Monday night, revisited

Scene:  Living room, evening.  The sun has still not set, but all evidence points to the day winding down.  A girl and boy sit, engrossed with each other, legs wrapped up together on the couch, lazily watching television.

**ring ring**

“Ugh.  Could you hand me that, babe?  What time is it?” I ask B.

“7:59.  It’s some random number.  I don’t recognize it.”  He hands me the phone.

“Hmm…I’m not sure.”  Against my better judgment, I answer the phone.  “Hello?”

“Hi, CP.  I’m sorry to bother you at home, but I can’t get this document to print correctly!  It keeps printing garbled information on the side of the page.”  It’s my boss, calling to ruin my otherwise calm night.

Seriously?  It’s 8:00.  This isn’t exactly what I would refer to as an “emergency.”  My blood begins to course quickly through my veins, spurned on by a heart pumping faster and faster due to anger.

I try to trouble-shoot for my boss.  I don’t know what the problem is.  It was fine on my computer earlier in the day.  As in, you know, when I was actually at work.  As in, not at home, ON MY FREE TIME. 

Nothing works.  I try to stay calm, keeping my voice in even tones, and attempting to find a solution that makes us both happy (Her:  getting the problem solved as quickly as possible.  Me:  getting off the damn phone.)  After I offer up my suggestion (”I will try to get this fixed as soon as possible, first thing in the morning.”) she proceeds to yell at me over the phone.  I can hear her getting angrier and angrier, more stressed out by the second. 

“CP, in an ideal world, you would have discovered this problem earlier today.  You would have fixed it!  I wouldn’t be sitting here at 8:00 at night trying to fix it myself for the next hour!”

It was right at that moment that something inside me snapped.  Internally, I was all: In an ideal world, I wouldn’t work for such a heartless, cruel person.  In an ideal world, my boss wouldn’t call me at home at 8:00 at night over something that can easily be fixed the next morning.  In an ideal world, I’d be making more money than I am.  In an ideal world, I’d weigh 115 pounds for pete’s sake!!!!!!!!!!!

I managed to maintain my calm demeanor.  I assured her I’d get it fixed.  She hung up.  I hung up.  Then I exploded into tears.

The aftermath:  Upon arriving at work yesterday, I discovered that there was an internal error within the document itself, originating with the person who created it.  This person works in the legal department and was able to get me a fixed copy well ahead of her scheduled meeting.  The customer was not even aware that there was a problem.  He wrote me back and thanked me for getting him the contract, and included a friggin’ smiley face!  You’d have thought the world was going to come crashing down, judging from the way she reacted.

This is not the first time she’s treated me like a complete idiot.  And I’m sure it won’t be the last.  No job is worth the tears.

Tighten up, slacker

All day today I’ve stared at my computer screen, then at the paltry list of things to be accomplished by 4:30 today, when I will leave to begin a very anticipated, refreshing weekend.  I’ve twiddled my thumbs, sighed about a hundred times, and stared at my shoes.  I’ve picked at my cuticles, filed my nails, and examined my pores in the mirror of my compact.  Then I thought to myself, you’d probably pass a lot more time if you sat down and typed out an entry on WordPress.  It’s just lately, for some reason, I feel as though I’ve got nothing worth saying writing. 

It’s not that things are great and without conflict.  There’s always a little bit of conflict.  I could tell you about the the tension, the nightmares, the unfortunate set of circumstances that made this week one hell of a bad week for B, but I don’t want to dwell on the past.  After all, it’s over, so what’s the point in rehashing it out again?  I could tell you about the frustration I’ve experienced with my job, but where does that get me?  I could tell you about my total impatience regarding becoming engaged, but no no no, none of these things will suffice.  Instead, I just need to tell myself “tighten up, slacker.”  So that’s what I’m going to do.

The past few weeks (oh, who the hell am I kidding?  The past MONTH) has been a whirlwind of emotions.  I’ve experienced everything from anger to sadness to total loss.  I’ve been way, way up, and so, so low.  I’ve felt excited, accomplished, and hopeful.  But I’ve also felt alone, stifled, and pessimistic.  But it’s all over now. 

