Patience is not my virtue

I’m terribly fucking impatient. 

There, I said it.

It’s so bad that other people comment on it.  I recognize it in myself, even.  And what’s that they say?  Usually we don’t see the worst of ourselves because we don’t want to?  Well, I see this about me.  I see it every day.  It’s there when people are driving too slow (too slow for whom?).  It’s there when I’m standing in line behind someone and I’m making a face and sighing just a little too loud, waiting for them to hurry it the hell up.  It’s there when I’m waiting on someone who is late (it’s always someone else who is late, never me).  I’m just terribly fucking impatient and, unfortunately, I don’t ever see that changing.

So that’s why I’m in my present predicament.  I’m terribly fucking tired of not being engaged.

B and I looked at rings and ordered a setting in December.  Most people would cringe at the thought, thinking “why would you ever want to know when your ring is coming or how it will look?”  Well, it worked for me us.  Things have been so great with us for a long time now, and we wanted to really take the next step together.  I made him promise not to divulge what the center diamond will look like or when he’ll do it.  He has obliged.  But I know that he can tell that I’m getting terribly distraught over the non-appearance of a diamond on my left ring finger.  He just chuckles, shrugs his shoulders, and tells me to be patient.

Ha.  That’s funny.

Something is up though.  He’s been acting kind of strange.  When I did the laundry the other day, I did his for him because he’s been working so late and he hasn’t had the time.  He yelled at me when he saw me moving towards his side of the closet. 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” he shrieked.

“Umm…putting your clothes away.  Is that okay?”

“NO!  I’ll do it.  Umm…I mean, I don’t need you to do it.  Actually, please just stay away from the closet.  And the dresser.  Thanks, babe.”

If I was a lesser woman, I’d wait for the first moment he left and I’d head straight there, curious about what he’s hiding.  But I thought about it while folding more clothes, and something inside told me that this might be coming very soon.  I might not have to be impatient much longer. 

You know that saying “when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now”?  Well yeah, like that one State Farm (Allstate?  Whatever) insurance commercial, I’m there.  Been there.  Been there, waiting with a very tense expression on my face.  All the while, I’ve been trying to maintain some normal level of patience and grace.

I’m just not so good at it.

I’m very grateful for what I’ve got.  I know I’ve got a guy who loves me to death, in spite of my flaws and because of my quirks.  He’s my best friend in the world and I trust him with my whole life.  We’ve both given so much of ourselves to this relationship.  We’ve been scrutinized, judged, and examined for all of our choices, and I just think we deserve the chance to prove to everyone our intentions of staying together forever.  And truthfully?  I’m dying to be more than just his girlfriend.  Our relationship is so much bigger than all of that.  It’s not perfect by any means, but dammit, it’s pretty damn great. 

On the other hand, I’ve come to realize that when I really need to, I can keep a secret.  Only the BFF knows about the setting.  I’d say that’s pretty impressive!

Tighten up, slacker

All day today I’ve stared at my computer screen, then at the paltry list of things to be accomplished by 4:30 today, when I will leave to begin a very anticipated, refreshing weekend.  I’ve twiddled my thumbs, sighed about a hundred times, and stared at my shoes.  I’ve picked at my cuticles, filed my nails, and examined my pores in the mirror of my compact.  Then I thought to myself, you’d probably pass a lot more time if you sat down and typed out an entry on WordPress.  It’s just lately, for some reason, I feel as though I’ve got nothing worth saying writing. 

It’s not that things are great and without conflict.  There’s always a little bit of conflict.  I could tell you about the the tension, the nightmares, the unfortunate set of circumstances that made this week one hell of a bad week for B, but I don’t want to dwell on the past.  After all, it’s over, so what’s the point in rehashing it out again?  I could tell you about the frustration I’ve experienced with my job, but where does that get me?  I could tell you about my total impatience regarding becoming engaged, but no no no, none of these things will suffice.  Instead, I just need to tell myself “tighten up, slacker.”  So that’s what I’m going to do.

The past few weeks (oh, who the hell am I kidding?  The past MONTH) has been a whirlwind of emotions.  I’ve experienced everything from anger to sadness to total loss.  I’ve been way, way up, and so, so low.  I’ve felt excited, accomplished, and hopeful.  But I’ve also felt alone, stifled, and pessimistic.  But it’s all over now. 

