So.  We’ve been married for one month today. 

You know what’s great about life as a newlywed?  Lots of things:  I can’t stop calling him husband, or giggling flirtatiously when he calls me “wifey”.  It really does feel different.  I’m more in love with him than I’ve ever been.  We finally feel like our own little family.  We have lots of friends that support us and call us “Mr. and Mrs.”, which I can’t get enough of.  We still reminisce about the wedding day.  We’re happy.

You know what’s not so awesome about being a newlywed?  ALL THE QUESTIONS.

Are you keeping your maiden name?  Are you filing joint taxes?  Did you combine your bank accounts?  Does your husband want you to quit your job now?

First of all, whoa.  Second of all, mind your own business.  And finally – really?  What is this?  1955?

But the one question that really, REALLY gets under my skin and also kind of makes me nervous?

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY?

(And when someone asks me that, it really does feel like that – all bold and caps lock-ish.)

I kind of feel like sitting back, taking a big motherfucking sip of my wine and saying “you know, not that it’s any of your business, but – wait, yeah – it’s just not any of your business.”

I know people mean well.  I know they are just curious.  It’s just whoa.  Like, all of a sudden, because we finally up and got married and made this relationship legal, it’s like the next thing we have to do is hop into bed naked and seriously make a baby. 

And it’s all around me.  Girlfriends getting knocked up.  Having cute kids.  Kids that I love and adore.  Kids that I like to give back to mom and dad when they start to cry.

And this is all to say – sure, I’d like children.  Definitely one.  Maybe two.  Probably not anymore than that.  I know that I really want a girl, so we’ll try again if my first is a boy.  But you know what?  I’m just not ready.  Neither is my husband.  We’ve talked about it, and we both agree that we have other things we would like to do first, and we’re fine with that.

But deep down inside, part of me wonders – do I just not want a baby now or do I never want a baby?

Here’s the thing.  I know I’m going to be the most miserable, frustrated, cranky pregnant person ever.  I don’t like feeling bloated.  Or nauseous.  And I hate it when I have PMS-y symptoms like sore breasts.  I have a minor case of scoliosis that causes a lot of back discomfort naturally, so can you imagine adding baby weight on top of it?  I do not want to get fat.  Or swollen.  I don’t look forward to “pregnancy mask” – I am too old for zits.  And the worst thing?  (You know, besides the weight gain and possibility of hemorrhoids – yuck!)  YOU GET TO FEEL LIKE THAT FOR 40 WHOLE WEEKS.

And then, the baby comes and it cries.  And you don’t know what it wants.  I don’t even know what colic is, let alone why it’s so awful.  If you want to breastfeed (and trust me, I would – formula is damn expensive!), you have to deal with leaky breasts when you least expect it.  Plus, babies are super expensive.  And that would get in the way of my shoe and handbag addiction.  And you can forget about spontaneous after-dinner drinks with the girls.  Or impromptu shopping trips “just because”.  Because seriously, babies take a long time to get ready for things, and they require a massive amount of shit to accompany them anywhere.

Sure, there are lots of things about babies that I love.  They are cute.  And when my best friend’s son gives me hugs and kisses, I practically melt into a puddle inside.  They’re funny sometimes.  And snuggly.  And they smell great.

So that’s why I’m a little nervous.  I know that I’m not ready now, but I’m not sure that I’ll ever be ready.  And I don’t know how I feel about that.

Looking back at our wedding, all the other brides were right:  everything happens so fast – it’s all a blur, and then it’s done.  You sit there stunned when it’s all over, and think “did that really just happen?”

So where we left off last – the ceremony was over. 

We took pictures with our families and our bridal party.  As our guests milled about, getting drinks and eating appetizers, I looked around to see who was there.  And the one person I didn’t see?  B’s mom.  So in between shots, I asked him what happened.  He said she didn’t come – she gave him some lame excuse about not being able to make it.  He didn’t seem that bothered by it.  But I was relieved.  Not having to deal with her meant that I could really have fun and not stress over an awkward encounter. 

We entered our reception to “The Way You Make Me Feel” by Michael Jackson.

(I’m still awaiting the digital version of photos from the photographer, so these are the best I can show you right now.)

We were seated at our sweetheart table in front of the fireplace to eat some appetizers and have a drink while people got settled at their tables.

This picture was taken by a friend while set-up was being done.  The tables are missing their runners, which were a damask print – black on white.

A centerpiece and table number.

Then it was time for table hellos.  We made our way from table to table, greeting the people who had come to support us.  I grabbed a glass of water (I was extremely dehydrated!) and mingled about, talking to friends, family, and coworkers.  Eventually, we were seated to enjoy our salads.  Then, it was time for the first dance.  We danced to “Only You Can Love Me This Way” by Keith Urban, and neither one of us particularly enjoyed being in the spotlight for more than three minutes.  But, it was sweet, and B whispered sweet nothings into my ear to make me laugh.  At one point, he stuck his butt out and shook it, then played mine like a guitar.  I think everyone enjoyed a little bit of humor in such an emotional moment.

