Weddings. They suck the life out of you.

I know I said that I promised this would not turn into a wedding-only blog, but the frustration is already starting to set in, and it’s only been four weeks.

Four weeks, people.  That’s a problem.

The good thing is, it has nothing to do with B.  Or with me.  Or with us as a couple.  We’re still busy basking in the glow of being engaged, calling each other “fiance” every 2.5 seconds, and snuggling to our hearts content while discussing color options and locations and cake flavors, etc.  It’s everyone else around us that sucks.

For one:  our families.  Granted, I’m without parents, so we’re already starting off behind everyone else.  Without the bride’s parents to foot most of the bill, we’re already thinking of ways to scrimp and save and get it done.  However, B’s father is still alive, and he has not even discussed giving us any money.  I’d pretty much decided to look at it as “well, what did you expect?!” and chalk it up to us doing this on our own so that we wouldn’t end up disappointed, but it does bother me that he pays several of his other children’s expenses and has never extended a helping hand to B.  It’s been like this for all of B’s life.  It’s unfair, and it hurts him, which in turn hurts me.

For two:  bridal party members and those that aspire to be.  Really, I feel honored that a lot of people wanted to be featured in the bridal party, but not everyone can be included.  One of my girlfriends actually STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME JUST BECAUSE I DIDN’T ASK HER TO BE A BRIDESMAID.  I’m just gonna give you a second to absorb that little enjoyable fact.

…

Back to the whole Maid of Honor dilemma:  I’d been toying with the idea of having two, so that I could have my closest friend, and my childhood best friend both included and feeling important.  Well, to make a long story short, before I could get around to making a final decision (as well as deciding on how to best delicately break the news either way), my best friend spilled the beans to the other friend.  It was awkward to say the least, and my childhood best friend ended up telling me how hurt and disappointed she was, etc.  That’s when I told her about how I’d been thinking of having two, but just hadn’t decided exactly how to do it.  She seemed to lighten up, so that’s what we decided on.  I spilled it to the original MOH who was gracious and understanding.  Have you ever heard the argument “If it makes someone else feel better, and it doesn’t hurt anyone in the process, then what harm can be caused?”  Yeah, that’s what I used to make this decision.  Spare the feelings of one to spare my own, in a way.  Only now, the second MOH is behaving in a way that justifies my original intentions.  Let me explain:

On the day that we were to go check out bridal gowns and bridesmaids gowns, I told everyone a time to meet.  She was 35 minutes late.  She’s always late.  This is turn made us late for meeting the other girls.  It started the day off slowly, and we had a lot of ground to cover.  We ended up making it work somehow, but I was very frustrated.  I never get to see her, because she’s so busy following her boyfriend around and doing everything he wants to do, that she never has time for anything else.  And a more recent example:  She had asked me what we were doing for the 4th of July, so I told her (friends, lake, cooking out, fireworks) and she seemed like she wanted an invitation.  So I extended one.  Only she bailed and didn’t show up because her boyfriend didn’t want to.  She didn’t tell me she wasn’t coming until after 4 pm.  After I’d bought extra food.  How in the hell is this going to work out when, as it gets closer and closer to the wedding, we need to spend our weekends taking care of things?  My other MOH?  She’s the one keeping ME in line.  She’s discussed timelines, finances, menu options, as well as ways to save money.  And another girlfriend, who is not even in the bridal party, has offered to be my unofficial wedding planner!  I guess I’m lucky in the fact that some friends are really stepping up to the plate to help, when I’m without a mother to help me.  But it’s the other friends, the ones who feel entitled, who disappoint me with their general lack of consideration that I can focus on, and nothing else.  Ugh…just thinking about all of this hurts my feelings, and quite truthfully, offends me.  I’m going to sound like a total bitch here, but right now, I’m thinking “how did you think you’d beat out my other girlfriend to be the MOH when I never see you, you never have time to hang out, and you’re always so stuck up your boyfriends ass that we go months — MONTHS — without seeing each other, despite my invitations and attempts to see you?!” (Also, I get the distinct impression she’s upset about the fact that B has decided not to have her boyfriend as a groomsman– despite the fact that they never talk anymore, and B doesn’t trust him.  See…again with the everyone wanting to be included!)

