Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and Gents (are there any gents out there?!):

I am ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B asked me to marry him on Friday at 6:30 in the morning.  I’ll fill you in on the details soon, including a picture of my beautiful, breathtaking, sparkly ring just as soon as I can.  I just got back into town from being out of town for work.  I’ve got a lot to catch up on (including your blogs!) and it’s hard to stay focused when I can’t stop staring at my left ring finger. :) 

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been In. My. Entire. Life.  Things are so good right now, you have no idea!

On hearts & chocolates. It must be love!

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

There is no better way to wake up than to a hilarious card (by way of sexual humor), some amazing chocolates, and a gift card to Starbucks.

B knows me so well.

Tonight we will make dinner together, devour some of my chocolates, and watch some DVDs, snuggled on the couch.  In our many years together, we have seen lots of different ways to celebrate this day.  We’ve done hotel stays, complete with jacuzzi tub and lingerie.  We’ve done romantic dinners out.  We’ve celebrated with diamonds (for me, of course).  But this year, we’re going low-key.

He also hinted that the day for me to get my ring could quite possibly be right around the corner.  Anyone want to weigh in on the possibilities?  My birthday is next week. 

I love him for many reasons.  He makes me laugh.  He laughs at my jokes, even when they’re not that funny.  He knows when all I need is a hug.  He spoils me.  He’s my best friend. 

I hope this Valentine’s Day finds you all in the best of spirits, single or attached. 

XOXO,

CP

I only have myself to blame

Drama drama everywhere and no one to blame.  Except myself.

I asked for it.  I complained that my life was getting boring and stagnant.  And I wanted to shake things up a bit.  Well, the gods must have heard my plea for mercy and granted me some wish fulfillment.  Too bad it wasn’t the kind of drama I wanted.

Friday was awful.  A no good, horrible, very-bad day at work.  Followed by an even longer and more terrible drive home, due to traffic.  I got into an argument with B.  He was in a pissy mood, and instead of just telling me why (and it didn’t even have anything to do with me), instead he pouted and was short with me and had an attitude.  Which caused me to have an attitude.  Which led to us fighting on the phone on the way home.  By the time he got home, I was sitting on our bed, crying and dabbing away at the day’s remnants of mascara and eyeliner running down my cheek.  I guess all it took for him to realize what an insensitive jerk he’d been, was to see me sitting there, crying.  He felt awful, confided what his problem was, and said he was sorry. 

Saturday started out amazing.  It was cold, but sunny, and all of us were excited for the day’s activities.  Seven girls + a sober driver (B volunteered) + four wineries = a hell of a lot of fun. 

We got a late start.  M2 was over an hour late getting to our meeting point.  Her ex showed up late as hell to pick up their kids.  He did it just to spite her, knowing that she had plans for the day.  Every minute that she was late was taking away from the time we needed to complete the wine trail.  We sat around on edge waiting for her to get there, knowing it wasn’t her fault.  Once he finally arrived and she was able to leave, he decided to insult her physical appearance via text message.  Because you know, when you’re a grown-ass man, and you have kids, you can be classy like that.  Asshole.

At the end of the day, as we were all drunk with happiness and massive amounts of red and white wine, the drama with the other girls started.  Two of the girls, T and K, date brothers.  T has been with her boyfriend for about five years.  K has been with hers for two years.  Both of their boyfriends are possessive and jealous types, never wanting their other half to have a life of their own.  What is the problem with a bunch of girls hanging out all day, drinking wine and having girl time, I ask you?  The only boy around us was my boyfriend B, and that was because he was sweet enough to offer to be our designated driver.  T and K’s boyfriends started getting angry with the fact that we were all staying at S’s house for the night.  They felt as though they should drive the hour home, even though they’d been drinking all day.  So the other brothers in the family started in with the fighting too.  Before you know it, they were texting T and K and insulting them.  So the boys, being ya know MATURE and all, decided that if their girlfriends were going to stay the night out (oh holy hell what a sin!) that they were going to go out too.  To a nearby college.  To a frat party. 