To sum up my trip to NYC, I must say — forgive me for not posting a review and pictures as I promised.  I’m still staring at my photos wondering what exactly I can crop out that will still give you a sense of who I am and what I look like without totally forgoing my anonymity.  Anyone have any suggestions?  Also, the trip was fantastic.  I saw a performance of Wicked, which was just simply amazing, and dare I say it, life changing.  I breathed in the sights, smells, and experiences of the city, and decided that if I were to pick one city in the world I’d live in, it would be New York City for sure.  I hailed my first cab; nearly died on a fast-paced, dangerous shuttle ride complete with a nightmare driver; was disgusted by the Subway, but also strangely fascinated by its users; saw the Empire State Building; walked the streets of Manhattan while staring straight at the sky like a total tourist.  In short, I did all I could do in four days, and when I came home, I’d never experienced such pains in my legs and hips from all that walking!  I took a tour of the city and breathed it all in, and at the risk of sounding really corny, I felt more alive there than I’ve ever felt in any other place I’ve ever been.  I just, well, loved it.  For everything it was.

This weekend I’m looking forward to hanging out with my girlfriends, seeing Sex and the City tonight (SQUEE!), having a girls night out, and catching some sun.  I can’t wait for the Country Fest concert at the Richmond Raceway complex so I can listen to B’s favorite music and snuggle in his arms.  I’m not exactly a “country girl”, but I can appreciate country music.  I also have a short list of things house-related I’d like to get done, but I’m not going to pressure myself into doing them, because life?  

It’s what happens when you’re too busy making other plans.

I just need to remember to breathe, smile, and be patient.  Good things are coming, and I just need to live every second for what it’s worth. 

Sick.

!@#$!  That about sums up how I am feeling today.  Pissed off, emotional, sick.  Sore throat, painful ears, body aches.  I’m so fucking tired of being sick I could just scream.  I’m stressed out (over my job).  I’m irritated (with myself).  I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and fucking hibernate.  I want the whole world to go away, leave me the hell alone for 5 minutes, and just let me get better.

At 7:30 this morning, I laid on my bed, face done up with makeup, hair dripping wet.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, just not feeling well.  I tried to call B.  Once.  Twice.  Three times.  No answer.  I debated calling out of work, but the thought of having to deal with hearing my boss’s exasperation was too much to bear.  I’ve called out sick one time, and she was so audibly annoyed with me that I started to feel terribly guilty.  Then I remembered — wait a second, you’re fucking sick.  She’s just going to have to get over it.  However, this morning I dragged my tired, sore ass out of bed and finished getting ready.  I tried to call B on my way to work again.  No answer.

Why the fuck couldn’t he just pick up the phone?  I just needed to hear his voice, to hear him say “I’m sorry you feel sick, baby.”  I know he’s probably busy, but it’s annoying.  I think I’m more annoyed at the fact that I’m sitting at my desk because I’m too scared of calling out sick to my boss.  Maybe I’m just annoyed with myself.

This blog entry sucks.  My blog sucks lately.  Everything sucks. 

(In)ettiquette?

Let’s say hypothetically I’d been working at my job for 6 months, and I just got a raise.  Let’s say hypothetically I work for a rather large company where things like raises have to go through multiple chains of command, all the way from my boss to her boss to her boss to her boss, and so on and so forth.  Let’s say hypothetically my boss discussed my evaluation and raise with me in the middle of February, never indicating what it would amount to, and I’ve been waiting around for news of this raise since then.  Let’s say hypothetically that I took a look at my most recent pay-stub and determined that said raise was finally approved.  Let’s say hypothetically that said raise amounted to an increase of 2% over my previous salary.  Let’s say that hypothetically I was told the reason the raise was the amount it was is because I’ve only been here for 6 months. 

Is it safe to assume that hypothetically a “normal/regular” raise for this company would be 4%? 

Hypothetically, is it bad that I didn’t sound too enthusiastic when my boss called me to inform me of said reasons, even though YES OKAY IT’S AN INCREASE IN MONEY, but hello, the amount it comes to after federal and state taxes, social security, and FICA take their chunk, makes it mere dollars?!  Plus, let’s say that hypothetically I’ve been kind of shafted from the get-go, since my job duties were very much under-represented in my interview process and I’ve been responsible for much more work than they had initially suggested.

Have I shown bad ettiquette, ya know, HYPOTHETICALLY?!