**deep breath**

Then…then there’s the girlfriend of B’s likely Best Man.  I saw the couple this weekend at a friend’s house.  Over wine, she asked me who B was having in his bridal party.  I told her that it wasn’t all worked out yet because it’s a big decision, and B HATES big decisions.  She not-so-slyly asked me “Is he thinking about having [her boyfriend] as his best man?” 

“It’s possible.” (Yes.)

“Well, I really hope he doesn’t ask him to be his Best Man.  I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“What?  Why?” (WTF?!?!)

“Well, they’ve only been friends for just over a year.  And I don’t think [her boyfriend] wants to be in that much of a responsibility role…  Plus he doesn’t want to come in between B and his other friends.”

“Well, I can’t speak for B.  It’s his decision to make, and I’m not going to tell him to not ask him to be his Best Man.  If he wants to ask him, then he can.  Frankly, it’s an honor, but if he chooses not to do it for whatever reason, I’m sure B will understand.”

Later on, I was standing in the kitchen, pouring myself yet another glass of wine, and thinking quite intently.  It this some sort of coup?  Is she trying to make me go to B and tell him to change his mind?  Why wouldn’t he want to do this for B?  They’re good friends, they trust each other, and…and…wait a second.  Is this about her not being a bridesmaid?  But wait, she once told me she HATED being a bridesmaid and never wanted to do it again!  I don’t get it…she’d still be invited to the shower, the bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the reception, etc.  Didn’t she once scowl when I explained to her that yes, if he did end up being the Best Man, he would indeed have to walk down the aisle with my best friend, upon the end of the ceremony?  Didn’t I tell her once that it’s no big deal, it’s “ten seconds in a lifetime” and “plus you love [MOH]” and “it’s only ten god damn seconds in a lifetime?!”

Just then, the potential Best Man walked into the kitchen.  Putting aside all pretense and bullshit, I flat-out asked him “Just so we’re clear — I’m not asking you to be the Best Man.  But let’s say for one second that he did in fact ask you to be his Best Man.  How would you respond?  Because I don’t want him to have his feelings hurt if you’re not interested.”

“What?  I’d be honored!  And of course I’d say yes.  We’ve already discussed this in the past, when B first told me he wanted to propose to you.  And I told him to think about it, but that if he was sure of his decision, I’d be more than happy to do it.  I’d be thrilled.”

Someone’s lying to me.

This, my friends, is just some of the reasons that weddings?  THEY CAN BLOW ME.

Is it bad that I’m already on the whole “we should just elope” bandwagon?!

The Proposal

On Sunday, June 1, he picked up my ring from the store, and afterwards hung out for the day with me and my bff and her boyfriend.  I had no idea that he’d picked up the ring, and it’s a good thing because I probably would have driven him crazy if I had known! For the next several days, B lined up plans for the proposal. On Tuesday, June 3, he called my boss, having met her several months before, to tell her of his plans and to ask her permission for me to have Friday off. Luckily, my boss agreed to it! On Friday, June 6, B mischievously set the clock forward by an hour. I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, and when I turned to check the time, I was surprised to see him still in bed.

“What time is it?” I asked him.

He pretended to be surprised, saying “Oh shit, it’s already 7:20!”

Thinking I was an hour late, I jumped out of bed and started running around trying to get ready quickly. While doing this, I noticed that he wasn’t in a hurry at all.

“Don’t you think you should hurry up and get out of here? You should have been at work 20 minutes ago!”

B then proceeded to ask me if I thought we should just take the day off.  Not knowing I was interrupting his plans, I proceeded to check my cell phone.

Noticing the correct time, I said “You must have accidentally set the clock when you tried to set the alarm! It’s only 6:20.”

I stood there, fiddling with my cell phone, attempting to turn off the alarm, as it was going to start going off in a few minutes.  I kept looking at him out of the corner of my eye, because he was acting so unusual.  He was mostly walking around aimlessly, looking as though he was going to pass out or throw up.  (Looking back in retrospect, he was probably nervous as hell.)  B took the phone out of my hands and laid it on the dresser. He took my left hand in his two hands, and started to tell me how much he loves me. 

I noticed he was acting strange, and said “What’s wrong with you? You’re acting weird!”

B just laughed and said “Let me finish, babe!” He proceeded to tell me that actually, we both already had the day off, and that he was hoping I’d spend my day, and the rest of my life, with him as his wife. Then he got down on one knee, presented me with an amazing ring, and said “[CP], will you marry me?” Of course I said yes, and then promptly burst into tears. He’d hate to admit it, but he proceeded to cry as well! Then they started laughing at each other, in typical fashion.

