Snapshot

We laid there, on the couch — him on top of me, head resting on my chest.  I ran my fingers through his hair, then suddenly I just had to ask him a question.

“Can I ask you a rather offbeat question?”

“Sure.  Have at it,” B offered.

“When we’re laying here like this, with your head on my chest, what does this feel like to you?”

“You mean, you want me to put a feeling to it?” he asked.

“Well, yeah.  Like — how do I phrase this? — how does this make you feel?  Because for me, it makes me feel as though no matter what else is going on in my world right now, with me in your arms, I feel protected.  Like there’s this big, strong guy who won’t let anything hurt me,” I offered.

“I see.  Well, for me, it’s actually kind of the complete opposite.  This makes me feel like I don’t have to be this big, strong guy.  Like I can let my guard down and just relax.  Because you’re here with me.”

I practically melted. 

“Awww, I like that.  But I love you even more.”

This engagement/marriage business?  It’s all smooth sailing from here, folks.

Weeeeee!

Obnoxious post title, but that’s kind of how I feel at the moment.  Plus, it’s quite the change from the tone of my last post, wherein, I was a sick and whiny bitch, no? 

There’s no particular reason for the total change of mindset.  This weekend saw nothing fantastic happen.  B and I got a lot of rest, did some housecleaning, ran a lot of errands, and accomplished some major grocery and essentials shopping.  We were out of EVERYTHING — right down to body wash, deodorant, trash bags, and kitty litter.  It was one of THOSE trips.  It took 4 hours to get it all done.  Yikes.  Our bank account is currently cussing us out.  We had dinner with some friends on Saturday night, and laid around being lazy yesterday.  But for some reason, I feel as though the wheels are turning, and good things are on their way. 

Okay so can I just divulge some of the latest details about my engagement ring?  Well, faithful freaders will recall that it’s been about four months since we picked out and ordered my setting.  It’s been a loooooong four months my friends!  The ring took forever to arrive to the store, about 10 weeks, due to them being overly-busy (holiday season and such), and the fact that it had to be completely manufactured and sized appropriately.  From there, B had the monumental task of picking out a diamond for the setting.  That was about a month ago.  It’s been taking a while because the ring is kind of expensive (okay, pretty damn expensive — more expensive than we were anticipating), and B had to save up money for it.  It’s just about paid for!  I have no idea what the diamond looks like, or when it’s going to be ready.  I hope very soon, because I cannot wait.  I’m the world’s most impatient person and these kinds of things are hard to keep quiet, but I’ve been doing my best. ;)  It may end up being a while because I know B wants to surprise me with it, by asking me when I least expect it.  Just keep your fingers crossed that it will be soon and all will be well!

I’m just so happy today I could squeal!  The sky is blue, the bills are paid, and everything is going well.  It hasn’t always been easy, and I know it won’t always be easy, but I have a lot of good things to look forward to.  Like my trip to NYC, which is next month! 

Thank you all so, so much for your kind comments and emails on my last post.  What did I ever do without you guys, seriously?!

If I could…

…I’d pull away all the disappointment he’s felt over his lifetime and replace it with feelings of accomplishment.  I’d show him that there is hope for our children to not have a childhood like the ones we had.  I’d erase from his memory reminders of neglect, embarrassment, and being overlooked.  I’d heal his past.

It makes me angry when we get a stark reminder of just how unfair B’s life has been.  It’s never been easy for him.  His birth mother, having sent B to live with other family after she had him at 18, has very little contact with him.  The woman he knew as his mother passed away a few years ago from cancer.  The man he came to know as his father, an alcoholic, has lately been very mean to B on the phone, a symptom of his addiction and fear.  B has never known his birth father.  He’s led a very unfair, unbalanced life, and when I see the pain in his eyes, it tears me up inside.  I wish I could take it all away.

But instead, all I can do is hug him and tell him I love him.  I just hope it’s enough.

365 days ago

…something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

…I was living in denial with a fake smile plastered to my face.

…misery ate away at me, bad thoughts pushing their way into my brain.

…we laid in bed together, unsure of the silence between us.

…he broke my heart with five words: “This isn’t going to work.”

…I laid in bed crying uncontrollably, desperately clinging to dreams as they vanished into thin air.

…our relationship ended.

What a difference a year makes.  When I look back on exactly one year ago today, I almost can’t believe the changes that have taken place.  On March 13, 2007, my entire world was shattered when B made a decision I never wished for — he ended our relationship.  He was unhappy and stressed out, and things between the two of us were not good.  I carried on, trying desperately to make him happy, to make him see that our relationship was worth believing in.  I was fooling myself.  I was forgetting something.

