I’ve already blogged about my batshit-insane sister here.  But my friends, that is just the TIP of the iceberg.

To put it mildly, my oldest sibling (and therefore, matriarch of the family since our mom died) drives me to destruction.  At her everyday state, she makes me want to take tequila shots, stab my eyeballs out with a dull No. 2 pencil, and slowly tug all bodily hairs from the root at a snail’s pace.  At her best, she’s tolerable, even lovable, provided she’s taken her daily dose of anti-psychotic meds.

Lately, ever since her “affair” really, she’s just been the biggest pain in my ass.  Hell, not only my ass, but also towards her daughter, her husband, our other sister, and other general people who are unfortunate enough to cross her path.  She’s more egotistical, self-centered, and crass than ever.  Her mention of the affair to me drove a wedge between what was at best an already shaky sisterly relationship.  I just couldn’t get behind her decision to be manipulative, deceiving, and selfish.  I made no mistake with my stance on it either — I firmly told her that I loved her, but that I did not support her decision.  I felt that the least she could do was be honest with her husband and daughter, thereby limiting the amount of nuclear fallout once the truth was evident.  But she disagreed with my advice.

The affair carried on for months.  Exactly how long, who knows.  I got sporadic emails for a while until they tapered off.  Then, suddenly, one arrived with the news that she’d broken off the affair — and she didn’t want to talk about it.  She hoped I understood.  She said “Suffice it to say, he’s picked the wrong person to screw with.”  (Ed. Note:  My guess?   He finally realized just how totally crazy she is and he cut the cord before he could get in any deeper.  But that’s just my opinion…)  The phone calls between us became less and less frequent until all of a sudden, we hadn’t spoken a word in 2 months.  It was quite unusual, but I was busy with life and to-do lists, and then…B proposed.

She was my second phone call — after the first one to our other sister who is, by all accounts, much more sane and gracious — to share the news.  Her response?

“Wait, what?  He did?  Wait a second, do you actually have an engagement ring or did he just ask you without one?”

After I assured her that yes, I did indeed have an engagement ring, and yes, I could send her a picture text of it, she said to me:

“Well shit.  I have no news that could top that.”

My thought?  Why would you want to?  But I digress.

Her less than enthusiastic response, coupled with her less than stellar sisterly skills (she hurried off the phone and said she needed to get back to what she was doing) prompted me to just stop talking to her.  Why make the rounds of phone calls to people who will only drag you down?

Out of nowhere, this past weekend, I got a rather long-winded email from her.  For the first six paragraphs or so (but who’s counting?) of her relating her troubles, going on and on for kilobytes and kilobytes about her work conflict (there’s always a conflict with her), and finally saying “I’m so glad you’re FINALLY getting married” (her emphasis on Finally, not mine), she proceeded to start making wedding requests.  Such as “would it be okay if whoever escorts you down the aisle speaks up for [our other sister] and I?  Like, when the officiant says ‘who gives this woman away?’ could he answer ‘her sisters and I do?’” 

Ughhhhhhhhhhh

Afterwards, she proceeded to ask me if B and I would mind taking a trip to Maryland to help her re-tile her basement floors.

After picking my jaw up from the ground, it took me two days to just think of a decent response.  My choice?  I basically informed her that I would be escorting myself down the aisle — no need to have someone stand in our father’s rightful place — and that no, since they were not contributing to the wedding, they could not take credit for it.  As in, usually the response to the above referenced question indicates who is hosting the wedding.  Also, I totally ignored her request for help with the re-flooring.

A couple of years back, during one of the many times she gave me shit for not being engaged yet, she made a startling offer.  When I expressed worry over how B and I would ever be able to AFFORD a wedding, she said “I can’t speak for our other sister, but I’d love to help contribute to the cost of your wedding dress.”  I stored that little nugget away for later.

Now?  Just when I’ve dropped the SECOND mention on the cost of my wedding dress, she has decided to inform me “I’ve been on my own my whole life.  Get used to it.  Just do the best with what you’ve got.”  Yes, I can appreciate her advice, but I’m not crazy.  I didn’t IMAGINE the above conversation all those years ago.