[Later on, I asked him how he managed to pull this off.  The night before, he worked really late and didn't get home until nearly 11 p.m.  I immediately went to bed, having slept for a few hours on the couch while waiting for him to get home.  He apparently stayed up until nearly 4 in the morning, nervous about what was coming.  He says he heard me stirring around 6 and decided to get the ring out of the closet, where he'd hidden it.  He ended up placing it under his pillow.  When I hopped out of bed, he put it in his pocket.]

Afterwards, we called my family, whose reaction wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for.  Instead of being super excited, they seemed shocked and as if they didn’t really believe me.  I was actually asked ”Wait, did he actually give you an ACTUAL ENGAGEMENT RING?”

**Cue blank stare and exasperated expression**

I immediately took a picture of it with my cell phone (since my own digital camera decided to die a few weeks ago) and sent it via picture text to both of my sisters.  My niece, on the other hand, who is six years younger than me, was very excited and thrilled for us.  On the way to breakfast that morning, I called my two closest girlfriends and told them.  They seemed a little surprised, but very excited after the initial shock wore off.  We spent the day together, just taking it easy, running some errands, and hanging out.  We had a wonderful dinner that night, complete with a bottle of wine and two desserts. (I think the diet goes out the window the day you get proposed to!)  I was really happy.  I still am really happy.  I still catch myself looking at the ring and thinking “wait a second, this is really happening!”

There have been a few minor disappointments along the way.  In the 10 days since B asked me to marry him, we’ve really found out who our true friends are.  Some of his friends had nothing to say upon hearing the news.  Some of them refused to say anything to him at all.  It’s been a little upsetting for both of us…  After all, you imagine that everyone will be thrilled for you.  You imagine everyone asking to see the ring, asking you when you’ll get married, etc.  A girlfriend of mine actually never asked to see my ring, and took nearly an hour of us hanging out to ask me how I felt about the news.  I’d been considering her for a bridesmaid, but her reaction immediately nixed that idea.  She actually had the nerve to say “well you guys have been together so long that I don’t think anyone would be really shocked about it.”  Umm, excuse me, what?

**awkward silence**

But in general, aside from being a huge lesson to B and I on who we want, and need, in our lives, we’ve had a blast.  We’ve selected the members of our bridal party.  We have tentatively set the date for next October, depending on locations and how fast they book up. 

I’ve had to make a very tough decision on who to choose as my maid of honor.  There’s my friend, M, who has been my friend since we were 8 years old.  I love her dearly, but she’s having a baby in October…right when I need to start planning.  Plus, I don’t really get to see her that much as it is.  I’ve seen her a handful of times since January 1.  She’s always really busy, and her boyfriend makes it difficult for us to hang out because he is never okay with her having a life of her own.  The biggest thing is the baby.  She’s going to be a mommy!  With an infant!  And with me not having a mother to help me plan this shin-dig, I need my MOH to be someone who has the time and patience to whip my ass into shape.  That’s where my bff comes in.  We’ve been friends for nearly 6 years, and in that time, she’s really become more like family to me.  I talk to her several times a day.  I see her usually once a week, if not every other weekend.  She’s never afraid to call me out on my bullshit, which I respect, but she’s the first one who call me up on the Friday before Father’s Day, and ask me to spend that day with her.  Knowing how sad I get because of my own dad being gone, she never wants me to be alone.  This year, her father was in town visiting her.  Due to her difficult relationship with him, she was stressed out, but she made sure to check in with me yesterday and see how I was doing.  That’s just the kind of friend she is.  Plus she’s already sent me ideas on places to get married, places to go dress shopping, etc.  And she suggested we get a timeline together.  I really think she’s going to do a fantastic job…I just need to tell my friend M about my decision.  I’m so scared of hurting her feelings.  It’s not anything personal, but I just know that my bff will have more time and energy to devote to helping me out.  If any of you have any ideas on how to do this graciously, please, let me know.  I could use all your help.

Mostly I’m just excited to start planning!  I bought The Bride’s Year Ahead, had my engagement ring insured, and set up a site on TheKnot.com.  There is a ton of stuff to do, starting with finding a location.  Hopefully B and I will get on that pretty quickly.