We were seated again to enjoy brie en crute with raspberries, poached asparagus, goat cheese, crackers, bruschetta and crab dip.  Everyone was served their entree (I had the steak pasta with gorgonzola cheese and roasted tomatoes – B had the chicken marsala).  I enjoyed being at a small table alone with B.  It gave us a chance to speak privately and marvel over the day’s events.  From time to time, people would come over to our table to say hello and tell us how beautiful everything was. 

After dinner was over, I was more than ready to hit the dance floor.  We got it started with “Just Dance” by Lady Gaga, and then it flowed into a medley of other hits, some of which reminded me and my girlfriends of our college days!

There was so much dancing and laughing and toasting.  I was encircled by my girlfriends during some old-school Madonna.  We danced to Shout! and I got as low as I could in my wedding dress.  I laughed as I watched B get raised up in the air by some family and friends, then down a drink.  And at one point I caught him staring at his wedding ring with a huge smile on his face.

Then, before we knew it, it was time for speeches and cake cutting.  My two maids of honor went to the front, looking nervous and one of them took a quick swig of her red wine before starting.  They said lovely things about their friendship with me, and of B and I as a couple.  Then, at the end, my favorite moment:  they thanked him for always taking such great care of me, and for always being “the man among women”. 

A friend of B’s, not his best man as the original best man dropped out, stood up to give a speech.  He was holding the microphone upside down, so everyone laughed and corrected him.  But then, he gave the absolute best speech I’ve heard.  He started off by saying that he met B hanging upside down ten feet into a hole.  Their jobs involve this on a daily basis.  He went on to talk about friendship and having someone to pull you out of your darkest holes, and that he was lucky to have that in B, and that he knew that B would do a great job of doing the same for me, and of taking care of my  heart.  I’d managed to not shed a single tear all day, but that just about ruined me!

After hugs and cheers, it was time to cut the cake.  I just knew I’d end up with cake on my face, and I did!  I begged him not to, claiming “it will ruin my makeup!” but he didn’t care.  And in the end, I didn’t either.  There was a moment where I went in to carefully place cake in his mouth and changed my mind and stuffed it up his nose.  We laughed and kissed to cheers.

I finally grabbed a glass of champagne and enjoyed it thoroughly, before going to the bar to grab a second!

And, faster than I ever saw it coming, we started to close things up with the bouquet toss (to “Single Ladies” by Beyonce, naturally) and the garter toss.  My best friend’s mom caught the bouquet!

And luckily, my boss had left by the time the following happened:

I just absolutely love the look on my face.  I’d asked him to be nice, but he IS a man!  And he’d just behaved so well during the entire day.  So of course, as “Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC came in, he went in to remove my garter, with his teeth.

Our friends and family formed two lines on either side of the doors and sent us off into the night.  When we reached the truck, we found it decorated by my two maids of honor.  Gifts were piled high in the backseat, and we made our way to the hotel.  We met up with some friends in a room to chat and hang out with those who we didn’t get to speak much to at the wedding.  I had a glass of wine and B had a few beers before we made our way to the suite for the night.

And, most humorously, our night ended as I never would have expected – with B passed out on the bed, and me in a robe, professional makeup, and earrings, eating a to-go box and cake, watching Bride Wars.

When we woke up in the morning, I rolled over and kissed my husband good morning, and pulled back the curtains to let the sunshine in.  We’d done it.  It was all over, and it was an amazing relief.  Now, it was time to go home and pack for the honeymoon!

We were led through the door and down a shaded path toward the gardens.  I could hear the music playing and the sounds of anxious people waiting to see us make our appearance.  I heard laughter, sniffling, murmurs, and shuffling about.  I could hear the click-click of the girls’ heels as they made their way down the sidewalk.  My coordinator was holding the train of my dress and helping me make my way toward the arbor.

All of a sudden, I started to sweat.  This happens to me when I get really, really nervous.  First, my palms got wet.  Then my cleavage felt damp.  Then – oh no! – my armpits.  Oh God, what do I do now?

My bridesmaids gathered in a group near the arbor, and a couple started to cry. 

My coordinator said to me “Are you ok?  I have to leave you here, by yourself now.  I’ll be right up there instructing the girls on what to do.”

“Yes, I’m ok.”

I started to walk in small circles, fanning my armpits.  So classy, Stac!

Then, all of a sudden, I remembered to look up.  The sky!  It was gorgeous!  A mixture of light blue, orange, and gold.  I couldn’t help but smile and think “a miracle”.

The girls looked chilly, but I was hot.  Excruciatingly hot.  I continued to walk in small circles, fanning my body with my bouquet.  I was thinking about a lot of things – my mom and my dad mostly. 

The music changed to “Brighter Than Sunshine” by Aqualung.  That was the girls’ cue to get moving.  One by one, they walked off, through the arbor and down the path, each stopping to smile at me, standing by myself, all by myself, ten feet away.  And then, for about ten seconds while they waited for each girl to get their spots, I had some time to myself.  I said a quick prayer (“Lord, help me not to trip and get completely muddy.  Please let me make it there without doing the ugly cry.”), adjusted my dress and veil, and waited for my music to start.

