Patience is not my virtue

I’m terribly fucking impatient. 

There, I said it.

It’s so bad that other people comment on it.  I recognize it in myself, even.  And what’s that they say?  Usually we don’t see the worst of ourselves because we don’t want to?  Well, I see this about me.  I see it every day.  It’s there when people are driving too slow (too slow for whom?).  It’s there when I’m standing in line behind someone and I’m making a face and sighing just a little too loud, waiting for them to hurry it the hell up.  It’s there when I’m waiting on someone who is late (it’s always someone else who is late, never me).  I’m just terribly fucking impatient and, unfortunately, I don’t ever see that changing.

So that’s why I’m in my present predicament.  I’m terribly fucking tired of not being engaged.

B and I looked at rings and ordered a setting in December.  Most people would cringe at the thought, thinking “why would you ever want to know when your ring is coming or how it will look?”  Well, it worked for me us.  Things have been so great with us for a long time now, and we wanted to really take the next step together.  I made him promise not to divulge what the center diamond will look like or when he’ll do it.  He has obliged.  But I know that he can tell that I’m getting terribly distraught over the non-appearance of a diamond on my left ring finger.  He just chuckles, shrugs his shoulders, and tells me to be patient.

Ha.  That’s funny.

Something is up though.  He’s been acting kind of strange.  When I did the laundry the other day, I did his for him because he’s been working so late and he hasn’t had the time.  He yelled at me when he saw me moving towards his side of the closet. 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” he shrieked.

“Umm…putting your clothes away.  Is that okay?”

“NO!  I’ll do it.  Umm…I mean, I don’t need you to do it.  Actually, please just stay away from the closet.  And the dresser.  Thanks, babe.”

If I was a lesser woman, I’d wait for the first moment he left and I’d head straight there, curious about what he’s hiding.  But I thought about it while folding more clothes, and something inside told me that this might be coming very soon.  I might not have to be impatient much longer. 

You know that saying “when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now”?  Well yeah, like that one State Farm (Allstate?  Whatever) insurance commercial, I’m there.  Been there.  Been there, waiting with a very tense expression on my face.  All the while, I’ve been trying to maintain some normal level of patience and grace.

I’m just not so good at it.

I’m very grateful for what I’ve got.  I know I’ve got a guy who loves me to death, in spite of my flaws and because of my quirks.  He’s my best friend in the world and I trust him with my whole life.  We’ve both given so much of ourselves to this relationship.  We’ve been scrutinized, judged, and examined for all of our choices, and I just think we deserve the chance to prove to everyone our intentions of staying together forever.  And truthfully?  I’m dying to be more than just his girlfriend.  Our relationship is so much bigger than all of that.  It’s not perfect by any means, but dammit, it’s pretty damn great. 

On the other hand, I’ve come to realize that when I really need to, I can keep a secret.  Only the BFF knows about the setting.  I’d say that’s pretty impressive!

Weeeeee!

Obnoxious post title, but that’s kind of how I feel at the moment.  Plus, it’s quite the change from the tone of my last post, wherein, I was a sick and whiny bitch, no? 

There’s no particular reason for the total change of mindset.  This weekend saw nothing fantastic happen.  B and I got a lot of rest, did some housecleaning, ran a lot of errands, and accomplished some major grocery and essentials shopping.  We were out of EVERYTHING — right down to body wash, deodorant, trash bags, and kitty litter.  It was one of THOSE trips.  It took 4 hours to get it all done.  Yikes.  Our bank account is currently cussing us out.  We had dinner with some friends on Saturday night, and laid around being lazy yesterday.  But for some reason, I feel as though the wheels are turning, and good things are on their way. 