I’m sorry, but it only makes sense that those who do not CONTRIBUTE don’t get to make RIDICULOUS REQUESTS.  My friends and bridesmaids say “She’s just not happy with her own life” or “She has a tendency to make everything about HER” or “I think she’s jealous of you and your happiness.”

And I say to them “She’s 44.  It’s time to GROW UP.”

I swear…eyeballs.  No. 2 pencil.  I’m just sayin’.

We laid there, on the couch — him on top of me, head resting on my chest.  I ran my fingers through his hair, then suddenly I just had to ask him a question.

“Can I ask you a rather offbeat question?”

“Sure.  Have at it,” B offered.

“When we’re laying here like this, with your head on my chest, what does this feel like to you?”

“You mean, you want me to put a feeling to it?” he asked.

“Well, yeah.  Like — how do I phrase this? — how does this make you feel?  Because for me, it makes me feel as though no matter what else is going on in my world right now, with me in your arms, I feel protected.  Like there’s this big, strong guy who won’t let anything hurt me,” I offered.

“I see.  Well, for me, it’s actually kind of the complete opposite.  This makes me feel like I don’t have to be this big, strong guy.  Like I can let my guard down and just relax.  Because you’re here with me.”

I practically melted. 

“Awww, I like that.  But I love you even more.”

This engagement/marriage business?  It’s all smooth sailing from here, folks.

Scene:  Living room, evening.  The sun has still not set, but all evidence points to the day winding down.  A girl and boy sit, engrossed with each other, legs wrapped up together on the couch, lazily watching television.

**ring ring**

“Ugh.  Could you hand me that, babe?  What time is it?” I ask B.

“7:59.  It’s some random number.  I don’t recognize it.”  He hands me the phone.

“Hmm…I’m not sure.”  Against my better judgment, I answer the phone.  “Hello?”

“Hi, CP.  I’m sorry to bother you at home, but I can’t get this document to print correctly!  It keeps printing garbled information on the side of the page.”  It’s my boss, calling to ruin my otherwise calm night.

Seriously?  It’s 8:00.  This isn’t exactly what I would refer to as an “emergency.”  My blood begins to course quickly through my veins, spurned on by a heart pumping faster and faster due to anger.

I try to trouble-shoot for my boss.  I don’t know what the problem is.  It was fine on my computer earlier in the day.  As in, you know, when I was actually at work.  As in, not at home, ON MY FREE TIME. 

Nothing works.  I try to stay calm, keeping my voice in even tones, and attempting to find a solution that makes us both happy (Her:  getting the problem solved as quickly as possible.  Me:  getting off the damn phone.)  After I offer up my suggestion (”I will try to get this fixed as soon as possible, first thing in the morning.”) she proceeds to yell at me over the phone.  I can hear her getting angrier and angrier, more stressed out by the second. 

“CP, in an ideal world, you would have discovered this problem earlier today.  You would have fixed it!  I wouldn’t be sitting here at 8:00 at night trying to fix it myself for the next hour!”

It was right at that moment that something inside me snapped.  Internally, I was all: In an ideal world, I wouldn’t work for such a heartless, cruel person.  In an ideal world, my boss wouldn’t call me at home at 8:00 at night over something that can easily be fixed the next morning.  In an ideal world, I’d be making more money than I am.  In an ideal world, I’d weigh 115 pounds for pete’s sake!!!!!!!!!!!

I managed to maintain my calm demeanor.  I assured her I’d get it fixed.  She hung up.  I hung up.  Then I exploded into tears.

The aftermath:  Upon arriving at work yesterday, I discovered that there was an internal error within the document itself, originating with the person who created it.  This person works in the legal department and was able to get me a fixed copy well ahead of her scheduled meeting.  The customer was not even aware that there was a problem.  He wrote me back and thanked me for getting him the contract, and included a friggin’ smiley face!  You’d have thought the world was going to come crashing down, judging from the way she reacted.