I had forgotten that sometimes everything has to fall apart before it can be put back together. 

The months of March and April, 2007, were miserable for me.  I missed B, even though I still saw him every day.  Living together, yet apart, was difficult.  I slept in what was once our bed and he slept on the couch.  He spent weekends away with his family, and I spent weekends with my friends.  He said that he didn’t know if he had any faith left, that things had gotten too hard.  He didn’t know if he could go on.  I soldiered on, trying to take my mind off of it, unsuccessfully.  I went on a four week bender, drinking heavily to self-medicate my emotional pain.  I stopped calling him, stopped hugging him, stopped talking to him.  But when we were alone, which was rare, I found myself reaching out, selfishly, stubbornly, trying to hold on to something that didn’t want me anymore.  I was angry at myself.  I was pathetic.  And then, I snapped out of it.  I woke up one day and thought “fuck it.”  So I put on the best mask I could muster, one of complete indifference, and faced the world.  And just like that, my prayers were finally heard. 

It was late in April when it finally came back together.  It took several unforeseen, random circumstances to bring this relationship back together.  It was his asking, just as it was his undoing, that sealed the deal.  For all along, I’d known the truth — he just had to figure it out himself. 

And now, a year later, things are completely different.  Our “house” is now a “home.”  There is a safe haven for us both to escape to in each other’s arms.  Our relationship is now based on mutual respect and friendship, instead of just passion and emotion.  We learned that you have to have all those pieces to make it work.  We’d been together a long time, and we had stopped appreciating each other.  It’s hard to explain…it’s almost as if the undoing of it all is what made the bitterness fade away.  It was as if someone had literally wiped our slate clean and said “please, start fresh with each other.” 

One night, a few months after we began again, as we lay sleeping in our bed, he woke me up at 3 a.m.  He said to me, “You are my best friend, but I want you to be my wife.”  Finally, all those years of wishing and praying were coming true.  But what I felt was not relief or appreciation — I just felt calm.  Like I could finally rest, knowing that my world was now on solid ground.  All my life I’d lived in fear of being abandoned by those who I love.  My mom, my dad, my brother.  I didn’t want to add B to the list of those who had gone from my life.  That night I realized that he had never really left.  I was always in his heart, where he carried me.  We fell apart to come back together.

March 13, 2007 seems like a lifetime ago.  We’ve come so far since then.  As B says, “Our relationship is in a different place now, from a year ago.  We’re standing on solid ground.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Like a kid on Christmas Eve

The last couple of times I sat down to update my blog, nothing has come out.  I just stare at the blinking cursor and think to myself what’s the point?  There’s just nothing all that interesting going on around here.

The weekend was good, but fast.  Friday night B and I caught a screening of Vantage Point, which I really liked.  I think I was the only one in the theater who did, judging by the moans of the audience every time it rewound time to the beginning of the shooting.  Saturday was a whole lot of errand running and preparing for hanging out with friends.  I felt so rushed, which I hate, but B had to get his hair cut.  I had to buy a gift for a friend.  Then there was the whole shower/exfoliate/shave/makeup/hair/outfit/accessories job to be done.  It was all worth it however, because the evening was great fun. 

Look, I’d really like to share pictures with you, but it would compromise my anonymity.  Even sharing pics with faces blurred makes me uncomfortable.  I do not want anyone to find out about my blog.  It’s my own little place to go and vent and be insecure if I need to be.  And if someone I knew read it, well I would fall apart and then my entries would become a lot like we went here and did this and omg i have so much laundry to do and wow my boyfriend is really great.  Shit, wait.  My blog is already like that right now.

Well, fuck.

Look, the real news?  I’m one impatient motherfucker.  I ain’t gonna lie.  No frontin’ round here, freaders.  And lately, all I can think about is getting engaged.  B jokingly said to me, two days ago, “you realize we’ve been doing this whole dating thing for 9 years?” and all of a sudden I felt really old and scared and I started thinking to myself what would my father say if he were still here?  He would certainly sit me down and say “honey, what are B’s intentions?”  Truth is, I know we’re getting engaged because we did the whole picking out engagement rings thing and well, he did tell me that “we’re getting down to the wire” which I guess means it’s coming soon.  Am I excited?  Hell yes!  But mostly I’m just impatient because ohmygod can we please get the show on the road so we can share the news with our family and friends?!?!  It’s all I can think about lately.  I even dream about it.  I try not to nag him because I know he’s working on it, and he’s got great taste and wants to get me a beautiful diamond.  I know what the setting looks like, but not the diamond, so yeah, I’m kind of eager to see it.  Lately, every time we make plans to do something or go somewhere, I find myself stressing out over what I’m wearing because what if it ends up being the time where he proposes?  Or if he’s acting strange and stressed out, I get all excited thinking it’s going to happen any second now, and then I get discouraged when it doesn’t.  He has no idea the amount of insanity going on up in my head because I keep it to myself, thankfully.  I haven’t even shared details with my one friend who does know, because that’s just tacky.