So the girls got upset.  They tried to reason and say that it wasn’t a fair trade-off.  That they were with girls only.  But if the boys went to this frat party, that they would be with other girls, and really how did that make them any better than their girlfriends?

Are you confused?  Yeah, I was too.

Our mood inside the car went from laughing and happy to tense and awkward in 2 seconds flat.  T and K were fighting with their boyfriends via text message and phone calls for the last 20 minutes of the ride home. 

Upon our arrival at S’s house, the girls announced that they wanted to leave.  We managed to convince them that if they did that, all they were doing was allowing their boyfriends to win, to exert control over them and what they choose to do with their life.  Plus, I pointed out, if they left, they’d most likely not end up at home, but in jail facing a DUI charge.

They stayed.

The rest of the night was fine, fun even.  B picked up food for us, then he went home to hang out by himself.  I guess all the estrogen and girl time was enough to wear him down!  Bless his heart for doing that for us, however.  It was very sweet of him.

Relationships are complicated.  What is the point in being with someone when all you ever do is fight?  What is the point in being in a relationship with someone that you feel you must be with at all times or else something bad will happen?  What is the point in investing so much into a relationship where you don’t trust each other?

It was enough to wear me out.

Later on that night, as everyone else was sleeping, I laid there staring at the ceiling thinking of my relationship with B.  For everything that we have, and everything that we are, it has never been perfect.  We’ve broken up before, called a few time-outs to evaluate things.  We still have our disagreements about things, usually small.  We’ve managed to come up with successful, healthy ways to resolve issues and arguments.  In him, I have a best friend who I know will not insult me or harass me or keep me locked in a cage.  The best kind of a relationship is one built on trust and friendship where you encourage the other to do things that make them happy.  And if that means a night away from home with your best friends, then that is okay — even if you are going to miss that person terribly while they are gone.

When I got home yesterday morning, B was sleeping on the couch.  He had fallen asleep in the living room the night before.  When I woke him up to ask him why he hadn’t slept in our bed, he said “it felt really empty without you there.  Plus, ya know, I wanted to watch tv and all.”  A smile spread across his face.

He missed me too.

Happy New Year!

Wow.  Let’s just say that it’s a good thing I had four back-to-back days off to process the news of my friend’s pregnancy. 

It took a lot of time to let it sink in.  I still don’t think I’m fully there yet.  I talked to her a couple of times this weekend.  She seems overwhelmed.  A little scared.  I think she is starting to become happy about it.  Like I said, it’s hard not to be excited about a baby, no matter how unprepared you are for it.  She’s got a tough road to travel for the next year.  Sadly, her vision of 2008 will drastically differ from mine.

Before I can even begin to think about New Year’s Resolutions (seriously?  I NEVER stick to them), I still need to wrap my brain around 2007.

I changed.  My life changed.  Some things are still the same.  Some are very very different.

January started out with the best NYE I’ve ever had in my whole 24 years.  Tickets to a beautiful club in D.C.  Seriously, it was fabulous.  Open bar kind of fabulous!  Many, many, many Vodka tonics kind of fabulous!  A smooch with B at midnight started off what I thought would be the year to end all years.  I didn’t know I was in for quite the rollercoaster.

February was when I turned 24.  24, such a boring age.  B surprised me with a limo for me and my friends.  Dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant.  A party at our house.  DRAMA.  B’s friend (remember Dickhead?) started a feud between a friend of mine and myself.  They stormed out of my party.  Good thing I still had a lot of friends there to make me forget about it.

March was my lowest month.  B ended our relationship.  He said he was in a tough spot.  Couldn’t decide what he wanted for his life.  Had too many things to figure out.  My heart was broken.  Totally, utterly broken.  I stopped speaking to the friend of mine who was not there for me during the breakup.  No offers to hang out, to go out.  Just a shitty piece of advice that was unwanted.  I didn’t want to forget about B.  I wanted to figure it out and make it work.  In March, I spent a lot of time alone.  I was sad beyond belief.  Not even really bad tv could cheer me up.