Everyone has been asking to see a pic of my ring, but it’s hard because I still haven’t bought a replacement digital camera since mine bit the dust.  I’m working on it…but I can give you a pretty good description.  It’s a white gold band with a round brilliant cut center stone.  There are five smaller diamonds (similar to a channel setting) on either side of the center stone.  The main diamond is completely colorless and without flaws.  It’s so sparkly and beautiful and I can hardly believe it.  Now I’m determined to go home and bang my camera to hell until it will take a least one suitable pic to show you.  Hopefully I’ll get this post updated with it soon.

Thank you so much for all the kind words and well wishes.  You guys are the best!

Enough bitching (well, almost)

For the past couple of days, I’ve logged into WordPress and just stared at the blinking cursor.  After about 2 or 3 minutes of this, I’ve logged out and resumed mindlessly twiddling my thumbs.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say.  It’s just that the things I have to say?  Well, they’re stupid.  I can think about plenty of things to bitch about (hey maybe I should resume WTF Wednesday next week) but I’m tired of bitching.  I’m tired of things ticking me off, ruining my day, and all in all turning me into a Sour Sally.  All these frowns aren’t good for preventing wrinkles after all.  The real problem is, I don’t really have anything to be happy about right now.  It’s been a tough week.  I’m tired of work.  I’m tired of the strange dreams at night that prompt me to wake up confused and angry.  AND I’ve come to the realization that no matter how much you want to trust someone, to like them unconditionally, to believe in them, if they suck as a person it’s just not going to happen.  What do you do when someone who you’ve invested real time and energy into turns out to be a selfish brat who doesn’t take your feelings into consideration?

Dammit, there I go with the bitching.

I leave for NYC in just under two weeks.  I’m hella excited about this, but also kind of weary because the person I’m bitching about above?  Yeah, she’s my travelling companion.  I just pray that everything works out, and she can put her selfish attitude aside for three days.  (On a side note, if anyone has some recommendations of things to do and see while I’m there, please let me know.  I’ve got all the basics lined up:  Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty & Ellis Island, The Met, etc.  Give me some little-known spots or dining recommendations!)

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy and chaotic.  I’ve been running around like a mad-woman who’s trying to DO! IT! ALL! and in the shortest amount of time imaginable, so I’m kind of run down.  Here’s how I envision this weekend proceeding:  Watch movies tonight and stay up as late as I can (to therefore enhance the amount of time I can sleep in tomorrow!).  Clean my house.  Make some tasty food.  Work on staining my deck (that bitch is taking FOREVER!).  Do some yard work.  Maybe have dinner with bff.  Buy a birthday present for my sorta-kinda little sis (she’s the little sis of a best friend who is turning 16), go to her birthday cookout and see my sorta-kinda adoptive family.  All in all, some quality time with people who matter, and some rest and relaxation.  B will be stuck working tomorrow (the pitfalls of his job - spring and summer are crazy busy), so I won’t see him much this weekend.  But that’s okay.  That alone time I discussed in a previous post?  Yeah, I’m needing a little bit of that again…

..if only to evaluate some things and sort out some confusion in my head regarding relationships with friends.  Because really — I can’t take much more of this shit!

Toeing the line of decency

Have you all ever had a friend who you didn’t exactly trust fully?  I know it sounds ridiculous because you’re probably thinking “why would you consider someone your friend if you felt you couldn’t trust them?”  It’s complicated.  It’s like, I want to trust her.  Life would be easier if I did trust her.  I’m sure our friendship would be more “real” if I trusted her fully, yet, I just can’t get there.  There is just something about her that makes me feel ill at ease in certain situations.

Mostly involving B.

I’ve been friends with her for about three years.  We met through mutual friends and hit it off immediately.  We hung out a lot, did things together, had common interests, etc.  But there always seemed to be this wall in between us that we couldn’t break through.  It was a silent problem — I knew it was there, but I never said anything.  I sensed that she knew it was there too, yet she never said anything either.  But then, about a year into the friendship, I figured it out.  I didn’t trust her around my boyfriend.

I started noticing the overly flirty way she behaved around him.  She sought out attention from him.  B is the type of guy who just doesn’t notice things like that, so when I finally said something to him about it, I wasn’t surprised at his reaction.

“No way.  I think you’re just being paranoid.”

But then, he noticed it too.  I guess after having said something to him, he started to pick up on little signals that to him, just didn’t feel right. 

“You know, I think you might not be so crazy after all.  I can definitely see what you’re saying now.”