B did say to me on Friday, “I’m just having such a great day because I’m totally in love with my life right now.  I’m in a good place.”

I responded, “What has changed from, say, a week ago?”

“Lots of things.  I’m just excited and grateful, and I just want the rest of my life to start this very minute.  I want us to be together forever because you just make me so happy,” he explained.

I started to freak out.  I was totally having an inner monologue going on upstairs.

Holy shit, he’s going to ask me right now, right?  Right?  Maybe not.  He’s still going on about how happy he is.  Shouldn’t this be about US and how happy WE are?  He can’t possibly propose right now.  We’re in the car!  On the way to the movies!  No way. 

**2 minutes later**

Dammit, I really wish he’d just ask me!  This is driving me nuts!

He, of course, did not propose to me that night.  That’s okay.  It’s nerve-wracking, but it’s okay.  I’m just so impatient and I’m carrying around this massive secret about the whole ring thing and it’s becoming a giant block in my brain that I can’t get around.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when he finally does propose.  We have no major “plans” coming up any time soon.  Just our usual stuff.  I’m scared and excited and antsy all at the same time.  I think someone once said to enjoy it, because it goes by so fast, then it’s over.

But me?  I’m all about instant gratification.

On hearts & chocolates. It must be love!

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

There is no better way to wake up than to a hilarious card (by way of sexual humor), some amazing chocolates, and a gift card to Starbucks.

B knows me so well.

Tonight we will make dinner together, devour some of my chocolates, and watch some DVDs, snuggled on the couch.  In our many years together, we have seen lots of different ways to celebrate this day.  We’ve done hotel stays, complete with jacuzzi tub and lingerie.  We’ve done romantic dinners out.  We’ve celebrated with diamonds (for me, of course).  But this year, we’re going low-key.

He also hinted that the day for me to get my ring could quite possibly be right around the corner.  Anyone want to weigh in on the possibilities?  My birthday is next week. 

I love him for many reasons.  He makes me laugh.  He laughs at my jokes, even when they’re not that funny.  He knows when all I need is a hug.  He spoils me.  He’s my best friend. 

I hope this Valentine’s Day finds you all in the best of spirits, single or attached. 

XOXO,

CP

Time for another WTF Wednesday

So yesterday was really kind of rough.  I mean, all sorts of shit just spilled out of everywhere and I found myself pretty damn angry all day.  You know what they say, when it rains, it motherfucking pours.  Today is the perfect day to continue with the WTF Wednesday posts…I’ve got a lot that I’m still pissed off about:

1.  The dream I had last night about my father.  Disturbing, upsetting, and totally random.  The mascara stains on my pillow this morning proved to me that I was actually crying while I was dreaming (Ed. note:  Also?  That I need to be better about washing my face before bed!)

2.  I’m still mad about the things I posted about here.  First of all, the friend from the first situation has not even attempted to talk to me today.  Granted, I told her I needed some time before speaking with her again because I was so angry, but she really should learn how to apologize and start doing it.  She screwed up, majorly.  And after discussing it with B and my BFF last night, we all determined that I had a right to be angry.  Therefore, I’m even angrier today.  I expected her to send me a note saying she’s sorry, but it hasn’t happened.  Well, fine…  I guess we don’t need to speak at all then.

3.  And the second situation?  Well, I’m debating how to proceed.  Should I email or call with a response to the situation?  As far as I know, they don’t know that B and I figured it out.  What do you guys think?  Would an email or a phone call do the trick?  OR, should I wait until THEY attempt to speak with US, THEN go all out in a “wtf-are-you-doing-talking-to-us?!?!” kind of way?  I need opinions!

4.  It’s 82 degrees today.  This makes me very happy.   The fact that it’s foretelling of major thunderstorms and baseball sized hail do NOT make me happy.