To sum up my trip to NYC, I must say — forgive me for not posting a review and pictures as I promised.  I’m still staring at my photos wondering what exactly I can crop out that will still give you a sense of who I am and what I look like without totally forgoing my anonymity.  Anyone have any suggestions?  Also, the trip was fantastic.  I saw a performance of Wicked, which was just simply amazing, and dare I say it, life changing.  I breathed in the sights, smells, and experiences of the city, and decided that if I were to pick one city in the world I’d live in, it would be New York City for sure.  I hailed my first cab; nearly died on a fast-paced, dangerous shuttle ride complete with a nightmare driver; was disgusted by the Subway, but also strangely fascinated by its users; saw the Empire State Building; walked the streets of Manhattan while staring straight at the sky like a total tourist.  In short, I did all I could do in four days, and when I came home, I’d never experienced such pains in my legs and hips from all that walking!  I took a tour of the city and breathed it all in, and at the risk of sounding really corny, I felt more alive there than I’ve ever felt in any other place I’ve ever been.  I just, well, loved it.  For everything it was.

This weekend I’m looking forward to hanging out with my girlfriends, seeing Sex and the City tonight (SQUEE!), having a girls night out, and catching some sun.  I can’t wait for the Country Fest concert at the Richmond Raceway complex so I can listen to B’s favorite music and snuggle in his arms.  I’m not exactly a “country girl”, but I can appreciate country music.  I also have a short list of things house-related I’d like to get done, but I’m not going to pressure myself into doing them, because life?  

It’s what happens when you’re too busy making other plans.

I just need to remember to breathe, smile, and be patient.  Good things are coming, and I just need to live every second for what it’s worth. 

Weeeeee!

Obnoxious post title, but that’s kind of how I feel at the moment.  Plus, it’s quite the change from the tone of my last post, wherein, I was a sick and whiny bitch, no? 

There’s no particular reason for the total change of mindset.  This weekend saw nothing fantastic happen.  B and I got a lot of rest, did some housecleaning, ran a lot of errands, and accomplished some major grocery and essentials shopping.  We were out of EVERYTHING — right down to body wash, deodorant, trash bags, and kitty litter.  It was one of THOSE trips.  It took 4 hours to get it all done.  Yikes.  Our bank account is currently cussing us out.  We had dinner with some friends on Saturday night, and laid around being lazy yesterday.  But for some reason, I feel as though the wheels are turning, and good things are on their way. 

Okay so can I just divulge some of the latest details about my engagement ring?  Well, faithful freaders will recall that it’s been about four months since we picked out and ordered my setting.  It’s been a loooooong four months my friends!  The ring took forever to arrive to the store, about 10 weeks, due to them being overly-busy (holiday season and such), and the fact that it had to be completely manufactured and sized appropriately.  From there, B had the monumental task of picking out a diamond for the setting.  That was about a month ago.  It’s been taking a while because the ring is kind of expensive (okay, pretty damn expensive — more expensive than we were anticipating), and B had to save up money for it.  It’s just about paid for!  I have no idea what the diamond looks like, or when it’s going to be ready.  I hope very soon, because I cannot wait.  I’m the world’s most impatient person and these kinds of things are hard to keep quiet, but I’ve been doing my best. ;)  It may end up being a while because I know B wants to surprise me with it, by asking me when I least expect it.  Just keep your fingers crossed that it will be soon and all will be well!

I’m just so happy today I could squeal!  The sky is blue, the bills are paid, and everything is going well.  It hasn’t always been easy, and I know it won’t always be easy, but I have a lot of good things to look forward to.  Like my trip to NYC, which is next month! 

Thank you all so, so much for your kind comments and emails on my last post.  What did I ever do without you guys, seriously?!

Like a kid on Christmas Eve

The last couple of times I sat down to update my blog, nothing has come out.  I just stare at the blinking cursor and think to myself what’s the point?  There’s just nothing all that interesting going on around here.

The weekend was good, but fast.  Friday night B and I caught a screening of Vantage Point, which I really liked.  I think I was the only one in the theater who did, judging by the moans of the audience every time it rewound time to the beginning of the shooting.  Saturday was a whole lot of errand running and preparing for hanging out with friends.  I felt so rushed, which I hate, but B had to get his hair cut.  I had to buy a gift for a friend.  Then there was the whole shower/exfoliate/shave/makeup/hair/outfit/accessories job to be done.  It was all worth it however, because the evening was great fun. 