In April I decided to stop being a baby.  I started ignoring B, which was hard because we were living together.  Sleeping apart.  The works.  He would call, I would ignore.  I stayed away from home a lot.  Stayed at friends.  Went out.  A very cute boy told me he liked me.  I blushed, but my heart ached for B.  The end of that month, B came looking for me at a party and cried, saying he’d made the biggest mistake of his life.  He wanted me back and he never wanted to be without me again.  I was skeptical, but happy.

May was a blur.  A lot of dinner dates with B, reassessing things.  We had sex in every room of our house (TMI?  whoops!).  I didn’t see much of my friends this month because I was just overjoyed to be back in B’s arms.  We discovered something that month — we are totally and completely in love.  B and I started hanging out with new friends…friends from our past who we became closer to.  We made a lot of new friends through them.  We hosted our very first cookout at our house.

June brought a wonderful surprise.  The friend that I’d been estranged from for nearly three months extended an olive branch, an invitation to forgive.  I welcomed it and we reconciled.  I saw my niece graduate from high school.  Many many weekends were spent floating my lake and relaxing.  Walks around the neighborhood became my own cheap version of therapy.  I truly enjoyed the feeling of sunlight on my face.  Everything was looking up. 

July was probably the most FUN month all year.  July was when B and I went to see Warped Tour in Virginia Beach.  The intense heat of the summer made our lake all the much more enjoyable.  I went tubing for the first time ever.  I held on for a really long time and was so proud of myself.  It might seem small, but it was a great moment for me.  I went on a three mile walk alone, with nothing but my iPOD to keep me company.  I remember stopping in the middle of a street in my neighborhood and realizing that I wanted to marry B.  For real this time, no nonsense. 

August is always my least favorite month.  It’s so hot and sticky outside and it becomes unbearable to be out of the air conditioning.  B and I celebrated our 8th anniversary.

September is my favorite month.  I smile all month long because the leaves start to change and it reminds me of my mom, because her birthday is in September.  We worked on our house, painting a few rooms and buying new things for our bedroom.  B and I had what I like to call our very first successful fight.  It was successful because we both realized that we weren’t going to get anywhere, so we took a time out.  He went to the office and watched football alone.  I went for a walk.  When I got back from the walk, he greeted me at the door and apologized.  I apologized.  No screaming.  No throwing things.  Just a disagreement, some anger, then apologies.  What can I say?  It was a milestone.

In October, we saw my friend K get married.  It was a beautiful wedding.  During their first dance, B squeezed my hand and whispered “I can’t wait until that’s us.”  He started to talk about colors and bridal parties and cakes.  One night, he woke me up in the middle of the night to say “You’re my best friend in the entire world.  I can’t wait until you’re my wife.”  I melted.

November was relatively quiet.  We had Thanksgiving at his dad’s house.  I started this blog.  My blog became my outlet.  I unleash things here and get it out of my head.  Instead of going to B with every complaint about work or friends or money, I just blog about it.  I honestly feel lighter.  I was so excited every time I got a comment.  My blog is my baby.

December was amazing.  We picked out my engagement ring.  We ordered the setting.  We kept it a secret from everyone except BFF.  I had to tell someone before I burst with happiness!  We found out it will be ready somewhere between the beginning to middle of February.  (Tangent: Why does it take so long to get the setting from the vendor?  Hmmm…  Seriously, it just needs to be sized!)  We celebrated B’s 24th birthday and Christmas.  I found out my friend M is pregnant.  We rang in 2008 at a bar downtown.

There is so much more to do.  We’ll get engaged and spread the news to our friends and family.  We’re talking about hosting an engagement party.  We don’t have family that will do it for us, so we’ll do it for ourselves.  I’m going to turn 25.  Work will bring pressure and stress, but I’ll take it out on my blog.  I hope to turn this thing, this project, into something I can be proud of.  Not just an outlet, but something that signifies who I am, right down to the fine details.

