Toeing the line of decency
25 04 2008Have you all ever had a friend who you didn’t exactly trust fully? I know it sounds ridiculous because you’re probably thinking “why would you consider someone your friend if you felt you couldn’t trust them?” It’s complicated. It’s like, I want to trust her. Life would be easier if I did trust her. I’m sure our friendship would be more “real” if I trusted her fully, yet, I just can’t get there. There is just something about her that makes me feel ill at ease in certain situations.
Mostly involving B.
I’ve been friends with her for about three years. We met through mutual friends and hit it off immediately. We hung out a lot, did things together, had common interests, etc. But there always seemed to be this wall in between us that we couldn’t break through. It was a silent problem — I knew it was there, but I never said anything. I sensed that she knew it was there too, yet she never said anything either. But then, about a year into the friendship, I figured it out. I didn’t trust her around my boyfriend.
I started noticing the overly flirty way she behaved around him. She sought out attention from him. B is the type of guy who just doesn’t notice things like that, so when I finally said something to him about it, I wasn’t surprised at his reaction.
“No way. I think you’re just being paranoid.”
But then, he noticed it too. I guess after having said something to him, he started to pick up on little signals that to him, just didn’t feel right.
“You know, I think you might not be so crazy after all. I can definitely see what you’re saying now.”
He started keeping his distance. I think he might even feel a little uncomfortable around her at times. Mostly, it happens when we’re in a social situation and we’ve been drinking. She gets to this point where it’s like she doesn’t even know what she’s doing. Before I know it, she’s trying to dance with him, touching his arm a lot, attempting to take pictures with him, etc. Normally I’m not a person who shies away from a confrontation. But for some reason, I tend to just sit there silently, stewing in my anger and discomfort. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just me. But then after B said something, my justification turned to “maybe I just made him feel paranoid with my own paranoia.” But then, a few weeks back, she was being overly flirty with B again, and this time, another friend witnessed it. She pulled me aside and said “[CP], WHAT are you doing? Why don’t you go say something to her about the way she’s acting with B?” I just half-smiled, shrugged my shoulders and said, “Oh, it’s nothing. I trust him.” She crossed her arms over her chest, looked at me with concern and said “Yeah, but do you trust HER?”
Last night I had a dream nightmare that involved B ignoring me and spending all his time with her. I was walking around with a girlfriend, trying to enjoy myself at some sort of carnival, but we kept catching sight of B with her. They were laughing and smiling. He wouldn’t look at me. And when I would call out his name, he pretended not to hear me. I felt heartbroken, like all my suspicions had been justified, and I was being manipulated. I was so angry at her — angry for hurting me, for destroying our “friendship”, and for stealing the only boy who I’ve ever loved. But did I say anything to her? No. I stood there, rooted to the spot like concrete, unable to defend myself or fight for the guy I love. And when I woke up this morning, having slept through my alarm for 30 minutes, I was pissed off. Did I really need that extra 30 minutes of sleep? Especially if it involved THAT kind of mental activity? I don’t think so.
I’m the eternal optimist, and I believe in the good in everyone, so call me crazy, but — I don’t think she does it on purpose. I don’t think she even realizes she’s doing it. And really, who could blame her? I haven’t spoken up about it, so she doesn’t even know that it bothers me. But she’s the type of person that if I go to her with this, she’ll be angry and defensive and just get pissed off and stop speaking to me. And really, I don’t have the energy to deal with that kind of childish drama.
I guess I’m just pissed off at myself for not speaking up. For not having the ability to just put my girl girl panties on and deal with it.
WTF? She is the one who is toeing the line of decency and I feel guilty?
Clearly there is something wrong when it’s noticed by you AND others - I say talk to her. However, I am a hypocrite, and almost never say something in these situations either.
I’m horrible about confrontation. Horrible. My route would be making sure that they aren’t around each other, and if they were around each other, I would sit on his lap to keep her away from him. Or, I might work up the nerve to make some bad jokes about her trying to steal him away, hoping that she would get the hint.
I know it can be hard to say something, especially about something so discreet. But if you want to not have drama and her to be an adult, I would approach her as an adult. Say I know that you may not see yourself this way, but I think you are being a little to physical with B for my comfort, I really love being your friend, so I would really appreciate it if you could just respect my feelings with B. If she tries joking it off, tell her she can’t stand your ground honey… or be sneaky and get B to awful to her, and get on her bad side! haha
Is she like that around all guys you know? Or just your boyfriend..? Some girls are eternal flirts, but they’re usually like that with all guys.
Ugh, that really sucks. It sucks that she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it, and it really sucks that if you talk to her about it, you already know that she would get angry and THEN!, up and just not talk to YOU. Afterall, she’s the one doing something wrong. It’s too bad because it’s either a choice of you feeling some pent up anger/frustration about it, or saying something to her and then having to deal with her chidish response.
I guess you have to wonder how important her/her friendship really is to you, and weigh whether you’ll be able to continue dealing with this behavior from her towards B.
I’m sorry!
Larissa - I know, I know. I really should say something. But for some reason, I’m being a huge pussy and not saying a word. Ugh, I hate myself!
VeryBadCat - I like your style! I’m going to work up the nerve to make some horrible jokes. The next time I see her trying to take a picture or something equally as annoying, I’m going to say “Hmm, I might have to keep a closer eye on you! I wouldn’t want you stealing my boy behind my back! (evil dirty smirk)” haha.
Eyes - I know. I really do want to go the “adult” route — but it’s like playing with a child. No matter how mature I handle it, she’s going to act like a spited 3 year old. Ugh.
Angela - something so simple, your question, and yet, I’d never thought of it that way before. I personally havne’t noticed her being that way around other boys, which doesn’t bode well. However, another girlfriend of ours commented to me that she feels the same way with her around her own boyfriend. So perhaps it’s not just B?
Brookem - Exactly, it’s a lose/lose situation. But you know what? Her friendship really isn’t all that important to me. We’ve been fighting through barriers for a few years now and it’s just ENOUGH. I don’t really know why I bother, to be quite honest. Ugh. What I really want to say to her is “stop flirting with my boyfriend! You are making me AND him uncomfortable. And you might wanna reconsider your overly flirtatious ways with other boys b/c THEIR girlfriends are getting frustrated too! Go find your own damn boy to play with!” hahaha.
That’s terrible, but I definitely have a friend like that too, and it’s so tough. I don’t know what to say to her, but she is always flirty with G and tries to get much to close to him for my comfort. She makes really odd comments, and I just don’t like it. I would be pretty upset with the situation.