To the person who found my blog by googling “grannies in tight clothes“:
You should be ashamed of yourself! I’m totally mortified for you.
And I’m sorry to say, you’re definitely NOT going to find what you’re looking for here at Chasing Paradise.
Move along now, pervert.
To the person who found me by googling “stepmom cuts me out after Dad died”, yeah I’m sorry about that. Stepmothers can be evil bitches. I call mine “stepmonster.” This is not to say that some stepmothers are wonderful creatures. But mine, and apparently, the google searcher? Yeah, ours sucked ass.
And to the sick fucker who found me by googling “guy bangs his stepmom”? You’re fucking sick. I don’t know what else to say.
Four acquaintances of mine from school got engaged over the holiday weekend. I found this out by logging into Facebook this morning. Seriously? Four people? Why does everyone get engaged around Christmas. I guess I can’t complain — we did order my ring in the month of December!
(Tangent: It’s been 2 weeks. We still have another 2-4 weeks to go until the setting is here! Ugh, I am so impatient!)
I was IMed this morning by a guy that I had a “fling” with during college. This was during a tenuous breakup with B. I hadn’t talked to him in like three years or something crazy, but he popped up on my screen with a “hey stranger.” We talked for a few minutes…just long enough for me to find out that he moved in with his girlfriend of 16 months and is shopping for an engagement ring for her, and for him to ask me if B and I are engaged yet. I told him about the engagement ring and how we had it ordered from the store. Why? I don’t know. I felt the need to prove that I was justified in breaking his heart and going back to B. Who knows. The conversation abruptly cut off after we had said all we could to each other…about our jobs, about where we live, and who we still hang out with. Awkward.
It’s the day after Christmas and I am so disillusioned. You know what I did yesterday? I woke up at 8 am, watched multiple episodes of Dawson’s Creek (shut up!) and took naps. There was no present opening. There was no stocking un-stuffing. There was no ham or turkey or mashed potatoes. There was no pumpkin pie. We had a very un-Christmas-like day.
It made me vow to make next year more “normal.”
Confession: I still think about him from time to time. I still wonder what would have happened if I’d stuck to the breakup with B and given it a shot with him. Who would I be today? Would B and I have gotten back together? Would we still be friends?
I guess it’s normal. But it’s still one hell of a clusterfuck to think about.
Since it’s a Wednesday, better known as “hump day”, and I have nothing really substantial to offer to the blogosphere this morning, I think today calls for a list.
1. WTF is up with Jamie-Lynn Spears’ pregnancy? She’s 16, for God’s sake! I heard it on the radio on my way to work this morning and I nearly spit out my juice! Someone needs to talk to Lynn Spears about her skills as a mother, because clearly it’s not working out for her. First there was the trainwreck that is Britney, and now this. Looks like their gravy train just came to a screeching halt!
2. I actually passed a tractor-trailer with a sticker on the back that said “Show me your tits.” Unfortunately for him, the only thing I showed him was my middle finger.
3. I still have yet to wrap one single Christmas present I’ve bought. I don’t mind buying them, but wrapping them? Pure.Hell.
4. It’s gonna be one of those days, ya’ll. Things are bugging me lately and no matter how hard I try to snap out of it, the bad mood looks like it’s here to stay. I just keep praying for something amazing (or funny) to happen and change my outlook.
5. Have you ever just been so thoroughly disappointed in someone that you can’t even talk to them for a little while? I am feeling this way towards a friend of mine right now and I can’t talk to her. I’m afraid if I do, all that will come out of my mouth is negativity. I think it’s best to stay away.
6. The plans for B’s birthday are finished! I made reservations yesterday for our dinner. He is so excited! And I have the perfect gift to give him at dinner! 
7. On my way to work this morning, a car came whipping around a sharp curve in my neighborhood, on MY side of the road! And she honked her horn at me! WTF?
Sorry for the pathetic excuse of a post. I’m just totally feeling “wtf?!” about a lot of things today. I need my 4 day weekend that’s coming up!
Whew. Yesterday I got a little emotional over the whole friend getting engaged thing. Wow. I’m not proud of myself when I have these little emotional outbursts, but it’s how I felt at the time, and I can’t help it. So anyway…
Yesterday, a recap:
5:01 PM: leave work, practically run to elevator
5:06 PM: get in car, turn heat all the way up and mutter to self about the outrageous wind
5:07 PM: drive home
5:37 PM: phone call from B. He makes me laugh when his reaction to the friend getting engaged is “wtf?” Plan dinner over phone.