Ugh.

WTF Wednesday: Grump Edition

Fuck motherfucking fuck.  How in the hell is it only Wednesday?  I feel like my weeks are becoming endless cycles of sleep, eat, work, shower, etc.  In honor of WTF Wednesday (started last week, duh), here is a list of things that are currently pissing me off / annoying me to no end.

1.  My boss.  I guess I’m supposed to have telepathic (right word?) abilities and be able to read her fucking mind. Well guess what?  That’s not a crystal ball on my desk, you see.  It’s just a damn computer.

2.  B and I went grocery shopping last night for a few minor things.  Since it was getting late, we decided to just grab something from there for dinner, so I wouldn’t have to cook once we got home.  Only, wtf am I supposed to eat?  Seriously, everything that he suggested was totally off-limits, or loaded up with saturated and/or trans fats.  Plus, all I really could keep staring at was a simple carton of Nesquick, my favorite thing ever in the whole entire world, hands down.  That shit has 30 grams of sugar in it per serving, and I’m sorry, but I’ve already lost 14 pounds and I’m not going back to being a fucking fat ass ever.again.

3.  Lately, every time my friends email or call me, it’s all about them.  Their latest crisis, their latest decision, their latest fight with their significant other.  Not one of them has asked me how I am, or how my life is, or what I’ve been up to.  Two nights ago when a friend called me, I just sat there quietly listening to her talk, barely speaking myself.  After we got off the phone, B asked me who I was talking to, and said “you hardly said a word.”  Yeah, no kidding.

I don’t know.  I guess it’s just one of those days.  It’s not that I hate my job, or that I’m unhappy with my friendships.  It’s none of those things.  I’m just in a funk and being a brat.  But at least I can admit it.

What is bugging you guys today?

List-y

Apologies, apologies.  I have been mighty worthless these last few days.  Sorry for not blogging, but sometimes life catches up with you.  My brain is a jumble of mixed-up thoughts and slow processes this morning.  Yesterday was a holiday for me, so I wasn’t at work.  And I’m afraid that all you’re going to get out of me today is a list.

1.  I haven’t had any alcohol to drink in 18 days.  Result?  My brain is a lot clearer, and I feel better.  It’s not that I’m never going to drink again, but I decided to lay off the booze for a while and purge my body of the bad things I’d been putting into it, such as fried foods, too much chocolate and sweets, and alcohol.  I have a feeling that has a lot to do with the 13 pound weight loss I’ve experienced.

2.  This Saturday my friends and I are getting together for girl time!  I’m so excited about this.  We’re doing it up old school — pajamas, facial masks, pretty nails, the whole nine yards.  Add to that some fabulous take-out (which I am so looking forward to!) and some wine, and you have one hell of a recipe for success.

3.  I miss my BFF.

4.  I saw my friend out this weekend (the one I posted about here).  We managed to have small talk and a little bit of conversation, but really, it’s just kind of awkward.  We seem to have less and less in common.  I’m not sad really, just realizing that this is a part of life.  But I have to wonder, does she even notice it at all?

5.  Can I just please shout from the rooftops how much I love B?!  It’s so hard to believe how EASY it is for us to be around each other, accomplish things, and spend time together.  It didn’t used to be so easy.  I guess when you find your stride, the journey becomes a lot more enjoyable.

6.  I was bugging B about my ring this weekend.  I’m terribly impatient.  The sales guy had told him that it would be ready around the middle of February.  He indicated that I might be lucky enough to have him give it to me before the end of next month!  Then I can share this wonderful secret with my family and friends that I’ve had to keep to myself!  I will officially be an engaged woman just after my 25th birthday!  YES!

7.  I actually cleaned my house yesterday.  SHOCKER!  I did this on my holiday.  HOLIDAY being the operative word.  We’re talking dusting and vacuuming and scrubbing floors with.my.bare.hands.  I was exhausted by the time B got home from work.

8.  I just finished the book My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.  You must check it out.

9.  I’m looking forward to my birthday.  I will be 25 and I can’t even believe.  A quarter of a century.  I’ve already had my quarter-life-crisis.  Perhaps I’ll blog about that some other time.  But no, I’m looking forward to a nice dinner with only my closest friends, and a gigantic dessert.  I think by that time, I will have definitely earned a little bit of indulgence.