This is not the first time she’s treated me like a complete idiot.  And I’m sure it won’t be the last.  No job is worth the tears.

I know I said that I promised this would not turn into a wedding-only blog, but the frustration is already starting to set in, and it’s only been four weeks.

Four weeks, people.  That’s a problem.

The good thing is, it has nothing to do with B.  Or with me.  Or with us as a couple.  We’re still busy basking in the glow of being engaged, calling each other “fiance” every 2.5 seconds, and snuggling to our hearts content while discussing color options and locations and cake flavors, etc.  It’s everyone else around us that sucks.

For one:  our families.  Granted, I’m without parents, so we’re already starting off behind everyone else.  Without the bride’s parents to foot most of the bill, we’re already thinking of ways to scrimp and save and get it done.  However, B’s father is still alive, and he has not even discussed giving us any money.  I’d pretty much decided to look at it as “well, what did you expect?!” and chalk it up to us doing this on our own so that we wouldn’t end up disappointed, but it does bother me that he pays several of his other children’s expenses and has never extended a helping hand to B.  It’s been like this for all of B’s life.  It’s unfair, and it hurts him, which in turn hurts me.

For two:  bridal party members and those that aspire to be.  Really, I feel honored that a lot of people wanted to be featured in the bridal party, but not everyone can be included.  One of my girlfriends actually STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME JUST BECAUSE I DIDN’T ASK HER TO BE A BRIDESMAID.  I’m just gonna give you a second to absorb that little enjoyable fact.

…

Back to the whole Maid of Honor dilemma:  I’d been toying with the idea of having two, so that I could have my closest friend, and my childhood best friend both included and feeling important.  Well, to make a long story short, before I could get around to making a final decision (as well as deciding on how to best delicately break the news either way), my best friend spilled the beans to the other friend.  It was awkward to say the least, and my childhood best friend ended up telling me how hurt and disappointed she was, etc.  That’s when I told her about how I’d been thinking of having two, but just hadn’t decided exactly how to do it.  She seemed to lighten up, so that’s what we decided on.  I spilled it to the original MOH who was gracious and understanding.  Have you ever heard the argument “If it makes someone else feel better, and it doesn’t hurt anyone in the process, then what harm can be caused?”  Yeah, that’s what I used to make this decision.  Spare the feelings of one to spare my own, in a way.  Only now, the second MOH is behaving in a way that justifies my original intentions.  Let me explain:

On the day that we were to go check out bridal gowns and bridesmaids gowns, I told everyone a time to meet.  She was 35 minutes late.  She’s always late.  This is turn made us late for meeting the other girls.  It started the day off slowly, and we had a lot of ground to cover.  We ended up making it work somehow, but I was very frustrated.  I never get to see her, because she’s so busy following her boyfriend around and doing everything he wants to do, that she never has time for anything else.  And a more recent example:  She had asked me what we were doing for the 4th of July, so I told her (friends, lake, cooking out, fireworks) and she seemed like she wanted an invitation.  So I extended one.  Only she bailed and didn’t show up because her boyfriend didn’t want to.  She didn’t tell me she wasn’t coming until after 4 pm.  After I’d bought extra food.  How in the hell is this going to work out when, as it gets closer and closer to the wedding, we need to spend our weekends taking care of things?  My other MOH?  She’s the one keeping ME in line.  She’s discussed timelines, finances, menu options, as well as ways to save money.  And another girlfriend, who is not even in the bridal party, has offered to be my unofficial wedding planner!  I guess I’m lucky in the fact that some friends are really stepping up to the plate to help, when I’m without a mother to help me.  But it’s the other friends, the ones who feel entitled, who disappoint me with their general lack of consideration that I can focus on, and nothing else.  Ugh…just thinking about all of this hurts my feelings, and quite truthfully, offends me.  I’m going to sound like a total bitch here, but right now, I’m thinking “how did you think you’d beat out my other girlfriend to be the MOH when I never see you, you never have time to hang out, and you’re always so stuck up your boyfriends ass that we go months — MONTHS — without seeing each other, despite my invitations and attempts to see you?!” (Also, I get the distinct impression she’s upset about the fact that B has decided not to have her boyfriend as a groomsman– despite the fact that they never talk anymore, and B doesn’t trust him.  See…again with the everyone wanting to be included!)