6:04 PM: pull into driveway. Debate getting mail. Decide against it and run into house immediately.
6:05 PM: Stare into fridge.
6:06 PM: Call B to see where he is with our dinner.
6:15 PM: B arrives home. Kiss him a million times and say “I need a hug.”
6:15 PM - 6:17 PM: Hugs. Lots of hugs.
6:17 PM: Tivo!
8:10 PM: Sit with B on couch and watch “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town.” Grin like an idiot and dance in my seat.
9:21 PM: Decide against watching Gossip Girl. Way.Too.Tired.
10:47 PM: Wake up to B sitting up in bed with the lights on. Ask him what’s wrong. He answers “I’ve been hearing noises outside for the last 30 minutes. I’m going outside to check.”
10:49 PM: Hand B a hammer. It’s the next best thing to a baseball bat.
10:50 PM: Laugh at B outside saying “who’s there? WHO IS THERE?”
10:51 PM: Laugh even harder when he comes inside to explain that it’s just the screen door banging shut.
10:52 PM: Pass out.
6:06 AM: Wake up. Curse the world. Go back to sleep.
6:43 AM: Kiss B goodbye.
6:45 AM: Turn off alarm and get into shower
7:02 AM: Promise not to be a brat today. Promise!
So far it’s been a good day. It’s cold outside, but that just means that Christmas is coming. I’m back to being an optimist today. We can’t all be happy and positive all the time. Yesterday was hard. I’m sure there will be other hard days too in the meantime. I just need to remember what I have. I know this.
Now if I can just get motivated to do some WORK, all will be good. Seriously, someone needs to consider making the work week only four days! Can you imagine how much happier people would be?
It had been three days. Three days since I’d seen him. Three days since I’d talked to him. And I was starting to really freak out. I’m not the most patient of people and I thoroughly hate it when I’m not in control of my surroundings. It was hard to enjoy anything — the company of my friends, the start of a new chapter in my life, being back at school. Nothing could settle me when I hadn’t spoken to B in three days.
I tried his cell phone. No answer. Left messages. No reponses. Emailed him a few times with nothing in return. And finally, I made the last move possible.
I called his dad.
The phone call unleashed a torrent of emotion. B’s dad explained that after he had dropped me off at school, he just decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He was overwhelmed, underimpressed, and all in all had just had it with me. He never planned on speaking to me again. To put it bluntly, he was out of my life. And there was nothing I could do about it.
Then I got the consolation prize sentiments… “Our family is so much richer from having known you. You’ve been a joy to be around. We truly love you. Please call us if you ever need anything.”
The rage was building up inside of me and I had nowhere to release it. I could hear my roommate, my best friend, on the other side of wall. She was talking on the phone and laughing about something. The people upstairs were making an unbelievable amount of noise due to the party they were throwing. I’d been invited to the party, but I’d turned it down. It was all because I was too upset at not having been able to get in touch with B. People everywhere around me were going on with their lives. The thought of it seemed entirely impossible to me.
Just at the moment that I was about to open my bedroom door and walk out to face the ranks of people, I collapsed in a puddle of tears. It was all over. Everything I’d worked for, everything I’d dreamed of. It was all over and there was nothing I could do about it.
Then I woke up.
This was at 5:15 this morning. I woke up crying, confused, and angry and I wasn’t sure why. My crying woke B up and he rolled over to ask me what was wrong. It was then, at the moment of seeing his face that I remembered the dream. Scratch that. Nightmare. I groggily responded to his question with “It’s nothing. Bad dream.” He pulled me into his arms and I fell back asleep.
Why do these dreams take hold? I wouldn’t say I have them often, but more often than I’d like to. It’s usually the same scenario: he’s gone and I can’t reach him to ask him why. Total abandonment. It’s aggravating. After another 2 hours of sleep, I was okay this morning and ready to face my day.
I’m even more ready to go home and see B.
It’s hard to fight the pit of fear in my stomach sometimes. I have to keep reminding myself that he won’t abandon me. I guess we all get a little crazy and irrational sometimes. Today was just my turn.
1. I was born in 1983…that makes me 24. I’m dangerously close to 25 and I don’t know how I feel about that yet.
2. I’m an Aquarius, but I do not live up to the hype. I was meant to be a Pisces, obvs.
3. I can relate every memory to a smell — foods, fresh snow, crisp autumn air, boys cologne, and yes, even alcohol. People think I’m weird about this.
4. I have a thing with counting steps. I count everywhere I go, silently in my head. I’m afraid this makes me a little crazy.