Look, I’d really like to share pictures with you, but it would compromise my anonymity.  Even sharing pics with faces blurred makes me uncomfortable.  I do not want anyone to find out about my blog.  It’s my own little place to go and vent and be insecure if I need to be.  And if someone I knew read it, well I would fall apart and then my entries would become a lot like we went here and did this and omg i have so much laundry to do and wow my boyfriend is really great.  Shit, wait.  My blog is already like that right now.

Well, fuck.

Look, the real news?  I’m one impatient motherfucker.  I ain’t gonna lie.  No frontin’ round here, freaders.  And lately, all I can think about is getting engaged.  B jokingly said to me, two days ago, “you realize we’ve been doing this whole dating thing for 9 years?” and all of a sudden I felt really old and scared and I started thinking to myself what would my father say if he were still here?  He would certainly sit me down and say “honey, what are B’s intentions?”  Truth is, I know we’re getting engaged because we did the whole picking out engagement rings thing and well, he did tell me that “we’re getting down to the wire” which I guess means it’s coming soon.  Am I excited?  Hell yes!  But mostly I’m just impatient because ohmygod can we please get the show on the road so we can share the news with our family and friends?!?!  It’s all I can think about lately.  I even dream about it.  I try not to nag him because I know he’s working on it, and he’s got great taste and wants to get me a beautiful diamond.  I know what the setting looks like, but not the diamond, so yeah, I’m kind of eager to see it.  Lately, every time we make plans to do something or go somewhere, I find myself stressing out over what I’m wearing because what if it ends up being the time where he proposes?  Or if he’s acting strange and stressed out, I get all excited thinking it’s going to happen any second now, and then I get discouraged when it doesn’t.  He has no idea the amount of insanity going on up in my head because I keep it to myself, thankfully.  I haven’t even shared details with my one friend who does know, because that’s just tacky.

B did say to me on Friday, “I’m just having such a great day because I’m totally in love with my life right now.  I’m in a good place.”

I responded, “What has changed from, say, a week ago?”

“Lots of things.  I’m just excited and grateful, and I just want the rest of my life to start this very minute.  I want us to be together forever because you just make me so happy,” he explained.

I started to freak out.  I was totally having an inner monologue going on upstairs.

Holy shit, he’s going to ask me right now, right?  Right?  Maybe not.  He’s still going on about how happy he is.  Shouldn’t this be about US and how happy WE are?  He can’t possibly propose right now.  We’re in the car!  On the way to the movies!  No way. 

**2 minutes later**

Dammit, I really wish he’d just ask me!  This is driving me nuts!

He, of course, did not propose to me that night.  That’s okay.  It’s nerve-wracking, but it’s okay.  I’m just so impatient and I’m carrying around this massive secret about the whole ring thing and it’s becoming a giant block in my brain that I can’t get around.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when he finally does propose.  We have no major “plans” coming up any time soon.  Just our usual stuff.  I’m scared and excited and antsy all at the same time.  I think someone once said to enjoy it, because it goes by so fast, then it’s over.

But me?  I’m all about instant gratification.

On hearts & chocolates. It must be love!

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

There is no better way to wake up than to a hilarious card (by way of sexual humor), some amazing chocolates, and a gift card to Starbucks.

B knows me so well.

Tonight we will make dinner together, devour some of my chocolates, and watch some DVDs, snuggled on the couch.  In our many years together, we have seen lots of different ways to celebrate this day.  We’ve done hotel stays, complete with jacuzzi tub and lingerie.  We’ve done romantic dinners out.  We’ve celebrated with diamonds (for me, of course).  But this year, we’re going low-key.

He also hinted that the day for me to get my ring could quite possibly be right around the corner.  Anyone want to weigh in on the possibilities?  My birthday is next week. 

I love him for many reasons.  He makes me laugh.  He laughs at my jokes, even when they’re not that funny.  He knows when all I need is a hug.  He spoils me.  He’s my best friend. 

I hope this Valentine’s Day finds you all in the best of spirits, single or attached. 

XOXO,

CP

List-y

Apologies, apologies.  I have been mighty worthless these last few days.  Sorry for not blogging, but sometimes life catches up with you.  My brain is a jumble of mixed-up thoughts and slow processes this morning.  Yesterday was a holiday for me, so I wasn’t at work.  And I’m afraid that all you’re going to get out of me today is a list.