**deep breath**

Then…then there’s the girlfriend of B’s likely Best Man.  I saw the couple this weekend at a friend’s house.  Over wine, she asked me who B was having in his bridal party.  I told her that it wasn’t all worked out yet because it’s a big decision, and B HATES big decisions.  She not-so-slyly asked me “Is he thinking about having [her boyfriend] as his best man?” 

“It’s possible.” (Yes.)

“Well, I really hope he doesn’t ask him to be his Best Man.  I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“What?  Why?” (WTF?!?!)

“Well, they’ve only been friends for just over a year.  And I don’t think [her boyfriend] wants to be in that much of a responsibility role…  Plus he doesn’t want to come in between B and his other friends.”

“Well, I can’t speak for B.  It’s his decision to make, and I’m not going to tell him to not ask him to be his Best Man.  If he wants to ask him, then he can.  Frankly, it’s an honor, but if he chooses not to do it for whatever reason, I’m sure B will understand.”

Later on, I was standing in the kitchen, pouring myself yet another glass of wine, and thinking quite intently.  It this some sort of coup?  Is she trying to make me go to B and tell him to change his mind?  Why wouldn’t he want to do this for B?  They’re good friends, they trust each other, and…and…wait a second.  Is this about her not being a bridesmaid?  But wait, she once told me she HATED being a bridesmaid and never wanted to do it again!  I don’t get it…she’d still be invited to the shower, the bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the reception, etc.  Didn’t she once scowl when I explained to her that yes, if he did end up being the Best Man, he would indeed have to walk down the aisle with my best friend, upon the end of the ceremony?  Didn’t I tell her once that it’s no big deal, it’s “ten seconds in a lifetime” and “plus you love [MOH]” and “it’s only ten god damn seconds in a lifetime?!”

Just then, the potential Best Man walked into the kitchen.  Putting aside all pretense and bullshit, I flat-out asked him “Just so we’re clear — I’m not asking you to be the Best Man.  But let’s say for one second that he did in fact ask you to be his Best Man.  How would you respond?  Because I don’t want him to have his feelings hurt if you’re not interested.”

“What?  I’d be honored!  And of course I’d say yes.  We’ve already discussed this in the past, when B first told me he wanted to propose to you.  And I told him to think about it, but that if he was sure of his decision, I’d be more than happy to do it.  I’d be thrilled.”

Someone’s lying to me.

This, my friends, is just some of the reasons that weddings?  THEY CAN BLOW ME.

Is it bad that I’m already on the whole “we should just elope” bandwagon?!

I’m going to skip the pleasantries and get right down to it.

1.  WTF is up with rude ass salespeople?  Why is it always the hard sell?  Why can’t I ask you any questions?  Why can’t I get a word in edge-wise?  AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE I’M A STUPID, YOUNG, CHILDISH IDIOT WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AT ALL EVER?!  Go to hell.

2.  WTF is up with people having no manners?  Whatever happened to saying “Hi, how are you?” and then actually WAITING TO HEAR THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION?!  If you don’t want to know how I’m doing, well then motherfucker, don’t bother asking.

3.  WTF is up with my fiance’ not answering his cell phone today?  Now come on, baby, you’ve improved at this skill, even (GASP!) calling me first most of the time, but why today?  Why now?  Why, when I’m already having a bad day do you decide to not answer any of my couple (several, thousand, whatever) phone calls?  ANSWER YOUR GOD DAMN PHONE.