He started keeping his distance.  I think he might even feel a little uncomfortable around her at times.  Mostly, it happens when we’re in a social situation and we’ve been drinking.  She gets to this point where it’s like she doesn’t even know what she’s doing.  Before I know it, she’s trying to dance with him, touching his arm a lot, attempting to take pictures with him, etc.  Normally I’m not a person who shies away from a confrontation.  But for some reason, I tend to just sit there silently, stewing in my anger and discomfort.  At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just me.  But then after B said something, my justification turned to “maybe I just made him feel paranoid with my own paranoia.”  But then, a few weeks back, she was being overly flirty with B again, and this time, another friend witnessed it.  She pulled me aside and said “[CP], WHAT are you doing?  Why don’t you go say something to her about the way she’s acting with B?”  I just half-smiled, shrugged my shoulders and said, “Oh, it’s nothing.  I trust him.”  She crossed her arms over her chest, looked at me with concern and said “Yeah, but do you trust HER?”

Last night I had a dream nightmare that involved B ignoring me and spending all his time with her.  I was walking around with a girlfriend, trying to enjoy myself at some sort of carnival, but we kept catching sight of B with her.  They were laughing and smiling.  He wouldn’t look at me.  And when I would call out his name, he pretended not to hear me.  I felt heartbroken, like all my suspicions had been justified, and I was being manipulated.  I was so angry at her — angry for hurting me, for destroying our “friendship”, and for stealing the only boy who I’ve ever loved.  But did I say anything to her?  No.  I stood there, rooted to the spot like concrete, unable to defend myself or fight for the guy I love.  And when I woke up this morning, having slept through my alarm for 30 minutes, I was pissed off.  Did I really need that extra 30 minutes of sleep?  Especially if it involved THAT kind of mental activity?  I don’t think so.

I’m the eternal optimist, and I believe in the good in everyone, so call me crazy, but — I don’t think she does it on purpose.  I don’t think she even realizes she’s doing it.  And really, who could blame her?  I haven’t spoken up about it, so she doesn’t even know that it bothers me.  But she’s the type of person that if I go to her with this, she’ll be angry and defensive and just get pissed off and stop speaking to me.  And really, I don’t have the energy to deal with that kind of childish drama. 

I guess I’m just pissed off at myself for not speaking up.  For not having the ability to just put my girl girl panties on and deal with it. 

WTF?  She is the one who is toeing the line of decency and I feel guilty? 

When words aren’t enough

I’ve always considered myself a good listener.  There is something inherent in my nature that makes me care very deeply for those that surround me.  When they hurt, I hurt.  When they are happy, I am happy for them.  I’ve lent my shoulder to puddles of tears from a friend numerous times.  I’ve found that in doing so, just being there can sometimes be enough. 

But I consider myself a woman of results — a woman who likes tangible shows of success that I have helped.  A smile.  A laugh.  Something, anything to prove that I have helped them out in some way.  Words are the best way to express sentiment, what but happens when words fail you?  What happens when words aren’t enough?

A friend of mine is going through a terrible time.  Her boyfriend of three years broke up with her suddenly, explaining that he just didn’t see a future with her.  Upon hearing the news, I immediately checked in with her to see if she was okay.  She wasn’t responsive to my messages, so I just let it go for a few days.  I thought back to how I felt when B ended our relationship last year.  I remembered how I mostly just wanted to be left alone so that I could think about things without other people offering me unwanted advice.  I gave her a few days to think, to process.  Then I sent her an email.

It was short, but to the point — I am here for you if you need me.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do.  And most importantly — I love you.

That was on Monday.

Today she checked in with me.  She was honest and raw, something most people aren’t willing to be anymore.  She said that she is falling apart — she’s not holding up well — and she doesn’t feel like she can go on.  Immediately my heart broke for her.  I know how it feels.  I’ve been there.  I’ve been to places so heart-wrenching that the only thing that felt remotely comfortable was a dark, silent room, and me in it, alone.  I instantly remembered feeling so empty and shell-like that it made me uncomfortable.  I did what any friend would do.  I told her that she’s strong, even though she doesn’t feel like it right now.  I told her I love her, and that I’m here for her.  I told her that if there is anyone in the entire world who understands what she’s going through — the realization that the person you thought you would marry no longer is in love with you — that it’s me.  And then I told her the truth, that nothing I say will make her feel any better.  It has to come from within. 