Okay so can I just divulge some of the latest details about my engagement ring?  Well, faithful freaders will recall that it’s been about four months since we picked out and ordered my setting.  It’s been a loooooong four months my friends!  The ring took forever to arrive to the store, about 10 weeks, due to them being overly-busy (holiday season and such), and the fact that it had to be completely manufactured and sized appropriately.  From there, B had the monumental task of picking out a diamond for the setting.  That was about a month ago.  It’s been taking a while because the ring is kind of expensive (okay, pretty damn expensive — more expensive than we were anticipating), and B had to save up money for it.  It’s just about paid for!  I have no idea what the diamond looks like, or when it’s going to be ready.  I hope very soon, because I cannot wait.  I’m the world’s most impatient person and these kinds of things are hard to keep quiet, but I’ve been doing my best. ;)  It may end up being a while because I know B wants to surprise me with it, by asking me when I least expect it.  Just keep your fingers crossed that it will be soon and all will be well!

I’m just so happy today I could squeal!  The sky is blue, the bills are paid, and everything is going well.  It hasn’t always been easy, and I know it won’t always be easy, but I have a lot of good things to look forward to.  Like my trip to NYC, which is next month! 

Thank you all so, so much for your kind comments and emails on my last post.  What did I ever do without you guys, seriously?!

Like a kid on Christmas Eve

The last couple of times I sat down to update my blog, nothing has come out.  I just stare at the blinking cursor and think to myself what’s the point?  There’s just nothing all that interesting going on around here.

The weekend was good, but fast.  Friday night B and I caught a screening of Vantage Point, which I really liked.  I think I was the only one in the theater who did, judging by the moans of the audience every time it rewound time to the beginning of the shooting.  Saturday was a whole lot of errand running and preparing for hanging out with friends.  I felt so rushed, which I hate, but B had to get his hair cut.  I had to buy a gift for a friend.  Then there was the whole shower/exfoliate/shave/makeup/hair/outfit/accessories job to be done.  It was all worth it however, because the evening was great fun. 

Look, I’d really like to share pictures with you, but it would compromise my anonymity.  Even sharing pics with faces blurred makes me uncomfortable.  I do not want anyone to find out about my blog.  It’s my own little place to go and vent and be insecure if I need to be.  And if someone I knew read it, well I would fall apart and then my entries would become a lot like we went here and did this and omg i have so much laundry to do and wow my boyfriend is really great.  Shit, wait.  My blog is already like that right now.

Well, fuck.

Look, the real news?  I’m one impatient motherfucker.  I ain’t gonna lie.  No frontin’ round here, freaders.  And lately, all I can think about is getting engaged.  B jokingly said to me, two days ago, “you realize we’ve been doing this whole dating thing for 9 years?” and all of a sudden I felt really old and scared and I started thinking to myself what would my father say if he were still here?  He would certainly sit me down and say “honey, what are B’s intentions?”  Truth is, I know we’re getting engaged because we did the whole picking out engagement rings thing and well, he did tell me that “we’re getting down to the wire” which I guess means it’s coming soon.  Am I excited?  Hell yes!  But mostly I’m just impatient because ohmygod can we please get the show on the road so we can share the news with our family and friends?!?!  It’s all I can think about lately.  I even dream about it.  I try not to nag him because I know he’s working on it, and he’s got great taste and wants to get me a beautiful diamond.  I know what the setting looks like, but not the diamond, so yeah, I’m kind of eager to see it.  Lately, every time we make plans to do something or go somewhere, I find myself stressing out over what I’m wearing because what if it ends up being the time where he proposes?  Or if he’s acting strange and stressed out, I get all excited thinking it’s going to happen any second now, and then I get discouraged when it doesn’t.  He has no idea the amount of insanity going on up in my head because I keep it to myself, thankfully.  I haven’t even shared details with my one friend who does know, because that’s just tacky.

B did say to me on Friday, “I’m just having such a great day because I’m totally in love with my life right now.  I’m in a good place.”

I responded, “What has changed from, say, a week ago?”

“Lots of things.  I’m just excited and grateful, and I just want the rest of my life to start this very minute.  I want us to be together forever because you just make me so happy,” he explained.

I started to freak out.  I was totally having an inner monologue going on upstairs.

Holy shit, he’s going to ask me right now, right?  Right?  Maybe not.  He’s still going on about how happy he is.  Shouldn’t this be about US and how happy WE are?  He can’t possibly propose right now.  We’re in the car!  On the way to the movies!  No way. 