1.  I haven’t had any alcohol to drink in 18 days.  Result?  My brain is a lot clearer, and I feel better.  It’s not that I’m never going to drink again, but I decided to lay off the booze for a while and purge my body of the bad things I’d been putting into it, such as fried foods, too much chocolate and sweets, and alcohol.  I have a feeling that has a lot to do with the 13 pound weight loss I’ve experienced.

2.  This Saturday my friends and I are getting together for girl time!  I’m so excited about this.  We’re doing it up old school — pajamas, facial masks, pretty nails, the whole nine yards.  Add to that some fabulous take-out (which I am so looking forward to!) and some wine, and you have one hell of a recipe for success.

3.  I miss my BFF.

4.  I saw my friend out this weekend (the one I posted about here).  We managed to have small talk and a little bit of conversation, but really, it’s just kind of awkward.  We seem to have less and less in common.  I’m not sad really, just realizing that this is a part of life.  But I have to wonder, does she even notice it at all?

5.  Can I just please shout from the rooftops how much I love B?!  It’s so hard to believe how EASY it is for us to be around each other, accomplish things, and spend time together.  It didn’t used to be so easy.  I guess when you find your stride, the journey becomes a lot more enjoyable.

6.  I was bugging B about my ring this weekend.  I’m terribly impatient.  The sales guy had told him that it would be ready around the middle of February.  He indicated that I might be lucky enough to have him give it to me before the end of next month!  Then I can share this wonderful secret with my family and friends that I’ve had to keep to myself!  I will officially be an engaged woman just after my 25th birthday!  YES!

7.  I actually cleaned my house yesterday.  SHOCKER!  I did this on my holiday.  HOLIDAY being the operative word.  We’re talking dusting and vacuuming and scrubbing floors with.my.bare.hands.  I was exhausted by the time B got home from work.

8.  I just finished the book My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.  You must check it out.

9.  I’m looking forward to my birthday.  I will be 25 and I can’t even believe.  A quarter of a century.  I’ve already had my quarter-life-crisis.  Perhaps I’ll blog about that some other time.  But no, I’m looking forward to a nice dinner with only my closest friends, and a gigantic dessert.  I think by that time, I will have definitely earned a little bit of indulgence.

I’m so pathetic I can’t even come up with 10 things. 

For those of you who had yesterday off, tell me:  How did you spend your holiday?

Happy New Year!

Wow.  Let’s just say that it’s a good thing I had four back-to-back days off to process the news of my friend’s pregnancy. 

It took a lot of time to let it sink in.  I still don’t think I’m fully there yet.  I talked to her a couple of times this weekend.  She seems overwhelmed.  A little scared.  I think she is starting to become happy about it.  Like I said, it’s hard not to be excited about a baby, no matter how unprepared you are for it.  She’s got a tough road to travel for the next year.  Sadly, her vision of 2008 will drastically differ from mine.

Before I can even begin to think about New Year’s Resolutions (seriously?  I NEVER stick to them), I still need to wrap my brain around 2007.

I changed.  My life changed.  Some things are still the same.  Some are very very different.

January started out with the best NYE I’ve ever had in my whole 24 years.  Tickets to a beautiful club in D.C.  Seriously, it was fabulous.  Open bar kind of fabulous!  Many, many, many Vodka tonics kind of fabulous!  A smooch with B at midnight started off what I thought would be the year to end all years.  I didn’t know I was in for quite the rollercoaster.

February was when I turned 24.  24, such a boring age.  B surprised me with a limo for me and my friends.  Dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant.  A party at our house.  DRAMA.  B’s friend (remember Dickhead?) started a feud between a friend of mine and myself.  They stormed out of my party.  Good thing I still had a lot of friends there to make me forget about it.

March was my lowest month.  B ended our relationship.  He said he was in a tough spot.  Couldn’t decide what he wanted for his life.  Had too many things to figure out.  My heart was broken.  Totally, utterly broken.  I stopped speaking to the friend of mine who was not there for me during the breakup.  No offers to hang out, to go out.  Just a shitty piece of advice that was unwanted.  I didn’t want to forget about B.  I wanted to figure it out and make it work.  In March, I spent a lot of time alone.  I was sad beyond belief.  Not even really bad tv could cheer me up.

In April I decided to stop being a baby.  I started ignoring B, which was hard because we were living together.  Sleeping apart.  The works.  He would call, I would ignore.  I stayed away from home a lot.  Stayed at friends.  Went out.  A very cute boy told me he liked me.  I blushed, but my heart ached for B.  The end of that month, B came looking for me at a party and cried, saying he’d made the biggest mistake of his life.  He wanted me back and he never wanted to be without me again.  I was skeptical, but happy.