4.  WTF is up with the housing market?  You know, not that we want to sell right now, because we don’t, but we’d really like to refinance.  Our interest rate is higher than it should be, and with the government having lowered interest rates repeatedly over this year in order to help homeowners out, and since our credit scores have improved, we would really like to get it lowered.  Only, it costs so much money to refinance!  AND, housing values have fallen, leaving us wondering if we’ll even be able to get our house appraised for enough $ to get a refinance.  We’ve only been there two years, and we lost our equity in the home when the housing values fell.  WHY THE FUCK CAN’T WE JUST GET A NEW PRESIDENT NOW SO THAT HE CAN HELP ALLEVIATE HOMEOWNERS PAIN?!  GAH!

5.  WTF is up with my boss wanting me to do 1.9 million things?!  My job description ain’t got NOTHIN’ on my actual job duties.  I was LIED TO.  I was DECEIVED.  My work load has increased so dramatically that it’s official:  There.Aren’t.Enough.Hours.In.The.Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (You:  And yet here you are, blogging on WordPress, as if that’s going to alleviate the situation.  Me:  Shut up.)

Ijustwanttogohomeandcrawlunderthecoversandnotcomeoutuntilit’s2009.  So much for 2008 being better.

It sucks balls right now.

tact

a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense

* * * * * * * * *

On Friday, as B and I were headed out to run some errands and pick up some dinner, he mentioned that he had run into a former friend of his.  This former friend just so happens to be the boyfriend of a friend of mine.  They never had a falling out, but they grew apart, based on the fact that they seemed to have less and less in common as time wore on.

“What did he have to say?” I asked.

“Well, actually, he had more questions than anything,” B explained.

Among those questions he asked, he had the BALLS to include the following:

“How much did you spend on [CP]’s ring?”

“How long did you have to save for it?”

“Did you finance any of it?”

As B explained this story to me, I could feel the bile rising in my throat.  Not only is it completely RUDE to ask such questions of a FRIEND, it’s even more tactless to ask them of a former friend of yours who you barely speak to.  Most of my friends (all but one) have not asked such questions, because obviously they have class.  The one friend who did ask me something in line with this actually had the nerve to ask me what size my center diamond is.  She’s also the friend who dates the tactless guy referenced above.  I graciously shared the information with her, but felt a little unnerved by it.  I would never ask anyone, not even my closest friends, this kind of information.  I feel it shows a general lack of manners. 

I was so put off by the whole thing that I could not get my mind off of it for the rest of my Friday evening.  And I’ll be damned if someone ruins the best day of the week for me and gets away with it!  Grrrrrrrr.

Let’s talk for a second about wedding related nightmares.

I’d heard it before — that as soon as you get engaged, you start having wedding related nightmares that don’t stop until after the wedding.  I brushed it off and thought “must be insecurities showing through.”  But oh no, they definitely occur.  I’ve had three so far, and it hasn’t even been three weeks!

The first one was standard.  After months and months of planning a beautiful, exciting wedding, B changed his mind.  My maid of honor was the one to bring me the most unfortunate news that I would not be getting married that day.  Refusing to take her word as truth, I marched myself down a long hallway, flung open the chapel doors, and found…approximately 100 people staring at me silently, looks of abject horror, mixed with pity, upon their faces.  I slowly walked up the aisle, searching for B, but he was nowhere to be found.

The second was rather comical.  At the Wedding Of My Dreams, everything was going beautifully.  We had indeed made it down the aisle together, said our vows in front of our closest family and friends, and were enjoying a beautiful and fun reception.  I went searching for the photographer to tell him something important, when it hit me.  I’d forgotten to hire one!  Immediately I found my bridal party and informed them that we would all need to stop the party and find a photographer pronto.  Cue immediate Google Search for skilled, yet available, photographer to come document the reception and an emergency re-enactment of the ceremony.  Only I couldn’t find any contact information for ANY photographer, let alone a skilled and available one.