2007 was a bit of a rollercoaster…going from in a relationship to breaking up, to getting back together practically being engaged.  It’s been a lot, but not more than I can handle.  And honestly, when I look back at the rough patch in March and April, I can only be grateful.  For while I had my heart broken and my faith shattered, it was all rebuilt on a better, stronger foundation. 

Here’s to the hope that 2008 will bring more growth, less stress, more laughter, less tears.  Here’s to the hope that 2008 will be MY year.

Happy New Year, loveys.

…and that is pretty fucking cool!

Scene:  Living room.  A Christmas tree is being decorated with lights and ornaments and ribbon.  Christmas music plays in the background.  The dogs are tearing the stuffing out of two toys.  Other than the music and the dogs, it’s relatively quiet.

__________

Me:  B, can you untangle those lights over there in that pile?  Plug them in and make sure they still light up.

B:  Sure.

He plugs them in to check them out, strand by strand, until all lights are accounted for.

B:  Hahahahahahaha.  Oh my god.  Hahahahahahaha.

Me:  What is so funny over there?  Haha.  Hahahahaha.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.

B:  I don’t know!  I just realized that I’m really, really happy and it’s a great feeling.

Me:  So you laughed?  You are so weird!

While we’re walking circles around the tree stringing on the lights, he stops to hug me.

B:  I’m not weird.  I just realized that this will be my last Christmas with you as my girlfriend.  Soon you’re going to be my fiance.  And that is pretty fucking cool.

Me:  Awww…I love you.  It is pretty fucking cool, isn’t it?

______________

Just about an hour later, after we’d finished the tree and had dinner, we sat on the couch together watching tv and staring at the Christmas lights.  It was then that I realized that life was perfect, right in that moment.  And that everything really was going to be okay.

And that is how I knew

An update:

For the 4 or so people who read my blog (haha)

(Tangent: If you’re out there reading and have never commented, say hi!  I got a few delurkers with my last post and it overjoyed me!)

Okay so my weekend was fantastic!  I gotta say, though…I was hella nervous on Saturday.  I even considered not going.  (I know, I know!)  I had butterflies in my stomach.  I think I was mostly nervous about how the salespeople were going to be.  As in, whether or not they would be friendly and helpful.  Truthfully, you know how most salespeople are at a jewelry store.  They find out that you’re “just looking” and you lose their attention.  They basically just show you what you point out, don’t offer suggestions, and generally can be quite rude.  I have to say, we had a great experience and it ended with a result so perfect I still can’t believe it myself.

Right off the bat, we were happy.  The store was beautiful and had a lot of options and variety to choose from.  We walked around and glanced at settings and talked it over with each other while waiting for the sales guy to come over.  He was very nice and went over options and logistics with us for a long time and I tried on a bunch of rings.  Immediately I decided on the one that I had seen before.  It was so much more beautiful in person.  I am in love with this ring!  The setting is 14k white gold with about 6 small diamonds on each side of the main diamond.  (The main diamond can be any shape you wish.  I told B he could decide on that detail.) Afterwards, just to be safe, I tried on many many other rings.  Rings that were just okay.  Rings that would be okay for someone else.  Beautiful rings that just weren’t me.  We both kept going back to THE RING.  Once I put it on, I just knew.  I looked over at B and he had a huge smile on his face.  Gary, the sales guy, said “I think you’ve found your ring.”  I was in total agreement.

B was so cute.  He was a little nervous but he talked business with the sales guy. (I will forever have a soft spot in my heart for him.  He was part of one of the best days ever for me in my whole entire life!)  We were in there for a long time.  After we had our questions answered and I had practically SQUEED all over the store (haha), we got his business card and walked outside.  I looked over and B had misty eyes.  Then my eyes teared up.  We hugged right there on the sidewalk in front of the store and kissed. 

B pulled away, brushed some hair out of my eyes and led me to the car.  Once we were sitting and we had both breathed out a huge sigh (of relief?  of excitement?  just happy that I had made a decision finally?), B said to me “are you sure that’s the setting you want?”