**2 minutes later**

Dammit, I really wish he’d just ask me!  This is driving me nuts!

He, of course, did not propose to me that night.  That’s okay.  It’s nerve-wracking, but it’s okay.  I’m just so impatient and I’m carrying around this massive secret about the whole ring thing and it’s becoming a giant block in my brain that I can’t get around.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when he finally does propose.  We have no major “plans” coming up any time soon.  Just our usual stuff.  I’m scared and excited and antsy all at the same time.  I think someone once said to enjoy it, because it goes by so fast, then it’s over.

But me?  I’m all about instant gratification.

Stressed.

I’m a huge ball of stress today.  I tossed and turned in bed last night, worried about a lot of things. 

Money.  Bills.  Debt.  Money.  Bills.  Debt.  Money.  Bills.  Debt.

I need a raise!  I have enough to pay my bills, but I’m not saving any money these days because I really can’t afford to.  I need every dollar I get to pay things, put gas in my car, get groceries, etc.

Worrying about money is never fun.  I feel like at my age, I should be better at this.  I should have some sort of substantial amount of money in savings for an emergency.  I shouldn’t be worrying about “what will I do if my car needs new tires?”  or “how am I going to pay for that dental work I need?”

I’m scared I’ll never get it together.  I don’t want to live like my parents did, always stressed out and fighting over money. 

I don’t know where this came from — it just hit me like a ton of bricks.  B and I need to refinance our house this year, and all the bad news about the mortgage crisis and rising rate of foreclosures is scary.  I don’t even like to listen to the news anymore. 

I know the only thing that’s going to make me feel better is if we go and start talking to someone about money.  We need a plan to start some kind of savings and start the process of refinancing so we can secure our future together.  Especially with our engagement pending (next month, I believe!), we definitely need to get money saved up, since we’ll be paying for our wedding entirely on our own.  It’s too much to think about.

I just want to be a kid again.

…and that is pretty fucking cool!

Scene:  Living room.  A Christmas tree is being decorated with lights and ornaments and ribbon.  Christmas music plays in the background.  The dogs are tearing the stuffing out of two toys.  Other than the music and the dogs, it’s relatively quiet.

__________

Me:  B, can you untangle those lights over there in that pile?  Plug them in and make sure they still light up.

B:  Sure.

He plugs them in to check them out, strand by strand, until all lights are accounted for.

B:  Hahahahahahaha.  Oh my god.  Hahahahahahaha.

Me:  What is so funny over there?  Haha.  Hahahahaha.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.

B:  I don’t know!  I just realized that I’m really, really happy and it’s a great feeling.

Me:  So you laughed?  You are so weird!

While we’re walking circles around the tree stringing on the lights, he stops to hug me.

B:  I’m not weird.  I just realized that this will be my last Christmas with you as my girlfriend.  Soon you’re going to be my fiance.  And that is pretty fucking cool.

Me:  Awww…I love you.  It is pretty fucking cool, isn’t it?

______________

Just about an hour later, after we’d finished the tree and had dinner, we sat on the couch together watching tv and staring at the Christmas lights.  It was then that I realized that life was perfect, right in that moment.  And that everything really was going to be okay.

And that is how I knew

An update:

For the 4 or so people who read my blog (haha)

(Tangent: If you’re out there reading and have never commented, say hi!  I got a few delurkers with my last post and it overjoyed me!)

Okay so my weekend was fantastic!  I gotta say, though…I was hella nervous on Saturday.  I even considered not going.  (I know, I know!)  I had butterflies in my stomach.  I think I was mostly nervous about how the salespeople were going to be.  As in, whether or not they would be friendly and helpful.  Truthfully, you know how most salespeople are at a jewelry store.  They find out that you’re “just looking” and you lose their attention.  They basically just show you what you point out, don’t offer suggestions, and generally can be quite rude.  I have to say, we had a great experience and it ended with a result so perfect I still can’t believe it myself.

