Monumental pain in the ass

B and I had a fight last night.

Looking back now, most of it seems ridiculous.  But you know how sometimes when you’re having a bad day and you’re tired, you want nothing more than to stand firm in your belief that you are RIGHT and the other person is WRONG, sohelpmeGod?!  That was us last night.

Sometimes you just need to take a step back and chill out.

Once he’d gotten home from work, and we had already spent the previous 20 minutes on the phone fighting with each other, it just kept going.  I made a monumental mistake right from the beginning.  Upon seeing me, he came over to hug me.  Angry, I didn’t hug him back, but instead I walked away.  I should have wrapped my arms around him, apologized, and talked calmly.  Instead, I had to be a stubborn asshole and act like a pouting child.

It lasted an hour and a half.  Ninety minutes of hurt feelings, tears, and lots of used tissues.  What it all boils down to is I was having a hard day.  I’d been to the dentist to have some work done, and as my shot of anesthetic wore off, pain came flooding in.  The pain in my jaw led to a massive headache, which no amount of Advil or Ibuprofen could cure.  The headache turned into an upset stomach.  I had received a bit of bad news from my family that I still am not ready to discuss.  All I wanted, all I needed, was B.

I tried calling him a few times during the day, but got no answer.  This isn’t unusual.  He gets really busy at work sometimes.  I tried calling him when I left work, but still got no answer.  He didn’t call me until 7:45, and by that point, I was a big, blubbering mess of stress and I was angry.  He had been with some friends after work, and had lost track of time.  He didn’t realize what time it was, and by the time he went to check, he realized he needed to get home.

Upon calling me, I told him about the news I received from my family.  This made him feel terrible, because as he was with his friends, I was alone trying to process the information.  He apologized and I could tell he felt like crap, but I was angry and there was nothing that was going to change my mind except maybe some time and space.

He yelled.  Then I yelled.  Then I cried.  This went on for 90 full minutes.  Finally, he was trying to explain something, reason with me, and he flubbed up his sentence.  We both started laughing.  Eventually, we just snuggled and called it a night.

But I tossed and turned until 3 this morning.  Seriously, now I understand why I used to have a problem with insomnia.  No matter what I did, I couldn’t turn my brain OFF.  The headache and the nausea weren’t helping at all either.  I just laid there frustrated, and still a little bit hurt.  I laid on my right side.  I laid on my left side.  I laid on my back and then on my stomach.  I put my head on B’s chest.  Nothing was working.  Finally I just closed my eyes and prayed, “God, please let this latest piece of news be nothing more than a mistake. Please leave my family alone.  Please give me the strength to stop being a brat.”  Then I rolled over, kissed B on his cheek as he slept soundly, and whispered in his ear, “Please don’t give up on me.”

We all have our moments.  I certainly had one last night.  This morning we were both tired, but okay.  We kissed and hugged and said our goodbyes. 

He said we could go to dinner tonight to catch up, to discuss what happened last night and forgive.

Hopefully this time I won’t blow it.