I’m so pathetic I can’t even come up with 10 things. 

For those of you who had yesterday off, tell me:  How did you spend your holiday?

Zapped

Yesterday:

6:45 a.m.:  Turn off alarm, drag sick, sore self out of bed and to shower.

7:01 a.m.:  Exit shower.  Stare at self in mirror.  Note the bags under my eyes.  Note the general “sick” appearance.

7:02 a.m.:  Begin applying makeup.

7:05 a.m.:  Note that no amount of makeup could possibly make me look healthy on this morning.

7:06 a.m.:  Get dizzy.  Sit down on the edge of tub.

7:10 a.m.:  Debate calling in sick.  Call B for advice.

7:11 a.m.:  No answer.  Hang up.

7:12 a.m.:  Attempt to dry hair.

7:15 a.m.:  Get dizzy again.  Repeat sitting on edge of tub.

7:20 a.m.:  Sit down to call boss.  Get nervous.  Will she be mad?

7:21 a.m.:  Boss sounds exasperated.  Boss mentions that she knows I’ve been sick since the weekend, but that she is hitting panic mode over a meeting coming up.

7:22 a.m.:  Think to myself, “That meeting is 12 days away.“  Ugh.

7:23 a.m.:  Hang up.  Grab pillows and blankets and puppy and head for the couch.  Turn on t.v.  Fall asleep.

Yesterday was filled with nothing but medicine, sleep, lots of fluids, and wonderful, glorious TV.  I forgot how great it is to be at home sick, even when you are, ya know…SICK. 

Today I am filled with dread.  Today is the day we will find out if our family needs to be genuinely scared and worried for the fate of my sister.  Today is the day that will show us whether or not she has breast cancer.  My sister is only 35 years old.  Seems too young for cancer, most would agree, but for us, this is not totally out of the blue.  Our mother died from breast cancer at the age of 54.  One of our aunts died from it.  It is something we have to be worried about.  The last week has been filled with a new type of anxiety that I’ve never experienced before.  I say that it is new because it’s the kind of anxiety where you are scared but know that there is absolutely nothing you can do besides hope and pray.

How do you pray when you are so angry with God?

All I can pray is “God please leave my sister alone.  Haven’t we all been through enough?”

The one where I have nothing interesting to say

My brain is positively muddled.  I had another three day weekend, thanks to the fact that I got sick on Saturday.  Out of nowhere, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Head and chest congestion, sneezing, sniffling, coughing.  I was the poster child for Nyquil.  Worthless, I tell ya.  I got nothing done this weekend except a lot of snuggling with B and grocery shopping.

Oh wait, so I bet you’re wondering how my make-up dinner went with B on Friday, huh?  Well, it was great.  Really, all it amounted to was when I walked in the door from work on Friday, he hugged me and was all smiles and chatty.  He talked my head off for the first 20 minutes about lots of things, but not about our fight.  Once we got to the restaurant, we sat at the bar and had a glass of wine.  When I tried to find the right moment to bring up the fight, I started fidgeting with my hair, which I always do when I get nervous.  He grabbed my hand and said, “We don’t need to discuss it because it was all a misunderstanding and we’re both sorry.  So let’s just leave it at that and have a nice weekend.”  

Well put, don’t you think?  Hard to argue with that.  

So we had dinner and we laughed and we told each other about our day.  Then we met up with a few friends for a couple more drinks and headed home.  Then I got sick, and the rest, as they say, is history.  I spent the majority of two days on the couch in my PJs, watching more of Dawson’s Creek (yes!  yes!) and catching up on my tivo.  

Since I have nothing else to offer the world today, I’m resorting to a meme. 