I wish I had more to say.  I wish I had a success story of making it through a break-up, heart in tact, though maybe a little care-worn.  The truth is, I was lucky.  B realized he was making a huge mistake, and we were able to put things back together.  I began to pull out of my misery mostly because I could see my dreams coming back together in tiny, barely recognizable, but recognizable still, pieces. 

My friend will not be so lucky.  And I have no words of advice to share with her.  The truth is, words are never truly enough.  Words aren’t even tangible unless written down.  You can tell someone you love them, that they will be okay, but does it ever really matter when they can’t see it, can’t hold on to it, in their darkest moments?

How do you help someone when words just aren’t enough?

Eyes Wide…Open

It’s such a bitch when you find out that you didn’t know someone as well as you thought you did.  It’s also such a bitch when you learn that a friendship wasn’t as good as you thought it was.

I hate to sound melodramatic, but I’m over a lot of shit today and I feel the need to vent it all out.  That’s what blogging is for, right?

I had a conversation with a friend last week.  A conversation that I believed was in confidence, that I believed would go nowhere.  Little to my knowledge, it was repeated to the exact same person we were discussing no sooner than 5 seconds later.  It’s caused a shit-storm.  I hate to be so vague, but I live in constant daily fear that someone I know will discover my blog and be able to determine who I am, based on what I write.  Let’s just say that it led to a huge confrontation between all three of us today.  I feel as though I was treated very unfairly in the whole ordeal, and I’m not just trying to play the victim.  I said what I needed to say to both of them, and while we’re all definitely on the same page about what happened, I am still really angry.  Not as angry as I was at 10:00 this morning, but very angry nonetheless. 

And I had actually come to work in a good mood today!  But the Gods, they had another plan in mind for me. 

“Oh, [CP] is having a good day!  She’s actually seen the break in the clouds!  Let’s pour some more shit on her and watch her drown!”

Then… more stuff happens.  I found out that B and I were purposely not invited to a friend’s birthday party on Saturday night because of this guy.  Basically, the birthday boy is very close with the asshole in the post I put up, yet he’s also very good friends with my boyfriend.  So let me get this straight…  Just because some asshole, who has been friends with my boyfriend for more than 15 years, decides that B needs to choose between their friendship and his relationship with me (and consequently [sp?] B of course chose me and hasn’t spoken to him since then), we all can’t be mature enough to gather together to honor a friend’s birthday? 

Does this make sense to you?

Maybe they didn’t want to deal with any conflict.  But the last time I checked, it was neither B nor I who were wrong in that situation.  If anything, Mr. Birthday Boy and his Girlfriend, who I thought was a friend of mine, should have told the asshole to grow up and keep his mouth shut for one night.  They could have even felt free enough to give the same sage advice to B and myself, if they felt the need.  Yeah, you can say that things happen when people are drinking.  I know this.  But you know what?  It still doesn’t make it right.

So basically, I’m just over it.  I’m over the whole thing.  It’s just two more cases of friendships that aren’t what I thought they were. 

It’s such a bitch.

WTF Wednesday: Grump Edition

Fuck motherfucking fuck.  How in the hell is it only Wednesday?  I feel like my weeks are becoming endless cycles of sleep, eat, work, shower, etc.  In honor of WTF Wednesday (started last week, duh), here is a list of things that are currently pissing me off / annoying me to no end.

1.  My boss.  I guess I’m supposed to have telepathic (right word?) abilities and be able to read her fucking mind. Well guess what?  That’s not a crystal ball on my desk, you see.  It’s just a damn computer.

2.  B and I went grocery shopping last night for a few minor things.  Since it was getting late, we decided to just grab something from there for dinner, so I wouldn’t have to cook once we got home.  Only, wtf am I supposed to eat?  Seriously, everything that he suggested was totally off-limits, or loaded up with saturated and/or trans fats.  Plus, all I really could keep staring at was a simple carton of Nesquick, my favorite thing ever in the whole entire world, hands down.  That shit has 30 grams of sugar in it per serving, and I’m sorry, but I’ve already lost 14 pounds and I’m not going back to being a fucking fat ass ever.again.

3.  Lately, every time my friends email or call me, it’s all about them.  Their latest crisis, their latest decision, their latest fight with their significant other.  Not one of them has asked me how I am, or how my life is, or what I’ve been up to.  Two nights ago when a friend called me, I just sat there quietly listening to her talk, barely speaking myself.  After we got off the phone, B asked me who I was talking to, and said “you hardly said a word.”  Yeah, no kidding.