May was a blur.  A lot of dinner dates with B, reassessing things.  We had sex in every room of our house (TMI?  whoops!).  I didn’t see much of my friends this month because I was just overjoyed to be back in B’s arms.  We discovered something that month — we are totally and completely in love.  B and I started hanging out with new friends…friends from our past who we became closer to.  We made a lot of new friends through them.  We hosted our very first cookout at our house.

June brought a wonderful surprise.  The friend that I’d been estranged from for nearly three months extended an olive branch, an invitation to forgive.  I welcomed it and we reconciled.  I saw my niece graduate from high school.  Many many weekends were spent floating my lake and relaxing.  Walks around the neighborhood became my own cheap version of therapy.  I truly enjoyed the feeling of sunlight on my face.  Everything was looking up. 

July was probably the most FUN month all year.  July was when B and I went to see Warped Tour in Virginia Beach.  The intense heat of the summer made our lake all the much more enjoyable.  I went tubing for the first time ever.  I held on for a really long time and was so proud of myself.  It might seem small, but it was a great moment for me.  I went on a three mile walk alone, with nothing but my iPOD to keep me company.  I remember stopping in the middle of a street in my neighborhood and realizing that I wanted to marry B.  For real this time, no nonsense. 

August is always my least favorite month.  It’s so hot and sticky outside and it becomes unbearable to be out of the air conditioning.  B and I celebrated our 8th anniversary.

September is my favorite month.  I smile all month long because the leaves start to change and it reminds me of my mom, because her birthday is in September.  We worked on our house, painting a few rooms and buying new things for our bedroom.  B and I had what I like to call our very first successful fight.  It was successful because we both realized that we weren’t going to get anywhere, so we took a time out.  He went to the office and watched football alone.  I went for a walk.  When I got back from the walk, he greeted me at the door and apologized.  I apologized.  No screaming.  No throwing things.  Just a disagreement, some anger, then apologies.  What can I say?  It was a milestone.

In October, we saw my friend K get married.  It was a beautiful wedding.  During their first dance, B squeezed my hand and whispered “I can’t wait until that’s us.”  He started to talk about colors and bridal parties and cakes.  One night, he woke me up in the middle of the night to say “You’re my best friend in the entire world.  I can’t wait until you’re my wife.”  I melted.

November was relatively quiet.  We had Thanksgiving at his dad’s house.  I started this blog.  My blog became my outlet.  I unleash things here and get it out of my head.  Instead of going to B with every complaint about work or friends or money, I just blog about it.  I honestly feel lighter.  I was so excited every time I got a comment.  My blog is my baby.

December was amazing.  We picked out my engagement ring.  We ordered the setting.  We kept it a secret from everyone except BFF.  I had to tell someone before I burst with happiness!  We found out it will be ready somewhere between the beginning to middle of February.  (Tangent: Why does it take so long to get the setting from the vendor?  Hmmm…  Seriously, it just needs to be sized!)  We celebrated B’s 24th birthday and Christmas.  I found out my friend M is pregnant.  We rang in 2008 at a bar downtown.

There is so much more to do.  We’ll get engaged and spread the news to our friends and family.  We’re talking about hosting an engagement party.  We don’t have family that will do it for us, so we’ll do it for ourselves.  I’m going to turn 25.  Work will bring pressure and stress, but I’ll take it out on my blog.  I hope to turn this thing, this project, into something I can be proud of.  Not just an outlet, but something that signifies who I am, right down to the fine details.

2007 was a bit of a rollercoaster…going from in a relationship to breaking up, to getting back together practically being engaged.  It’s been a lot, but not more than I can handle.  And honestly, when I look back at the rough patch in March and April, I can only be grateful.  For while I had my heart broken and my faith shattered, it was all rebuilt on a better, stronger foundation. 

Here’s to the hope that 2008 will bring more growth, less stress, more laughter, less tears.  Here’s to the hope that 2008 will be MY year.

Happy New Year, loveys.

Cluster-fucked

To the person who found me by googling “stepmom cuts me out after Dad died”, yeah I’m sorry about that.  Stepmothers can be evil bitches.  I call mine “stepmonster.”  This is not to say that some stepmothers are wonderful creatures.  But mine, and apparently, the google searcher?  Yeah, ours sucked ass.