And finally, last night’s feature.  I crossed a street in a hurry, followed closely by a male coworker.  Upon reaching the sidewalk, we dumped my bag out into the grass and began frantically searching through its contents.  Finally, I found what I was looking for:  my engagement ring, or rather, the diamond setting to my engagement ring.  It had broken off and was floating around in my purse.  The band still on my finger, I yanked it off and flung open the doors to the jewelry store in anger.  I quickly informed the salesperson of what had happened — that this was the THIRD time my setting had fallen apart — and that I demanded a new ring, with the same diamond as before, re-set in a new band in front of my eyes.  The salesperson just laughed and said to me “Ma’am, in these situations, we suggest installing floor to ceiling mirrors in your home so that you can see your diamond at all times.  Then it won’t be lost.”  The look on her face seemed to say “duh, COMMON SENSE.”  I flung my arms in the air, turned around, and yelled to everyone in the store “OF COURSE!  Floor to ceiling mirrors will make me aware of SHITTY CRAFTSMANSHIP!”

Seriously, wtf?  Especially the last one.

I woke up this morning in a haze, B shaking me awake, and I desperately searched my ring finger.  There it was, sitting perfectly, and without flaw.  I’d never been so relieved to wake up in my life.

I don’t know what this is all about, but I will say:  being engaged also has its downsides.  Namely, the totally paranoid, stressed, overactive part of your imagination kicks into play.

But other than that?  It’s fucking fantastic.

Being engaged has all sorts of perks.  For one, the beautiful bling on my finger that I can’t stop staring at.  Wait a second, speaking of beautiful bling: 

There it is!  I managed to get my total P.O.S. camera to take one picture, but you’ll have to excuse the quality.  It’s kind of hard to tell what it looks like because it is just SO! DAMN! SPARKLY!, but this will have to do.  Also, excuse the veiny-hand.  I’m a little veinier than most people

But where was I?  Oh, that’s right, the PERKS.

Aside from the whole beautiful piece of jewelry thing, there’s the whole matter of people asking to see it.  Thank God my ring is beautiful because I love showing it off.  Also, while I’m just at the tip of the iceberg when it comes to planning an actual wedding, it’s fun to think about.  I’ve been checking out websites for locations, dresses, color schemes, etc, and it is just so much fun.  It’s also a great way to fend off gross men who are checking me out.  I just find a strategic way to subtly “flip my hair”, meanwhile, flashing my ring, and they automatically look away.  It’s really quite helpful!

But alas, I am about to make my dear freaders a promise.  I promise that Chasing Paradise won’t turn into just another wedding-related blog.  So many great bloggers lost sense of anything else to write about and started only writing about engagement parties, wedding dresses, guest lists, etc, and really, I just lost interest.  Even now, with me being engaged myself (and therefore, the topics on their blogs being of more interest to me than they were before), I wish they would continue to write about other things.  So there you have it.  A promise from me that I will attempt to stay down-to-Earth, non-bridezilla style.  I’m sure I’ll still blog about certain things to do with the wedding, but here’s to hoping it won’t be to the point that I drive my own readers away.

I contemplated writing about Father’s Day, and how last Friday also marked the anniversary of my mother’s death, but really, I don’t have the mental capacity right now to go there.  I spent Friday like I would have spent any other day:  working, then running errands.  Sunday we spent the day at B’s father’s house with his family.  It was a beautiful day to be outside, and we had a great time.  Of course I thought about my father, but not to the extent that I normally do.  Perhaps, I don’t know, my heart is healing and my recent engagement has served as a stepping stone to a happier place in my life?

Whoa, that’s deep.

That’s not to say I think that now I’m engaged, my life is all roses and chocolates all the time! (Although B did bring home chocolates yesterday.  Why?  Because I was having a bad day.  I tell you, he’s a keeper!)  No siree, it’s not that having a fiance’ (God I love saying that word) makes me feel as though I’m complete.  No way.  I was complete before.  I was a whole, 100% complete and vested woman.  I’ve always stood on my own, supporting myself, and believing in myself.  No, it’s not about that.  You know what it is?  It’s that feeling that I’m going to marry my best friend that makes me feel as though all is right in the world.  That even while he’s incredibly sexy, terrifically funny, and totally charming, he’s also a good person.  And he’ll be there for me when I need him the most.  Perhaps that part of me that felt as though there was no “man” looking out for her (no dad, no brother) was finally laid to rest.