5.  Without being way too TMI (Ed note: Too Much Information), I’m having bathroom issues.  Feeling like I really need to go #2, but then not being able to.  Seriously, wtf?!  I’m running to the bathroom every 15 minutes, then leaving 2 minutes later totally unsuccessful and frustrated (also, “backed up”).  UGH.

BUT on the bright side of things, I already received my birthday present from B.  Yes, I am aware that it’s last fall’s patchwork, but B has good ears.  He heard me complaining that I never was able to get one, and was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find one at all.  He managed to swing me by the mall over the weekend and snag it for me.  He really knows how to cheer a girl up!

What is pissing you off today?

Note(s) to self

There is a reason that the one shot of tequila you had on Friday night made you that sick.  It’s to remind you that the relationship between you and Jose Cuervo is over for a reason.  Tequila turns you into a crazy drunk bitch.

Leaving a friend’s house at 7:30 A.M. on a Saturday morning, still drunk from the night before, with tear stains and smeared mascara on your cheek?  That was your 25 year old version of the walk of shame.  Don’t let it happen again.

Scraping ice off your car in 25 degree cold, still drunk, while wearing heels = not so damn funny.

Starting a fight with your boyfriend, who is soundly sleeping in bed at 8:30 A.M. means that you have no right to be angry when he’s mad at you for the rest of the day.

Lunch and pedicures with your best friend is quite possibly the best cure-all for anything. 

Seafood on a queasy stomach?  Not such a great idea.

Going to bed at 11 P.M. on a Saturday night means that YES, you are old.  (But it sure felt damn good)

Grocery shopping takes a long time when a man is involved.

Sometimes there is nothing better than a hug.

Going to sleep with legs tangled up together, my hair in his face, and his hand lightly scratching my back is perfect.

Sometimes you can’t win ‘em all.

List-y

Apologies, apologies.  I have been mighty worthless these last few days.  Sorry for not blogging, but sometimes life catches up with you.  My brain is a jumble of mixed-up thoughts and slow processes this morning.  Yesterday was a holiday for me, so I wasn’t at work.  And I’m afraid that all you’re going to get out of me today is a list.

1.  I haven’t had any alcohol to drink in 18 days.  Result?  My brain is a lot clearer, and I feel better.  It’s not that I’m never going to drink again, but I decided to lay off the booze for a while and purge my body of the bad things I’d been putting into it, such as fried foods, too much chocolate and sweets, and alcohol.  I have a feeling that has a lot to do with the 13 pound weight loss I’ve experienced.

2.  This Saturday my friends and I are getting together for girl time!  I’m so excited about this.  We’re doing it up old school — pajamas, facial masks, pretty nails, the whole nine yards.  Add to that some fabulous take-out (which I am so looking forward to!) and some wine, and you have one hell of a recipe for success.

3.  I miss my BFF.

4.  I saw my friend out this weekend (the one I posted about here).  We managed to have small talk and a little bit of conversation, but really, it’s just kind of awkward.  We seem to have less and less in common.  I’m not sad really, just realizing that this is a part of life.  But I have to wonder, does she even notice it at all?

5.  Can I just please shout from the rooftops how much I love B?!  It’s so hard to believe how EASY it is for us to be around each other, accomplish things, and spend time together.  It didn’t used to be so easy.  I guess when you find your stride, the journey becomes a lot more enjoyable.

6.  I was bugging B about my ring this weekend.  I’m terribly impatient.  The sales guy had told him that it would be ready around the middle of February.  He indicated that I might be lucky enough to have him give it to me before the end of next month!  Then I can share this wonderful secret with my family and friends that I’ve had to keep to myself!  I will officially be an engaged woman just after my 25th birthday!  YES!

7.  I actually cleaned my house yesterday.  SHOCKER!  I did this on my holiday.  HOLIDAY being the operative word.  We’re talking dusting and vacuuming and scrubbing floors with.my.bare.hands.  I was exhausted by the time B got home from work.

8.  I just finished the book My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.  You must check it out.

9.  I’m looking forward to my birthday.  I will be 25 and I can’t even believe.  A quarter of a century.  I’ve already had my quarter-life-crisis.  Perhaps I’ll blog about that some other time.  But no, I’m looking forward to a nice dinner with only my closest friends, and a gigantic dessert.  I think by that time, I will have definitely earned a little bit of indulgence.

I’m so pathetic I can’t even come up with 10 things. 

For those of you who had yesterday off, tell me:  How did you spend your holiday?