“Yes!  It’s beautiful and I love it and I didn’t want to take it off!”

“Okay, come with me.” He came around to my side, opened up the car door and held out his hand and led me back into the store.

“What are we doing?”  I was totally freaking out!

We walked back inside and I just stared around as the security guard looked at us and laughed.  He was probably thinking “we got a live one!”  B walked over to the customer service desk and said “Can I speak to Gary again, please?”

I stood there and said “B, what are we doing?  I thought you had all your questions answered!” But he just smiled and said “be patient.”

After a few minutes that felt like hours, Gary the sales guy came back over to us.  B wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in to his side tightly and said to Gary “I want to order that setting today.”

I almost fell out in the floor!

The setting that they had in the store was assembled together with a wedding band, and both rings were too big.  Gary fitted me for a ring and filled out some paperwork.  The vendor will assemble the setting and send it to the store.  In 4-6 weeks (!!!!!) the setting will arrive, at which time B will go to the store to select a diamond for it.  And shortly after that, I will have my ring!

I know, I seriously am in shock!  I was NOT expecting him to do anything of the sort.  I thought it was just a window shopping trip to try some on, get an idea, etc.  When I asked B why he decided to do this today, he said “I knew as soon as I saw your face when you put it on that it was the ring.  I don’t want to go anywhere else.  Nothing could ever light your face up the way that one did.  I love it too.  I want us both to love it.  I’m not going to wait any longer.”

As we sat there side by side, staring at this beautiful setting, my eyes started to tear up.  This was going to be the ring that I have on my hand for the rest of my life.  I put them both back on my left ring finger, one at a time, and then together.  B put his arm around me and said, “When the time comes, I think that should be the wedding band you get.  It’s beautiful.  It’s perfect for you.” 

After B signed his papers and paid for the setting, we set off for the rest of the day.  We did some Christmas shopping.  We had lunch together.  But the events of our morning were all I could think about.  I would randomly smile, then start laughing and shaking my head.  B would laugh at me and say “it’s all you can think about, isn’t it?”  It certainly was.  That, and the fact that it was finally happening.  It was REALLY happening!  I could hardly believe it. 

We’re not technically engaged yet.  That won’t happen until the ring is here.  That won’t happen until he gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him.  I decided I didn’t want to tell anyone because I want them to be surprised.  This is the best, juiciest secret I’ve ever had to keep in my entire life.  I feel like I’m walking around with this great piece of good news and it’s only for B and I to share.  Luckily, I have perfect strangers to share it with!  I was about to burst!

And that is how I knew that he was serious.  That is how I knew that he would be my fiance, and one day husband.  For better or worse.  In sickness and in health.  Just as soon as the ring is finished!

SQUEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remembering

This weekend was satisfying in the best way possible.  Friday night B and I just hung out and took it easy.  We were both so tired from exhausting weeks at work, so we watched a movie and went to bed early.  There’s nothing like 10 solid hours of sleep to make you feel like a new person the next day.  On Saturday we visited my family for the day.  My sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, and B and I had dinner together and watched old home videos and laughed all day long.  At the end of the day, although I was tired and a little achey everywhere, I felt as though the day was well spent in the company of those I love. 

The home videos were the best part.  My oldest sister used to videotape my niece’s birthday parties when she was little.  My niece and I are only 6 years apart, which some find amusing.  The older she gets, the closer her and I become.  We’re so much alike when it comes to our personalities and senses of humor.  The video we watched first was of her 2nd birthday party.  I was 8 years old at the time, and judging from the date on the tape, it was only three short months before my mom passed away.  Sitting in between B and my niece, I laughed and cried until all of my eye makeup had worn away.  Remembering her at the tender age of 2, with all of her baby talk and ABC singing was so sweet.  And then there was me.