This blog post is a complete contradiction from what I intended it to be, but that’s okay.  Such is life, sometimes.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the future and what it all means for me.  And I’ve decided that while I can’t fully decide on what I want to do, and who I want to be, I do know that I desire to be happy.

And that’s enough.  At least, for now.

On Sunday, June 1, he picked up my ring from the store, and afterwards hung out for the day with me and my bff and her boyfriend.  I had no idea that he’d picked up the ring, and it’s a good thing because I probably would have driven him crazy if I had known! For the next several days, B lined up plans for the proposal. On Tuesday, June 3, he called my boss, having met her several months before, to tell her of his plans and to ask her permission for me to have Friday off. Luckily, my boss agreed to it! On Friday, June 6, B mischievously set the clock forward by an hour. I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, and when I turned to check the time, I was surprised to see him still in bed.

“What time is it?” I asked him.

He pretended to be surprised, saying “Oh shit, it’s already 7:20!”

Thinking I was an hour late, I jumped out of bed and started running around trying to get ready quickly. While doing this, I noticed that he wasn’t in a hurry at all.

“Don’t you think you should hurry up and get out of here? You should have been at work 20 minutes ago!”

B then proceeded to ask me if I thought we should just take the day off.  Not knowing I was interrupting his plans, I proceeded to check my cell phone.

Noticing the correct time, I said “You must have accidentally set the clock when you tried to set the alarm! It’s only 6:20.”

I stood there, fiddling with my cell phone, attempting to turn off the alarm, as it was going to start going off in a few minutes.  I kept looking at him out of the corner of my eye, because he was acting so unusual.  He was mostly walking around aimlessly, looking as though he was going to pass out or throw up.  (Looking back in retrospect, he was probably nervous as hell.)  B took the phone out of my hands and laid it on the dresser. He took my left hand in his two hands, and started to tell me how much he loves me. 

I noticed he was acting strange, and said “What’s wrong with you? You’re acting weird!”

B just laughed and said “Let me finish, babe!” He proceeded to tell me that actually, we both already had the day off, and that he was hoping I’d spend my day, and the rest of my life, with him as his wife. Then he got down on one knee, presented me with an amazing ring, and said “[CP], will you marry me?” Of course I said yes, and then promptly burst into tears. He’d hate to admit it, but he proceeded to cry as well! Then they started laughing at each other, in typical fashion.

[Later on, I asked him how he managed to pull this off.  The night before, he worked really late and didn't get home until nearly 11 p.m.  I immediately went to bed, having slept for a few hours on the couch while waiting for him to get home.  He apparently stayed up until nearly 4 in the morning, nervous about what was coming.  He says he heard me stirring around 6 and decided to get the ring out of the closet, where he'd hidden it.  He ended up placing it under his pillow.  When I hopped out of bed, he put it in his pocket.]

Afterwards, we called my family, whose reaction wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for.  Instead of being super excited, they seemed shocked and as if they didn’t really believe me.  I was actually asked ”Wait, did he actually give you an ACTUAL ENGAGEMENT RING?”

**Cue blank stare and exasperated expression**

I immediately took a picture of it with my cell phone (since my own digital camera decided to die a few weeks ago) and sent it via picture text to both of my sisters.  My niece, on the other hand, who is six years younger than me, was very excited and thrilled for us.  On the way to breakfast that morning, I called my two closest girlfriends and told them.  They seemed a little surprised, but very excited after the initial shock wore off.  We spent the day together, just taking it easy, running some errands, and hanging out.  We had a wonderful dinner that night, complete with a bottle of wine and two desserts. (I think the diet goes out the window the day you get proposed to!)  I was really happy.  I still am really happy.  I still catch myself looking at the ring and thinking “wait a second, this is really happening!”