I don’t know.  I guess it’s just one of those days.  It’s not that I hate my job, or that I’m unhappy with my friendships.  It’s none of those things.  I’m just in a funk and being a brat.  But at least I can admit it.

What is bugging you guys today?

I only have myself to blame

Drama drama everywhere and no one to blame.  Except myself.

I asked for it.  I complained that my life was getting boring and stagnant.  And I wanted to shake things up a bit.  Well, the gods must have heard my plea for mercy and granted me some wish fulfillment.  Too bad it wasn’t the kind of drama I wanted.

Friday was awful.  A no good, horrible, very-bad day at work.  Followed by an even longer and more terrible drive home, due to traffic.  I got into an argument with B.  He was in a pissy mood, and instead of just telling me why (and it didn’t even have anything to do with me), instead he pouted and was short with me and had an attitude.  Which caused me to have an attitude.  Which led to us fighting on the phone on the way home.  By the time he got home, I was sitting on our bed, crying and dabbing away at the day’s remnants of mascara and eyeliner running down my cheek.  I guess all it took for him to realize what an insensitive jerk he’d been, was to see me sitting there, crying.  He felt awful, confided what his problem was, and said he was sorry. 

Saturday started out amazing.  It was cold, but sunny, and all of us were excited for the day’s activities.  Seven girls + a sober driver (B volunteered) + four wineries = a hell of a lot of fun. 

We got a late start.  M2 was over an hour late getting to our meeting point.  Her ex showed up late as hell to pick up their kids.  He did it just to spite her, knowing that she had plans for the day.  Every minute that she was late was taking away from the time we needed to complete the wine trail.  We sat around on edge waiting for her to get there, knowing it wasn’t her fault.  Once he finally arrived and she was able to leave, he decided to insult her physical appearance via text message.  Because you know, when you’re a grown-ass man, and you have kids, you can be classy like that.  Asshole.

At the end of the day, as we were all drunk with happiness and massive amounts of red and white wine, the drama with the other girls started.  Two of the girls, T and K, date brothers.  T has been with her boyfriend for about five years.  K has been with hers for two years.  Both of their boyfriends are possessive and jealous types, never wanting their other half to have a life of their own.  What is the problem with a bunch of girls hanging out all day, drinking wine and having girl time, I ask you?  The only boy around us was my boyfriend B, and that was because he was sweet enough to offer to be our designated driver.  T and K’s boyfriends started getting angry with the fact that we were all staying at S’s house for the night.  They felt as though they should drive the hour home, even though they’d been drinking all day.  So the other brothers in the family started in with the fighting too.  Before you know it, they were texting T and K and insulting them.  So the boys, being ya know MATURE and all, decided that if their girlfriends were going to stay the night out (oh holy hell what a sin!) that they were going to go out too.  To a nearby college.  To a frat party. 

So the girls got upset.  They tried to reason and say that it wasn’t a fair trade-off.  That they were with girls only.  But if the boys went to this frat party, that they would be with other girls, and really how did that make them any better than their girlfriends?

Are you confused?  Yeah, I was too.

Our mood inside the car went from laughing and happy to tense and awkward in 2 seconds flat.  T and K were fighting with their boyfriends via text message and phone calls for the last 20 minutes of the ride home. 

Upon our arrival at S’s house, the girls announced that they wanted to leave.  We managed to convince them that if they did that, all they were doing was allowing their boyfriends to win, to exert control over them and what they choose to do with their life.  Plus, I pointed out, if they left, they’d most likely not end up at home, but in jail facing a DUI charge.

They stayed.

The rest of the night was fine, fun even.  B picked up food for us, then he went home to hang out by himself.  I guess all the estrogen and girl time was enough to wear him down!  Bless his heart for doing that for us, however.  It was very sweet of him.

Relationships are complicated.  What is the point in being with someone when all you ever do is fight?  What is the point in being in a relationship with someone that you feel you must be with at all times or else something bad will happen?  What is the point in investing so much into a relationship where you don’t trust each other?

It was enough to wear me out.

Later on that night, as everyone else was sleeping, I laid there staring at the ceiling thinking of my relationship with B.  For everything that we have, and everything that we are, it has never been perfect.  We’ve broken up before, called a few time-outs to evaluate things.  We still have our disagreements about things, usually small.  We’ve managed to come up with successful, healthy ways to resolve issues and arguments.  In him, I have a best friend who I know will not insult me or harass me or keep me locked in a cage.  The best kind of a relationship is one built on trust and friendship where you encourage the other to do things that make them happy.  And if that means a night away from home with your best friends, then that is okay — even if you are going to miss that person terribly while they are gone.