Right off the bat, we were happy.  The store was beautiful and had a lot of options and variety to choose from.  We walked around and glanced at settings and talked it over with each other while waiting for the sales guy to come over.  He was very nice and went over options and logistics with us for a long time and I tried on a bunch of rings.  Immediately I decided on the one that I had seen before.  It was so much more beautiful in person.  I am in love with this ring!  The setting is 14k white gold with about 6 small diamonds on each side of the main diamond.  (The main diamond can be any shape you wish.  I told B he could decide on that detail.) Afterwards, just to be safe, I tried on many many other rings.  Rings that were just okay.  Rings that would be okay for someone else.  Beautiful rings that just weren’t me.  We both kept going back to THE RING.  Once I put it on, I just knew.  I looked over at B and he had a huge smile on his face.  Gary, the sales guy, said “I think you’ve found your ring.”  I was in total agreement.

B was so cute.  He was a little nervous but he talked business with the sales guy. (I will forever have a soft spot in my heart for him.  He was part of one of the best days ever for me in my whole entire life!)  We were in there for a long time.  After we had our questions answered and I had practically SQUEED all over the store (haha), we got his business card and walked outside.  I looked over and B had misty eyes.  Then my eyes teared up.  We hugged right there on the sidewalk in front of the store and kissed. 

B pulled away, brushed some hair out of my eyes and led me to the car.  Once we were sitting and we had both breathed out a huge sigh (of relief?  of excitement?  just happy that I had made a decision finally?), B said to me “are you sure that’s the setting you want?”

“Yes!  It’s beautiful and I love it and I didn’t want to take it off!”

“Okay, come with me.” He came around to my side, opened up the car door and held out his hand and led me back into the store.

“What are we doing?”  I was totally freaking out!

We walked back inside and I just stared around as the security guard looked at us and laughed.  He was probably thinking “we got a live one!”  B walked over to the customer service desk and said “Can I speak to Gary again, please?”

I stood there and said “B, what are we doing?  I thought you had all your questions answered!” But he just smiled and said “be patient.”

After a few minutes that felt like hours, Gary the sales guy came back over to us.  B wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in to his side tightly and said to Gary “I want to order that setting today.”

I almost fell out in the floor!

The setting that they had in the store was assembled together with a wedding band, and both rings were too big.  Gary fitted me for a ring and filled out some paperwork.  The vendor will assemble the setting and send it to the store.  In 4-6 weeks (!!!!!) the setting will arrive, at which time B will go to the store to select a diamond for it.  And shortly after that, I will have my ring!

I know, I seriously am in shock!  I was NOT expecting him to do anything of the sort.  I thought it was just a window shopping trip to try some on, get an idea, etc.  When I asked B why he decided to do this today, he said “I knew as soon as I saw your face when you put it on that it was the ring.  I don’t want to go anywhere else.  Nothing could ever light your face up the way that one did.  I love it too.  I want us both to love it.  I’m not going to wait any longer.”

As we sat there side by side, staring at this beautiful setting, my eyes started to tear up.  This was going to be the ring that I have on my hand for the rest of my life.  I put them both back on my left ring finger, one at a time, and then together.  B put his arm around me and said, “When the time comes, I think that should be the wedding band you get.  It’s beautiful.  It’s perfect for you.” 

After B signed his papers and paid for the setting, we set off for the rest of the day.  We did some Christmas shopping.  We had lunch together.  But the events of our morning were all I could think about.  I would randomly smile, then start laughing and shaking my head.  B would laugh at me and say “it’s all you can think about, isn’t it?”  It certainly was.  That, and the fact that it was finally happening.  It was REALLY happening!  I could hardly believe it. 

We’re not technically engaged yet.  That won’t happen until the ring is here.  That won’t happen until he gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him.  I decided I didn’t want to tell anyone because I want them to be surprised.  This is the best, juiciest secret I’ve ever had to keep in my entire life.  I feel like I’m walking around with this great piece of good news and it’s only for B and I to share.  Luckily, I have perfect strangers to share it with!  I was about to burst!

And that is how I knew that he was serious.  That is how I knew that he would be my fiance, and one day husband.  For better or worse.  In sickness and in health.  Just as soon as the ring is finished!

SQUEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He’s always made me laugh

The story of how we met begins longer ago than I’d like to admit.  B and I were 15 when we met for the first time.  We were sophomores in high school, on the verge of drivers licenses, first kisses, and several other firsts.  We didn’t hang out with the same types of people, so even though we’d been going to the same schools since sixth grade, we didn’t know each other.  I should be sending a monthly check to fate because if it wasn’t for 10th grade math class, I’d probably not be with him today. 

He sat behind me in algebra and I hated that class.  I used to stare at the door and pray for it to be over quickly and painlessly because let’s face it – I’m not so good at math!  I was coming out of a revolving door boyfriend scenario.  This one guy (let’s call him Asshole because let’s face it, he WAS an asshole) kept coming in and out of my life and I was tired of it.  You know, after all, things were so serious at 15.  I was intent on not having a boyfriend for a little while.  I was just about to turn 16, and I would get my drivers license, and that would enable me to drive around and find some “real men!”  But there he was, sitting behind me, and he would would always make me laugh.  I have this thing with laughter.  If you can make me laugh, I’m hooked.  It’s all over from there.

Add to that his gorgeous blue eyes and I was melting into a puddle on the floor!  That was just the beginning.

He had a girlfriend at the time and she was nothing like me.  I was a cheerleader, honor student, all around peppy perfectionist, and he was dating this tomboyish, softball player  shy girl.  There’s nothing wrong with any of those things, but SHE wasn’t anything like ME.  I tried to play it cool.  I was nursing a crush on another boy at the same time, so for once I put my future in fate’s hands and said “whatever happens, happens.” 

We became friends and we would talk.  He would help me out with my algebra assignments.  My teacher called me to his desk one day and said “You’re showing a lot of improvement.  Good job.”  I couldn’t help but think “yeah, no kidding” — only I wasn’t talking about my math skills.  I was talking about the boy. 

He would say and do the funniest things just to make me laugh.  And sooner than I expected, I had a full blown crush on this boy in an I’ve! got! to! have! you! kind of way.  Finally he asked me to be his girlfriend, and after he broke the heart of the softball player, it was a done deal. 

It was rocky at first.  I guess when your 15 year old dreams are realized, you get antsy.  We broke up.  We got back together.  Then I turned 16 and he kissed me after his soccer game, next to my car, while my friend sat in there switching back and forth through music.  And the next thing I knew, I was melting into a puddle right there in the parking lot.  This boy!  He could kiss!  And damn was he cute in his soccer uniform. 

The years since then have seen a lot of changes.  We broke up junior year, but got back together after the weekend I realized that I needed to stop playing games.  We met each other’s families.  We applied to college together.  We both got into the college we wanted, and we celebrated.  We went away to school together and through another dose of fate (or was it just pure dumb luck?), we landed in the same dorm on the same floor.  It was not as great as we imagined it would be–we fought a lot that year.  We each kissed other people and came clean about it.  He left school when his mom got sick with cancer, and he couldn’t bring himself to return to school.  We did the long distance thing for two years, and it was hard, but we survived.  The Sundays when we would part from our weekend visits were heartwrenching.  I’d cry the second I left his sight.  His mom died the fall of my senior year and I had to hold him up emotionally.  Three months later my dad died, and my world fell apart.  When I was too upset, too overwhelmed, and I wanted to take a leave of absence from school, he refused.  He came to my rescue –for the last 4 months of my college career, he paid my bills so that I could finish and make my dad proud.  The day I graduated and walked across the stage, not only were my mom and dad in my heart, but so was he, and as I smiled at him walking down the stage, I thanked God for letting me get to know this wonderful guy. 

We live together now in our house we bought last year, with two dogs and two cats.   We share more than square footage and furniture.  We share hopes and dreams and plans and lots of laughter.  Always lots of laughter.

But most importantly, there’s so much more left to share — accomplishments, promotions, raises, heartbreak, success, a wedding, and children.  Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that laughter is the best medicine and we always get through things by making each other laugh.  I can’t wait to laugh out loud with him for the rest of my life.