5. I’m the most impatient person you’ll ever meet. I hate waiting for you and if you’re late, I’ll call you incessantly until you tell me why you’re late. I know it’s annoying, but so is being late!
6. I have 4 memorable scars…wedding ring finger, back of head, under chin and right shin. I was a bit of a clutz as a child.
7. I’m still a bit of a clutz as an adult.
8. I get easily overwhelmed and flustered. I’m known to just walk away from things when I can’t focus on getting it done.
9. Nesquick is the best drink ever invented.
10. I hate cough drops and refuse to use them.
11. I love a clean house but I hate to clean. Starting seems overwhelming. See 8.
12. Fall is my favorite season. Sweaters, autumn leaves, crisp fresh air, and pumpkin pie are heaven.
13. I’m what most would consider an “orphan”. Both of my parents have passed away. This has affected me in a profound way…
14. My friends have become like family. We are super close.
15. I have two sisters. I lied. I have two sisters and one brother. But my brother doesn’t speak to anyone in my family anymore. That’s a story for another day.
16. I’m from a small town. I’m scared that I’ll forever be a small town girl.
17. I’m the first person in my family to graduate from college. That was huge pressure for me.
18. I’m a perfectionist. It comes from living in a chaotic household as a child. Yet again, another story for another time.
19. I aspired to be an olympic gymnast when I was little. I was fearless but once my growth spurt came, there was nothing I could do. I had to stop gymnastics.
20. I dreamed of becoming a writer. But then I went into college and picked a more “sensible” major — advertising.
21. I had an internship for a small advertising firm and I hated it. I never went back.
22. I’m not allowed to divulge who I work for. What I will tell you is that it’s in the “communications” field.
23. I’ll be paying back my student loans forever. And ever. I put myself through school with absolutely no financial help from anyone.
24. I thought of applying to graduate school. Then I woke up and though “wtf was I thinking?”
25. It took me all the way to 25 to mention my boyfriend. Correct that…my other HALF. He’s my best friend. We’ve been together for a long time. It’s the real deal.
26. We’re not engaged but I’m hoping it happens soon. I have started to dream about it. Apparently he has too. He told me he had a dream that he bought me a ring and lost it. Please God let that not be a sign!
27. I can’t stand to watch an animal die on TV or in a movie. But watching a human die? Not a problem!
28. I think I’ve finally outgrown my “get wasted and stay up all night” phase. These days I’m more about good conversation with friends and even better wine in a tall stemmed glass.
29. I hate talking on the phone. But texting? Texting is preferred!
30. If I could, I would eat chocolate every day of my life. Chocolate and mexican food. Alas, my hips and thighs would object horrifically.
31. I’m really outspoken with perfect strangers. However, I fear hurting the feelings of those I love the most. Sometimes I’ll be dying to say something to you but just won’t because I fear the backlash.
32. I love being busy. I’ll complain about it and whine a little, but if I’m not scheduled for lots of things, I have trouble sitting still and relaxing.
33. Sometimes the best medicine is a bubble bath or a long walk with good music. Good scenery helps too.
34. I have hundreds of different laughs. Loud ones, quiet ones, silent ones even. Laughs that come out of nowhere. Calculated laughs. It all just depends on who I’m around and what I’m laughing at.
35. I cannot tell jokes. Cannot. No one ever gets them. And I suck at the punchline especially.
36. I do not know how to save money. I always think of a way to spend it.
37. I love technology but do not have the patience to learn how to use it. Cell phones, blackberrys, and iPODs frustrate me.
38. 38 is my scary age. The one I dread at all costs for fear that I won’t have lived up to my own expectations (and yes, I’ve been saving that one for num. 38).
39. I set unbelievable goals for myself. Most of them I manage to accomplish, through tooth and nail.
40. I will rationalize anything. $100 pair of boots when I’m broke? Dinner out when I have food at home? A candy bar at work AND chocolate pie for dessert? There’s a way to rationalize EVERYTHING.
41. I love freckles. I sit in the sun if only for the freckles. (I get freckles even WITH sunscreen!)
42. No more fake and bake EVER. Sunless tanning caused a friend of mine to develop melanoma. Too close to home. NEVER again.
43. I’m excited to start blogging. I just hope I stay mostly anonymous. I’m not ready to share this with friends or family. I need a place to vent. A place to let it all go. I hope readers will offer me advice so that I know I’m not the only one who experiences things.
43 things about me. In the words of Meredith Grey, “That’s 43 things that you know. That’s a lot.”