Four jobs I have had in my life:

(1) Babysitter - “DAD!  You’ve GOT TO COME OVER HERE NOW.  These brats are climbing on the furniture and tackling each other.  They’re gonna break an arm.  Or a leg.  OR A NECK!  DAD, help!”  My dad had to come and rescue me from these types of situations quite often.  Luckily the kids I watched only lived a few streets over and my dad’s booming voice scared the brats into submission! (2) Lifeguard - seriously, I had the BEST tan.  (3) Retail - all teenage girls think it will be awesome.  Discounts?!  YES!  Yeah, not so much… (4) My current job, which I can’t tell you about but wish I could because it is oh so awesome.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

(1) Dirty Dancing - I used to want to BE Baby.  (2) My Best Friend’s Wedding - reminds me of my middle school boyfriend.  (3) The Wizard of Oz - my favorite movie in the entire world, hands down.  (4) Mean Girls - I love Lindsay Lohan, even if she is a cracked out coke head.  I don’t know what’s up with the unhealthy obsession, but whatever.

Four TV shows I like to watch:

(1) Nip/Tuck - seriously, best show on television…you need to watch it! (2) Desperate Housewives - even B loves it.  (3) Grey’s Anatomy - I live vicariously through those kids and their drama. (4) The Colbert Report - he cracks me the eff up.
 
Four places I have vacationed:

(1) Virginia Beach - it’s close by.  (2) Nags Head, NC - the site of many a family vacation.  (3) Disney World - I was not a happy child at the Happiest Place on Earth.  I was 14 and I hated everything about life back then…  haha.  (4) California - Hollywood, Malibu, Laguna Beach.  The best vacation I’ve ever taken.

Four of my favorite dishes:

(1) The gulf shrimp and sea scallops in Pan Asian sauce from Bonefish.  (2) Any kind of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory.  (3) Homemade mac n cheese.  (4) My dad’s fried chicken - oh how I miss it.
 
Four websites I visit daily:

(1) GMail - both my personal and blog account.  (2) WordPress and my blog roll.  (3) MSNBC.  (4) People.com - gotta get my fill of celeb gossip!

Four places I would rather be:

(1) Asleep with the heavely aid of Nyquil to knock me out cold.  (2) Anywhere with B.  (3) The Beach…somewhere tropical and warm with white sand and clear waters.  (4) Shopping for shoes.  Seriously, are you surprised?

Four bloggers I am tagging:
Anyone who is as bored or muddled as I am today.  My brain is fresh out of things to say.

Is it Friday yet?

Indentured servitude?

14  - emails received before lunch

17 - phone calls

28 - instant messages

1 - sighting of my boss this week

I love my job.  I really do.  For once in my life, it’s good.  I am proud to work where I work; proud of who I work for.  But lately, I’m just annoyed every time my computer makes any sort of “ping” or “bloop” sound, because it usually means I have yet another email or instant message from my boss.  And every time the phone rings, I’m scared to look at it and find out that it’s my line, signaling an incoming call from my boss. 

Let’s get this straight:  I like my boss.  She’s a very nice, hardworking lady.  But she’s kinda spastic and forgetful, which results in numerous phone calls about the same issue.  As soon as she hangs up, she remembers another detail that I just have.to.know.

It’s enough to drive anyone crazy.

Lately, it’s resulted in me turning off my cell phone as soon as I get home because IF I HAVE TO HEAR A PHONE, THE PHONE, ANY FUCKING PHONE RING ONE MORE TIME, I MIGHT KILL MYSELF.

Usually I can just grin and bear it.  But lately?  Lately, I’ve been losing my temper a little bit.  Granted, not in front of her or anyone else at work, but several times this week I’ve needed to excuse myself from my office and go to the bathroom or take a walk around the building to cool off. 

I don’t mind if she really needs me to do something, like say “CP, would you mind faxing over this contract to X,Y,Z for me?”  or “I’m away from my computer, so can you please read something to me over the phone from this document so I can pass along the information?”  No, those things I don’t mind.  The following example is of something that I really really really DO mind:

“CP, I need to locate the file named [redacted].  Can you please send it to me in an email because I don’t have the time right now to look for it.”

“Sure, no problem,” I reply.  I had found the document and emailed it to her within 30 seconds.

Approximately 30 seconds later…

“CP, I need to locate the clause on payment.  Could you tell me where it is, by indicating which section?”

I quickly scanned the documents, located the clauses and indicated them to her.  This was all via instant messaging.

10 seconds later…

“I’m really in need of the exact wording and this document won’t let me copy and paste what I need.”

“I know,” I explain, “it’s a read-only file.  It won’t let you change anything, so copy and paste is not a workable function.”