And to the sick fucker who found me by googling “guy bangs his stepmom”?  You’re fucking sick.  I don’t know what else to say.

Four acquaintances of mine from school got engaged over the holiday weekend.  I found this out by logging into Facebook this morning.  Seriously?  Four people?  Why does everyone get engaged around Christmas.  I guess I can’t complain — we did order my ring in the month of December!

(Tangent: It’s been 2 weeks.  We still have another 2-4 weeks to go until the setting is here!  Ugh, I am so impatient!)

I was IMed this morning by a guy that I had a “fling” with during college.  This was during a tenuous breakup with B.  I hadn’t talked to him in like three years or something crazy, but he popped up on my screen with a “hey stranger.”  We talked for a few minutes…just long enough for me to find out that he moved in with his girlfriend of 16 months and is shopping for an engagement ring for her, and for him to ask me if B and I are engaged yet.  I told him about the engagement ring and how we had it ordered from the store.  Why?  I don’t know.  I felt the need to prove that I was justified in breaking his heart and going back to B.  Who knows.  The conversation abruptly cut off after we had said all we could to each other…about our jobs, about where we live, and who we still hang out with.  Awkward.

It’s the day after Christmas and I am so disillusioned.  You know what I did yesterday?  I woke up at 8 am, watched multiple episodes of Dawson’s Creek (shut up!) and took naps.  There was no present opening.  There was no stocking un-stuffing.  There was no ham or turkey or mashed potatoes.  There was no pumpkin pie.  We had a very un-Christmas-like day. 

It made me vow to make next year more “normal.”

Confession:  I still think about him from time to time.  I still wonder what would have happened if I’d stuck to the breakup with B and given it a shot with him.  Who would I be today?  Would B and I have gotten back together?  Would we still be friends? 

I guess it’s normal.  But it’s still one hell of a clusterfuck to think about.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Now that I’m nearly 25 years old, my version of Christmas is drastically different from what it used to be.  I remember not being able to sleep at all on Christmas Eve, so excited to see what Santa brought.  I would sneak out under the pretense of “but daddy, I’m sooooooooo thirsty!” just to get a sneak peak at what laid under the tree.  These days, Christmas Eve is just like any other day, and Christmas morning finds B and I snuggling in bed, totally able to sleep in.  It’s usually the dogs whimpering to go out that prompts us out of the warm haven of our bed.  I know that things never stay the same and growing up changes a lot of traditions, but it’s kind of heartbreaking at the same time.  I’m feeling nostalgic today, so I decided to recall a list of memorable Christmases (in no particular order):

1987:  I was just three years old and it was the last Christmas I remember my parents being together.  We lived in a house with a large finished basement, which is where we kept our Christmas tree and all of the presents.  Four children = a lot of presents!  Our entire basement was practically flooded with small, medium, and large presents wrapped in brightly colored boxes with bows.  It was a veritable heaven for any kid.  I was the baby in my family, coming 11 years after the third child, so my brother and sisters were all much older than me.  I remember my mom humming to Christmas music on the radio.  I remember my dad sipping his black coffee.  I can still see my brother picking me up out of nowhere and flipping me over his head onto his back, laughing.  It is my favorite Christmas memory from when I was little.

1989:  I was 6 years old.  This is the year where I sneakily climbed out of bed when it was still dark outside and very carefully unwrapped a present I’d had my eye on for weeks.  I’d shaken it.  I’d spun it around in my hands, feeling for bumps and lumps.  I was mystified by its odd shape.  When I opened it, as everyone else was still asleep, I was  thoroughly disappointed.  It was just a jacket that my mom had stuffed into a random box to tease me.  My goodness, my mom was so mad at me that Christmas morning!  She couldn’t believe I’d wake up and unwrap a present without everyone else.  Eventually she laughed about it.

1990:  I was 7 years old.  It was the last Christmas I’d have with my mom, but we didn’t know that yet.  We were all so happy because my sister had brought my baby niece with her to our house.  This was the year that my brother bought me a training bra.  He folded it into a little square and wrapped it in about 15 different types of wrapping paper.  I was mortified when I opened it!  I nearly cried.  I remember everyone else laughing hysterically.  Back then, it was a reason to pout.  Today, it’s a reason to smile.