I was a goofy kid.  I had long, thin, gangly arms and legs that flapped about everywhere.  I never stopped moving.  I was always jumping around or dancing or twirling.  I had a thing for dresses.  I had to wear them at all times, and they must be worn with tights.  There I was, 8 years old, hair pushed back with a headband in my ruffled jumper dress and tights.  I didn’t have a single care in the world.  In three months, my entire life would change, but for that moment, I would be a carefree kid whose only concern was making my niece laugh.  I was obsessed with the video camera, often getting up close to the lens and making funny faces and laughing in the goofiest ways.  I looked around the room and wondered what everyone else was thinking.  Was B thinking how amazing it was that I was this entire person, this little girl, before he ever knew me?  Was my niece thankful for these memories being preserved on tape?  Were my sisters remembering those days before the heartbreak?  I kept wiping away the tears from my eyes and remembering.

I’m so thankful for those days — the days before the cancer and the coma and the moving away from my family.  I’m so thankful for the ability to sit around and remember and laugh.

I guess it took its toll on me emotionally, however.  Last night, after the laziest of Sundays, as B and I laid in bed talking and checking off our to-do lists in our heads, we started talking about his mom and my mom and dad.  To talk about my dad is easy on me, and I figure it must be because I had nearly 22 years with him.  It’s still not enough, but it’s 22 years.  I only had 8 years with my mom.  So to talk about her, which I don’t do very often, is tough.  I tried my hardest to keep the tears at bay, but they spilled over and I found myself laying there telling B how guilty I felt over things that aren’t my fault.  I told him about the guilt of not remembering lots of things about the mother who would have done anything to prevent the pain of her four children losing her.  I know it’s not my fault.  I tell myself “you were only a child.”  But I also know that this was her greatest fear when she was dying — that her youngest child, the one who was still very much a little kid when she died, would not remember her later in life.

It would be very easy for me to feel sorry for myself.  Sometimes I let that feeling creep in around the edges and suffocate me slowly, but then I remember that I’m not a victim.  These are just the cards I was dealt.  This is my life, day in and day out, remembering the parents who aren’t here to help me, but who dedicated their lives to being parents. 

It would be easy to be angry at God, angry at the world.  But I choose to be thankful.  For that which does not kill you truly does make you stronger.  I am a living testament to that fact.  I am thankful for my sisters.  For my niece.  For my brother-in law.  For B.  For the moments when we can sit around and laugh and remember together.  My mom would be proud.

He’s always made me laugh

The story of how we met begins longer ago than I’d like to admit.  B and I were 15 when we met for the first time.  We were sophomores in high school, on the verge of drivers licenses, first kisses, and several other firsts.  We didn’t hang out with the same types of people, so even though we’d been going to the same schools since sixth grade, we didn’t know each other.  I should be sending a monthly check to fate because if it wasn’t for 10th grade math class, I’d probably not be with him today. 

He sat behind me in algebra and I hated that class.  I used to stare at the door and pray for it to be over quickly and painlessly because let’s face it – I’m not so good at math!  I was coming out of a revolving door boyfriend scenario.  This one guy (let’s call him Asshole because let’s face it, he WAS an asshole) kept coming in and out of my life and I was tired of it.  You know, after all, things were so serious at 15.  I was intent on not having a boyfriend for a little while.  I was just about to turn 16, and I would get my drivers license, and that would enable me to drive around and find some “real men!”  But there he was, sitting behind me, and he would would always make me laugh.  I have this thing with laughter.  If you can make me laugh, I’m hooked.  It’s all over from there.

Add to that his gorgeous blue eyes and I was melting into a puddle on the floor!  That was just the beginning.

He had a girlfriend at the time and she was nothing like me.  I was a cheerleader, honor student, all around peppy perfectionist, and he was dating this tomboyish, softball player  shy girl.  There’s nothing wrong with any of those things, but SHE wasn’t anything like ME.  I tried to play it cool.  I was nursing a crush on another boy at the same time, so for once I put my future in fate’s hands and said “whatever happens, happens.” 