When I got home yesterday morning, B was sleeping on the couch.  He had fallen asleep in the living room the night before.  When I woke him up to ask him why he hadn’t slept in our bed, he said “it felt really empty without you there.  Plus, ya know, I wanted to watch tv and all.”  A smile spread across his face.

He missed me too.

List-y

Apologies, apologies.  I have been mighty worthless these last few days.  Sorry for not blogging, but sometimes life catches up with you.  My brain is a jumble of mixed-up thoughts and slow processes this morning.  Yesterday was a holiday for me, so I wasn’t at work.  And I’m afraid that all you’re going to get out of me today is a list.

1.  I haven’t had any alcohol to drink in 18 days.  Result?  My brain is a lot clearer, and I feel better.  It’s not that I’m never going to drink again, but I decided to lay off the booze for a while and purge my body of the bad things I’d been putting into it, such as fried foods, too much chocolate and sweets, and alcohol.  I have a feeling that has a lot to do with the 13 pound weight loss I’ve experienced.

2.  This Saturday my friends and I are getting together for girl time!  I’m so excited about this.  We’re doing it up old school — pajamas, facial masks, pretty nails, the whole nine yards.  Add to that some fabulous take-out (which I am so looking forward to!) and some wine, and you have one hell of a recipe for success.

3.  I miss my BFF.

4.  I saw my friend out this weekend (the one I posted about here).  We managed to have small talk and a little bit of conversation, but really, it’s just kind of awkward.  We seem to have less and less in common.  I’m not sad really, just realizing that this is a part of life.  But I have to wonder, does she even notice it at all?

5.  Can I just please shout from the rooftops how much I love B?!  It’s so hard to believe how EASY it is for us to be around each other, accomplish things, and spend time together.  It didn’t used to be so easy.  I guess when you find your stride, the journey becomes a lot more enjoyable.

6.  I was bugging B about my ring this weekend.  I’m terribly impatient.  The sales guy had told him that it would be ready around the middle of February.  He indicated that I might be lucky enough to have him give it to me before the end of next month!  Then I can share this wonderful secret with my family and friends that I’ve had to keep to myself!  I will officially be an engaged woman just after my 25th birthday!  YES!

7.  I actually cleaned my house yesterday.  SHOCKER!  I did this on my holiday.  HOLIDAY being the operative word.  We’re talking dusting and vacuuming and scrubbing floors with.my.bare.hands.  I was exhausted by the time B got home from work.

8.  I just finished the book My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.  You must check it out.

9.  I’m looking forward to my birthday.  I will be 25 and I can’t even believe.  A quarter of a century.  I’ve already had my quarter-life-crisis.  Perhaps I’ll blog about that some other time.  But no, I’m looking forward to a nice dinner with only my closest friends, and a gigantic dessert.  I think by that time, I will have definitely earned a little bit of indulgence.

I’m so pathetic I can’t even come up with 10 things. 

For those of you who had yesterday off, tell me:  How did you spend your holiday?

It’s not the same anymore.

Our friendship used to be strong.  I used to think of you as family, think of your family as my family.  It’s not the same anymore.

We used to see each other, hang out together, do things together.  We used to laugh a lot.  It’s not the same anymore.

You were my first phone call in a crisis; sometimes my last phone call of the day.  I needed your advice.  It’s not the same anymore.

I used to trust you.  I used to tell you everything.  I never thought my words would go away from your lips and be shared with someone else.  It’s not the same anymore.

We were best friends, inseparable like shadows of each other.  Where I went, you went and vice versa.  It’s not the same anymore.

We used to talk about what it would be like when we “grew up.”  We discussed living in the same neighborhood, our kids going to the same schools and becoming best friends too.  And you know what?  That hasn’t happened. 

It’s more than just growing up.  It’s more than our relationships with our boyfriends or our other friends.  There is a crack in our friendship that I’ve been hastily trying to fill.  I used to work tirelessly on it, promising never to give up on it. 

It’s not the same anymore.

I’m tired of trying to fix something that’s broken.  It takes two to sustain a friendship.  You used to be there, 100% present and accounted for.

It’s not the same anymore.