1994:  I was eleven years old.  This was the year that my stepsister and I ruined our Christmas, albeit accidentally.  We had a crawl space in our house and we used it as a secret hiding place.  We never told our parents, which was unfortunate, because this particular year they used the crawl space to hide our big presents from “Santa” — barbie doll houses.  One for each of us.  This was the year that I realized that Santa wasn’t real.  This was the year where we had to pretend to be surprised on Christmas morning.  Years later, my dad and stepmom said they knew that we knew.  They just didn’t want to spoil the moment by bringing it up.

1999:  I was 16.  Our beloved family dog, Rascal, a sweet female black lab, was really sick.  She laid under the tree all Christmas day and wouldn’t eat.  This was very much unlike her.  She normally would nose around the presents and try to sit in your lap as you opened them.  We always got her a stocking of her own with bones and chew toys in it.  That year, she didn’t want to play with her goodies.  She just laid under the tree.  The next day, upon taking her to the vet, we had our hearts broken.  Her kidneys were failing.  Our beloved Rascal passed away on December 27, 1999.  My dad and I were inconsolable.  I still think of her often.

2003:  I was 20 years old, off on break from my junior year of college.  B had moved in with a friend of mine to an apartment.  We’d all known each other forever, so we spent that Christmas having our own official “first Christmas tree as independent adults” (haha) and buying gifts for each other.  Since we all had to go home and be with our families on Christmas day, we decided to wake up on Christmas Eve and have our Christmas with each other.  As we made breakfast and tried to wake up from peaceful sleep, my friend M opened up the blinds.  Our neighbors across the way stared at us through their sliding glass door, looking confused as to why we were opening up presents on Christmas Eve morning.  We laughed, figuring that they must be thinking “Those dumb kids.  They party so much that they probably think it’s Christmas day today!”  This was also the year that B bought me my first diamond — a diamond pendant.

2006:  Just last year, at 23, life was quickly settling down.  B and I celebrated our first Christmas in our house that we bought.  We had our tree, our dogs, our cats, and we started our own traditions.  Chinese food on Christmas Eve.  Cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning.  New Christmas pajamas.  We watched Christmas movies in the morning before we made the trek out to his brother’s house, where we watched his nephews open up their presents.

This year will be very different.  This year some things will stay the same.  There will still be chinese food on Christmas Eve.  There will still be cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning.  The dogs will still whimper to go out at 7 AM.  We’ll probably take them out, but then get back into bed for a while.  B will open up the few gifts I bought for him.  Money was tight this year, and I couldn’t afford much.  I will open up the few things that B got me, knowing that all of his money was spent going towards my engagement ring.  It will be quiet.  There will be no rush to shower, dress, and leave.  His dad is out of town and his brother moved to Maryland.  We will not see any children open up gifts this year.  When it’s all over, as we sit in the quiet, totally comfortable next to each other, I’ll think of my mom and dad and my eyes will get misty.  B will think of his mom.  We’ll hug.  We’ll kiss.  We’ll sit on the couch with the dogs at our feet and in our lap, and we’ll snuggle while we watch Christmas movies all day in our Christmas pajamas.

It will be our last Christmas as boyfriend and girlfriend.  Next year we’ll be engaged, planning a wedding. 

There are many more Christmases in our future to look forward to.  But the ones of the past will stay with us.

…and that is pretty fucking cool!

Scene:  Living room.  A Christmas tree is being decorated with lights and ornaments and ribbon.  Christmas music plays in the background.  The dogs are tearing the stuffing out of two toys.  Other than the music and the dogs, it’s relatively quiet.

__________

Me:  B, can you untangle those lights over there in that pile?  Plug them in and make sure they still light up.

B:  Sure.

He plugs them in to check them out, strand by strand, until all lights are accounted for.

B:  Hahahahahahaha.  Oh my god.  Hahahahahahaha.

Me:  What is so funny over there?  Haha.  Hahahahaha.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.

B:  I don’t know!  I just realized that I’m really, really happy and it’s a great feeling.

Me:  So you laughed?  You are so weird!

While we’re walking circles around the tree stringing on the lights, he stops to hug me.

B:  I’m not weird.  I just realized that this will be my last Christmas with you as my girlfriend.  Soon you’re going to be my fiance.  And that is pretty fucking cool.

Me:  Awww…I love you.  It is pretty fucking cool, isn’t it?

______________

Just about an hour later, after we’d finished the tree and had dinner, we sat on the couch together watching tv and staring at the Christmas lights.  It was then that I realized that life was perfect, right in that moment.  And that everything really was going to be okay.