Perspective

I’m back!  Sorry for the lack of posts.  Sometime a girl just needs a few days to recharge.

Some things happened over this four day weekend to make me gain new perspective in regards to my relationships with people.  After being disappointed numerous times on Saturday (B’s birthday), I decided to shut my phone off and stop making myself so available.  Why?  Because a few of my friends are guilty of making our friendship so one-sided that I’m frustrated and annoyed right down to my bones.  I needed a few days without their phone calls and text messages to think and evaluate things.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

Friday was wonderful!  I left work early, had lunch with B, and went shopping.  We decided that since our Christmas was going to be very low-key this year, that we should just take advantage of the numerous 50% off sales and buy our gifts for each other that day.  That night we went to a friend’s birthday party.  It was kind of a long day, but long in a satisfying way because it was just what we needed.

Saturday was B’s birthday.  We had a lot of things to do to get ready for his party at our house later that night.  My niece and a friend came to stay with us, and we met 15 or so friends for dinner at a Japanese steakhouse and sushi bar.  This is where things started to go downhill.  I had made reservations for 12, since that is the number that RSVPd to me.  People showed up late.  Now, I think you should know that being late is my BIGGEST pet-peeve.  If you know that dinner starts at 8, why would you leave with only 15 minutes to spare?  But whatever, moving on…  People rolled in late, without any regard to the time I had indicated, but I let it go.  I just wanted B to have a good time.  Four of his friends showed up around 8:45, and since there was absolutely no room at our table, they decided to sit at the bar.  B was then forced to go between our main table and their seating at the bar so that they didn’t feel left out. 

One of my friends, who I’ve known for a very long time, was there with her boyfriend.  This is the friend that I’ve been feeling somewhat ambivalent toward, due to her refusal to see that her boyfriend is using her and manipulating her.  She has no life outside of him anymore and I have been telling B for weeks now that I feel as though I’m only her friend over the telephone.  And I’m tired of it. 

Flashback to October, when it was HIS birthday.  B and I had a wedding to go to, which took most of the day.  However, we still made an appearance at his birthday party.  We didn’t even show up until 11:00, but we came straight from the wedding, stopping only for 10 minutes to change out of our formal wear.  We were tired and worn out from the day, but we were there.  Instead of being grateful for our appearance, we were greeted with “Where the hell have you been?  Fuck a wedding.  You should have been here.”  When I explained that it was a wedding for one of my best friends from college, they shrugged their shoulders and made it clear that they felt we had chosen the wrong event for the day.  I let that go.  A few days later, we went out to dinner with them, and B ended up picking up the check…to the tune of $120!  I was annoyed, but it was B’s decision.  I was hoping that they would show the same kind of respect towards B for his birthday…not necessarily paying for dinner, but at least showing up and having a good time.  My friend had been saying all week that they would come to dinner and the party but that they would not be staying long because they had some family obligations the next day.  Family obligations I can understand.  But I knew deep down that she was just bullshitting and would be backing out the first chance she got. 

I was halfway right.

They came to dinner and it was awkward.  The rest of the people who were there are friends that we see quite often, hang out with often.  Everyone was having a good time, but they looked uncomfortable.  Whispering to each other, etc.  Halfway through the meal, B opened up his cards from people.  Two of our friends had given him a gift certificate.  About 3 minutes after this, my friend came over with a $20 bill and said it was to help pay for B’s dinner.  It was very kind of her, but I couldn’t help wondering if they only did it because of the other friends’ gift card. 

After dinner was over, she came over to say goodbye, that they wouldn’t be going to the party.  At that point, I just tuned her out.  I was right all along.  As we were getting in the car go go back to our house for the party, her and her boyfriend were talking to B and saying that if we wanted to come to their house the next day, we could.  I explained that while it was a nice gesture, we wouldn’t be coming because I had company and I would be tired from the weekend.  She looked offended.  But I was offended, too.  I was offended at the apparent discrepancy between what my version of friendship is and what her version of friendship is.  I didn’t want to seem rude or hurt her feelings, but I was pretty peeved.

I wish I could say that was the end of the bad stuff that night, but it wasn’t.

Then my bff bailed.  She couldn’t make it to dinner because her sister had unexpectedly decided to visit, so they had dinner alone.  I texted her during dinner to see if they were still coming and she said yes.  She asked me to call her when we were finished.  When I did, she wouldn’t answer.  Then, about 15 minutes later, she started texting me with a crisis.  I knew this was her way of getting out of coming, so I called her to explain that I didn’t have time to text, but I needed to know if she was coming or not.  She said no, hemmed and hawed about it and said she was sorry.  At that point, I was over it.  Over.It.

