evil ass) and I saw a video on a friend’s page from last year, just 4 days after B broke up with me.  In it, he was laughing and smiling and having a great time — being his usual happy self.  There was no sign of worry or guilt in his demeanor.  That very same night, I was at a friend’s house, trying desperately to forget, to move on, to just be happy without trying too hard.  But at the time, it was impossible.  All I wanted to do was fall apart, and have him put the pieces back together carefully, making sure to apologize and try to win me back.  It eventually happened, but the memories of those 6 weeks are still raw.  It’s stupid, I know.  But it’s how I feel.

Last night I blew up.  I had been having a bad day at work, frustrated with a situation that I have no control over, and I was desperately trying to calm down and let loose.  B was in a bad mood too, and about 10 minutes after I walked in the door, we were full out yelling at each other over stupid things.  In these kinds of situations, there is only one thing to do:  walk away and take a breather.  We retreated to different areas of the house, taking some time away from the argument.  At about 10:00, I approached him in the living room and informed him I was going to bed.  Upon sensing that he was still mad, I became even more angry and started crying.  Frustrated over feeling as though I’m the only one who has to worry about cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc (even though that’s so not true), I just blew up at him.  Crying, raising my voice…it wasn’t pretty.  What it all boiled down to was a bad day coupled with a reminder of my anguish of last year.  All of this added up to equal a mess of an evening.

I felt like we resembled Carrie and Aidan from that scene in Sex & The City where they have a fight and neither one of them is willing to admit they were wrong.  Instead of one of them being mature and just taking the steps to correct the problem, they both stayed angry and stood their ground.  It’s not effective, and neither were B and I last night.

This morning brought a little bit of relief.  Sometimes you just have to sleep on it.  When he left for work, he kissed me goodbye, hugged me, and said he was sorry.  So I apologized too.

But I can’t help but think — when will I ever let go of the resentment?