There have been a few minor disappointments along the way.  In the 10 days since B asked me to marry him, we’ve really found out who our true friends are.  Some of his friends had nothing to say upon hearing the news.  Some of them refused to say anything to him at all.  It’s been a little upsetting for both of us…  After all, you imagine that everyone will be thrilled for you.  You imagine everyone asking to see the ring, asking you when you’ll get married, etc.  A girlfriend of mine actually never asked to see my ring, and took nearly an hour of us hanging out to ask me how I felt about the news.  I’d been considering her for a bridesmaid, but her reaction immediately nixed that idea.  She actually had the nerve to say “well you guys have been together so long that I don’t think anyone would be really shocked about it.”  Umm, excuse me, what?

**awkward silence**

But in general, aside from being a huge lesson to B and I on who we want, and need, in our lives, we’ve had a blast.  We’ve selected the members of our bridal party.  We have tentatively set the date for next October, depending on locations and how fast they book up. 

I’ve had to make a very tough decision on who to choose as my maid of honor.  There’s my friend, M, who has been my friend since we were 8 years old.  I love her dearly, but she’s having a baby in October…right when I need to start planning.  Plus, I don’t really get to see her that much as it is.  I’ve seen her a handful of times since January 1.  She’s always really busy, and her boyfriend makes it difficult for us to hang out because he is never okay with her having a life of her own.  The biggest thing is the baby.  She’s going to be a mommy!  With an infant!  And with me not having a mother to help me plan this shin-dig, I need my MOH to be someone who has the time and patience to whip my ass into shape.  That’s where my bff comes in.  We’ve been friends for nearly 6 years, and in that time, she’s really become more like family to me.  I talk to her several times a day.  I see her usually once a week, if not every other weekend.  She’s never afraid to call me out on my bullshit, which I respect, but she’s the first one who call me up on the Friday before Father’s Day, and ask me to spend that day with her.  Knowing how sad I get because of my own dad being gone, she never wants me to be alone.  This year, her father was in town visiting her.  Due to her difficult relationship with him, she was stressed out, but she made sure to check in with me yesterday and see how I was doing.  That’s just the kind of friend she is.  Plus she’s already sent me ideas on places to get married, places to go dress shopping, etc.  And she suggested we get a timeline together.  I really think she’s going to do a fantastic job…I just need to tell my friend M about my decision.  I’m so scared of hurting her feelings.  It’s not anything personal, but I just know that my bff will have more time and energy to devote to helping me out.  If any of you have any ideas on how to do this graciously, please, let me know.  I could use all your help.

Mostly I’m just excited to start planning!  I bought The Bride’s Year Ahead, had my engagement ring insured, and set up a site on TheKnot.com.  There is a ton of stuff to do, starting with finding a location.  Hopefully B and I will get on that pretty quickly.

Everyone has been asking to see a pic of my ring, but it’s hard because I still haven’t bought a replacement digital camera since mine bit the dust.  I’m working on it…but I can give you a pretty good description.  It’s a white gold band with a round brilliant cut center stone.  There are five smaller diamonds (similar to a channel setting) on either side of the center stone.  The main diamond is completely colorless and without flaws.  It’s so sparkly and beautiful and I can hardly believe it.  Now I’m determined to go home and bang my camera to hell until it will take a least one suitable pic to show you.  Hopefully I’ll get this post updated with it soon.

Thank you so much for all the kind words and well wishes.  You guys are the best!

Ladies and Gents (are there any gents out there?!):

I am ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B asked me to marry him on Friday at 6:30 in the morning.  I’ll fill you in on the details soon, including a picture of my beautiful, breathtaking, sparkly ring just as soon as I can.  I just got back into town from being out of town for work.  I’ve got a lot to catch up on (including your blogs!) and it’s hard to stay focused when I can’t stop staring at my left ring finger. :) 

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been In. My. Entire. Life.  Things are so good right now, you have no idea!