“Oh.  Well, then would you mind typing out the clauses for me in a Word document, attaching it to an email and sending it to me?”

This is where I kind of started to go a little crazy.  I found you the document.  I emailed it to you.  I pointed out the clause.  Now you want me to go in and type out the text of the clauses you need and email them to you?  Just so you can copy and paste them?  ARGHHHHHHHHHH.

“Sure, not a problem,” is what I replied.

“OMG, fuck the clauses!!!!!,” is what I was thinking.

Seriously, there’s a fine line between needing an assistant, and needing a slave.

Word Vomit = Bad.

Sometimes I do know how to keep my mouth shut.  It’s not very often, but it does happen.  Like in the following circumstances:

1.  One particular coworker of mine passes by my desk probably 10 times a day.  She never says hi.  Today we both met at the entry door at the same time and she “huffed” and pushed her way through first. 

What I was thinking: Seriously?  You have the world’s largest stick up your ass.

What I said: “Oh, excuse me.  How are you?”

Yeah, she never responded either.

2.  Earlier, another of my coworkers approached my desk and said “Now, I’m certainly not suggesting that you do this, but the woman here before you used to wash the dishes in the kitchen sink.  And occasionally she’d send out emails letting people know it was time to clean out the fridge.  That thing is kind of gross back there!”

What I was thinking: Last time I checked, “maid” was not in my job description.  Seriously, all of you are older than me.  I have to remind you to wash your dishes and dump out your old food?  This is the perfect way to get on my bad side!

What I said:  “Well, that’s funny, because I think everyone is more than capable of cleaning up after themselves.  But I’ll be glad to send out a reminder email to everyone.”

Ugh…

3.  Yesterday on my way to work, I called B.  This is a usual occurrence…we talk on our ways to work.  He picked up the phone and seemed completely exasperated.  He snapped at me and said he was “BUSY!” and would need to call me back later.  Then he hung up abruptly before I could respond.

What I was thinking: Who pissed in your cheerios this morning, buddy?   That was totally uncalled for.

What I said: Later, after I let him cool off, I called him back and said “You okay baby?  You seemed agitated this morning.”

He apologized and said he was sorry for snapping at me.  That it was a rough morning and he didn’t mean to take it out on me.  Sometimes it’s easier to just let things go.

4.  A friend of mine is going through a make-it or break-it situation with her boyfriend of 3 years.  He treats her like crap and totally takes advantage of her and I’m sick of it.  Today she starts to tell me about how he sat on his butt last night in front of the television while she cooked dinner, cleaned up all the dishes, washed his clothes for him.  This is normal for those two.  He doesn’t have the “team” mentality.

What I was thinking:  Seriously, open up your eyes!  He’s never going to change!  He’s a huge piece of shit and he lies to you and he isn’t admirable or honest or hardworking!  He’s a pig!  He has totally used you for years!  Because you’re too nice to stop doing things for him!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I said:  “And you’re surprised?  I really think you should stop doing so many things for him and start taking care of yourself.  His attitude sucks.”

I keep praying she sees the light.

5.  Yesterday while I was on the phone with my sister, she started her usual antics of driving me crazy.  I casually mentioned that the weather might not be ideal this weekend for our plans because someone had told me we might get snow.  She proceeds to check every single weather web site for evidence, all the while interrupting every chance I made to change the topic.  I just mentioned it casually for fuck’s sake.  I didn’t want it to start a 30 minute conversation about the weather possibilities.

What I was thinking:  OMG, you’re doing it again.  You’re driving me fucking crazy.  Do you even hear anything I say?  No, you probably don’t because you’re too busy talking OVER ME.  Lalalala I could sit here and not say anything for 20 minutes and you probably wouldn’t notice because you’re too busy yacking away over there and interrupting every sentence I start!  WANT.TO.HANG.UP.PHONE….NOW!

What I said:  “S, okay!  I get it.  There is no evidence of snow in the forecast.  It’s something I heard!”

She responded with “What is your problem?  Bad mood today?”  No, but sometimes you make me want to claw my own eyeballs out.

I have nothing but love for these people, but sometimes they really test my patience.  AND the imaginary zipper over my mouth that I visualize when I want to avoid a tough situation. 

I have no problem with confrontation, but sometimes life is just easier if you suck it up.