Once we got to the house and everyone loosened up, I started having fun.  I’m sorry to say it didn’t last long.

One of B’s friends (we’ll call him Dickhead) has always hated me.  Always.  We’re talking from day one.  Recently he was thrown out of his girlfriend’s house, who happens to be a friend of mine.  He was cheating on her with numerous girls and once she discovered everything, it was over.  She didn’t hear from him for six weeks, and she was okay with that.  Then all of a sudden, he came back trying to win her over.  She wasn’t having any of it.  Smart girl.  Ever since then, he’s been even more crass and rude.  Case in point:  while at my friends birthday party on Friday night, I discovered he had written on one of the party tables “I hope ______ dies.”  I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. 

(Tangent:  Don’t worry!  I blacked out his vengeful message with permanent marker, but left his signature, under which I wrote “is a huge asshole.”  Some of the other girls at the party wrote “is a huge cheater” and “is freakishly ugly.”  What can I say, mess with one, mess with all!)

Later in the night, while I was in the restroom, I heard B and Dickhead arguing with each other.  I couldn’t tell what it was about, so I decided to go find out.  As I was walking down the hallway, I saw my niece sitting on the couch, observing the argument.  I asked her what it was about, and she said she wasn’t sure.  From where I stood, behind the Christmas tree, I could see and hear them, but they couldn’t see me.  I was not happy with what I heard.

“Your friendship is important to me, but some of the things you say hurt my feelings,” B said, as he tried to stop Dickhead from walking out the front door.

“Yeah, well feelings are for pussies.”

“You can’t say shit about [Paradise].  I love her.  You don’t have to understand that, but you have to respect it.  I love her, and she’s the most important thing in my life.”

“Well, have a nice fucking life, B.  Because obviously we’re not friends.”

“No, we are!  You are my friend, but you’re making it difficult.”

“Yeah, well you have some choices to make,” Dickhead said, as he turned around to look at me, “and you need to FIX what you ‘love’.”

Then he stormed out of our house.  B tried to plead with him as he was getting in the car, but eventually they sped off and B was left standing in the driveway. 

The next day, as B and I talked it over, he started to tear up and said “I can’t keep trying with him.  He wants me to choose between him and you, and that will never happen.  I will never choose him over you.”

Perspective.  Dickhead should never ask B to choose between his friendship and me, just like I shouldn’t ask my friend of many years to choose between her relationship with her boyfriend and me.  I know that.  But then, as I was explaining to B, “you guys have been friends for a long time now, but people change and your friendship has changed”, is when it hit me.  My friendship with her has changed.  We’re all growing up and my life is moving forward, but my friendship with her is not.  We only ever communicate through the telephone.  We never hang out.  Whenever I invite her somewhere, she always has some kind of an excuse.  In the 2.5 years since I graduated and came home, she has gone out with me one time.  Even then, her boyfriend tried to make it difficult for her by being a jerk and causing her to not want to go.  It’s not a healthy relationship.  Every time she comes to me about their problems, I offer advice and motivation and understanding.  I explain to her that he is not the end all, be all.  That she can and will have a life after him.  But she stays.  I’ve done all I can.  I’m tired of trying so hard.

Friendships should not be this hard.  While I’m not ready to throw in the towel on my friendships with them, I’m going to stop making myself so available.  I feel like I give so much to my friendships, and when I get the bare minimum in return, it wears me out.  I was so upset this weekend that I wasn’t sure what to do with myself.

As for Dickhead, well, there’s more to that story.  He left several angry and mean voicemails on B’s cell phone after he stormed out of our house on Saturday night.  They basically reiterated what he already said.  He wants B to choose.  He says B can do “way better” than me.  Then the last message must have been from the next day, because it didn’t mention anything about what happened, just that his brother had left some CDs at our house and was wondering if B could bring them down and hang out.  When B heard the messages, he had only one thing to say:

“My friendship with him is over.”

Friendships are supposed to make our lives better, easier.  When it gets too hard to understand, too hard to carry on, all you can do is keep moving forward.  My friendship with BFF will be fine.  I’m sure we’ll talk today.  My friendship with the other girl, might not be salvagable.  She only wants me to fit into her life in ways that are convenient for her, which is when she wants me, where she wants me, and over the telephone. 

B’s friendship with Dickhead, I’m sorry to say, probably isn’t going to last.  I don’t see how it could.