Sick.

!@#$!  That about sums up how I am feeling today.  Pissed off, emotional, sick.  Sore throat, painful ears, body aches.  I’m so fucking tired of being sick I could just scream.  I’m stressed out (over my job).  I’m irritated (with myself).  I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and fucking hibernate.  I want the whole world to go away, leave me the hell alone for 5 minutes, and just let me get better.

At 7:30 this morning, I laid on my bed, face done up with makeup, hair dripping wet.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, just not feeling well.  I tried to call B.  Once.  Twice.  Three times.  No answer.  I debated calling out of work, but the thought of having to deal with hearing my boss’s exasperation was too much to bear.  I’ve called out sick one time, and she was so audibly annoyed with me that I started to feel terribly guilty.  Then I remembered — wait a second, you’re fucking sick.  She’s just going to have to get over it.  However, this morning I dragged my tired, sore ass out of bed and finished getting ready.  I tried to call B on my way to work again.  No answer.

Why the fuck couldn’t he just pick up the phone?  I just needed to hear his voice, to hear him say “I’m sorry you feel sick, baby.”  I know he’s probably busy, but it’s annoying.  I think I’m more annoyed at the fact that I’m sitting at my desk because I’m too scared of calling out sick to my boss.  Maybe I’m just annoyed with myself.

This blog entry sucks.  My blog sucks lately.  Everything sucks. 

6:30 a.m.

It is early morning, the sky is dark and heavy.  I drag myself out of bed and to the front door to let my pup outside.  I watch her scamper through the leaves, sniffing to find the perfect spot to relieve herself.  I turn to see B standing behind me, smiling.  Just as I open the door to let the pup back in, he wraps his arms around me and kisses my ear, whispers “I love you” and heads off to work.

Begrudgingly, I head for the bathroom where my morning ritual commences.  I’ve been feeling particularly hard on myself these past few days.  Unsure.  Not confident.  Angry for no reason. 

In my mirror I see…dark circles under lidded green eyes.  B says my eyes sparkle when the light hits them just right.  …remnants of a days worth of mascara, clinging to my too-short lashes.  Too tired to wash off my make up last night.  …crazy bed head, flyaways poking out from every direction.  …perfectly straight teeth, thanks to 18 months of braces.  …a new pimple, sprouting up on my chin.  I am a teenager all over again.

Undressing, I glance at the newcomer to my bathroom.  A scale.  What used to be something I avoided with a passion, I have lately embraced.  Naked, I step onto the scale, shut my eyes and take a deep breath.  Looking down at the numbers, I smile.  The weight is coming off.

Stepping into the shower, I embrace the steam and the chance to clear my mind.  In my head, I go over the day before.  Work.  Doctor.  Good news from my sister.  Driving home.  The phone calls and text messages I avoided to have a minute to myself.  Feeling bad, I make a mental note to get back to everyone this evening. 

Staring down at my body, I know I have a lot to learn.  How to accept myself.  How to love myself.  How to take better care of myself.  But I’m proud — because I’ve started.  It took me all the way to 24 years old to finally get it.  I’m not perfect.  I will never be a size 2.  My hair will always be this weird shade — not blonde, but not quite brown.  My teeth will never be celebrity-white.  My nose will never resemble the perfect complement of slope and angle.  But this is me. 

There is only one me, and I have to make the most of her.

I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt.  I am a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a friendly ear.  I am a girlfriend, a best friend, a hero.  I am a college graduate, an honors graduate, a first generation graduate.  I am a dreamer, a believer, a wisher. 

My life is a rollercoaster, a heartbreak, a whirlwind.  My life is a success, a surprise, an achievement. 

My life is mine.  There is only one life I have to live.  And I will make the most out of it.