We became friends and we would talk.  He would help me out with my algebra assignments.  My teacher called me to his desk one day and said “You’re showing a lot of improvement.  Good job.”  I couldn’t help but think “yeah, no kidding” — only I wasn’t talking about my math skills.  I was talking about the boy. 

He would say and do the funniest things just to make me laugh.  And sooner than I expected, I had a full blown crush on this boy in an I’ve! got! to! have! you! kind of way.  Finally he asked me to be his girlfriend, and after he broke the heart of the softball player, it was a done deal. 

It was rocky at first.  I guess when your 15 year old dreams are realized, you get antsy.  We broke up.  We got back together.  Then I turned 16 and he kissed me after his soccer game, next to my car, while my friend sat in there switching back and forth through music.  And the next thing I knew, I was melting into a puddle right there in the parking lot.  This boy!  He could kiss!  And damn was he cute in his soccer uniform. 

The years since then have seen a lot of changes.  We broke up junior year, but got back together after the weekend I realized that I needed to stop playing games.  We met each other’s families.  We applied to college together.  We both got into the college we wanted, and we celebrated.  We went away to school together and through another dose of fate (or was it just pure dumb luck?), we landed in the same dorm on the same floor.  It was not as great as we imagined it would be–we fought a lot that year.  We each kissed other people and came clean about it.  He left school when his mom got sick with cancer, and he couldn’t bring himself to return to school.  We did the long distance thing for two years, and it was hard, but we survived.  The Sundays when we would part from our weekend visits were heartwrenching.  I’d cry the second I left his sight.  His mom died the fall of my senior year and I had to hold him up emotionally.  Three months later my dad died, and my world fell apart.  When I was too upset, too overwhelmed, and I wanted to take a leave of absence from school, he refused.  He came to my rescue –for the last 4 months of my college career, he paid my bills so that I could finish and make my dad proud.  The day I graduated and walked across the stage, not only were my mom and dad in my heart, but so was he, and as I smiled at him walking down the stage, I thanked God for letting me get to know this wonderful guy. 

We live together now in our house we bought last year, with two dogs and two cats.   We share more than square footage and furniture.  We share hopes and dreams and plans and lots of laughter.  Always lots of laughter.

But most importantly, there’s so much more left to share — accomplishments, promotions, raises, heartbreak, success, a wedding, and children.  Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that laughter is the best medicine and we always get through things by making each other laugh.  I can’t wait to laugh out loud with him for the rest of my life.

I want. I need. I can’t imagine…

I want my comfy chair and a blanket to nap with.  Every season of Everybody Loves Raymond to watch in the chair.  My dog, for her to snuggle, and not lick every part of me while doing it.  A bag of jolly ranchers filled with only cherry and watermelon flavors.  12 hours to sleep.  A hug from my boyfriend.  Lunch without having to walk outside in the cold to get it.  A cup of french onion soup.  A glass of water with crushed ice.  A private beach to relax on.  To float on the ocean waves without worrying about seaweed and sharks.  A good book to read from cover to cover in one single day.  A grande skim peppermint mocha.  A Christmas tree.  Christmas lights on the house.  For my Christmas joy to live inside of me again.  To relive the last time I saw my dad, if only to tell him I love him one more time.  To travel to New York.  To travel the world.  A street where all my friends live side by side.  A proposal from B.  The perfect New Years Eve, with just him and I and no one else to ruin it.  A night out with the girls.  To throw B the perfect birthday celebration. 

I need a haircut.  More work clothes.  More patience.  Less stress.  To smile every day.  To laugh every day.  A massage.  To give more.  More money.  A vacation.  Time with family.  To drink more water.  To remember my vitamins every day.  To shrug off my worries.  To remember to not sweat the small stuff.  To learn how to forgive and truly forget.  To not care what others think about me.

I can’t imagine my life without my friends-without B-without the lessons I’ve learned.   Being anyone else.  Another job.  Not taking opportunities.  Making other choices.  Not being true to myself.  No standing up for myself.  Not believing in my dreams.  Not believing in the good in people.