When it did, I was fine.  Better than fine, actually.  I was happy, overjoyed even!  I didn’t feel the overwhelming urge to sob.  Sure, I wished my parents were there, but I was ok.  I walked carefully down the steps to an instrumental of “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve. 

I marched down the aisle by myself, smiling at the assembled guests, taking only a few glances to appreciate the aisle decorations.  I could see B standing at the end, a huge smile on his face.  He was all I saw in that moment.

When I grabbed his hand and stepped up to greet the officiant, he gave my hand a squeeze and said “damn baby, you look sexy!”

The attendants closest to us started to laugh, as did I.

Then, we began.  Our officiant said lovely things about trust and love and fate.  About the coming together of two people as friends and lovers – a team for the rest of our lives.  I could hear sniffling and the soft sounds of crying coming from the audience, but as for us?  We were beaming.  When it came time to turn and face him, I handed my bouquet to my friend and grabbed his hands.  He looked genuinely ecstatic.  He squeezed my hands – a little too hard.  I laughed and said “relax!”

We exchanged vows, saying the most important words in our lifetime – “I do.”

Then, as quickly as it began, it was over.  When the officiant said we could kiss, B backed up a little and motioned for me to come closer, then pulled me in for an embrace and a butt grab.  In front of everyone in attendance!  We kissed about five times, to many applause.

If you look closely in the above picture, you can see the geese starting to take flight.  They flew off right as we were about to kiss!

We turned to face the audience, finally taking in those who came to show their support.  I saw my sister crying and smiling.  I saw coworkers.  I saw friends.  I saw tears and smiles, all proclaiming love for the two of us. 

The music changed to “Beautiful Day” by U2 and we made our way back down the aisle, saying hello to loved ones along the way.

Then, just as we were about to cross back under the arbor, I put my head on B’s shoulder and said “we did it!  We finally did it!”

And it wasn’t until days later, that I finally started thinking about that long walk down the aisle by myself.  I was seriously shocked at my lack of tears or fear or sadness.  Those were probably the only moments in my life where I’ve felt sheer and utter happiness.  And then I had a thought – maybe I wasn’t really all alone.  Maybe I was guided down the aisle by my two guardian angels – my mom and dad.

Next time – The reception, with more photos!

When I woke up on my wedding day, it felt like any other day.  I wasn’t nervous.  I didn’t feel sick.  I wasn’t worried.  What I was?  PISSED.  It was still raining.  Sure, it had slowed to a drizzle, but the sky was grey and depressing.  It was just too much disappointment for me.

Regardless, I had shit to do.  So I slowly rose out of bed, took a shower, dried my hair, packed up my overnight bag, and kissed B.  He was still sleeping, and he looked so cute.  I put on a pretty, white button down shirt and jeans.  I wanted to be comfortable but cute.  I went to the dining room table and painted my nails a lovely shade by OPI called “Lift The Veil.”  A pale, subtle pink – it just looked bridal.  I’d gotten a manicure two days before, but go figure, it chipped all to hell.  So there I was, 7 a.m. on my wedding day, painting my nails.

My MOH who was supposed to pick me up at 7:00 was running late, as per usual.  Grunting with dissatisfaction (we’d discussed the need for her to BE ON TIME), I sat impatiently, waiting for her to just show the fuck up already.  Slowly, people in my house started to rise from their sleep.  First my niece, who was coming with me to my other MOH’s house.  Then her boyfriend, then B’s brother, then B.  As my MOH finally pulled into the driveway, I grabbed my suitcase and bag, and started to head out the door.

“Where’s your dress?” she asked me.

OMG I almost left without my dress and veil!

I quickly grabbed my dress and veil from the closet and started to pack the car.  B came with us to help load everything up.  And just as we start to get all the dresses in, our husky jumps into the car, on top of the dresses, in the process spilling coffee everywhere.  It was a mess of dog, dog hair, coffee, and everything else that he tracked in on his dirty feet.  Resigning myself to the saying “something always goes wrong” I just threw my hands in the air, pulled the dog out of the car, kissed B and put on my seatbelt.  It was literally out of my hands at this point.

We headed to the salon to get our hair done.  I had not one, but two, mimosas, before I realized that I’d left my veil at my MOH’s house.  Sending her back for it, I noticed my cell phone was ringing.  Seriously?!  Why can’t anyone just leave me alone on today of all days?!

It was my sister – the nice one.  She’d just finished up breakfast with our other sister – the bitchy one.  It was very clear that she wasn’t that happy for me, in fact commenting that she couldn’t believe I hadn’t asked my sisters to be bridesmaids.  Seriously – one of them is 11 years older than me, in her late 30s.  The other is old enough to be my mother.  She’s 19 years older than me.  Bridesmaids?  Are you kidding?  We had a good laugh about her general insanity, and I got back to the task at hand – getting ready for my wedding day.

After paying the bill ($90 for my up-do), we headed out the door and back to the house.  My makeup artist and the other two bridesmaids were arriving.  I sat in the chair and had my face done, then scarfed down some food.  I remember eating half of an “everything” bagel with veggie cream cheese and 2 small biscuits with some chicken salad on them.  So much for avoiding carbs!

I thought we’d have plenty of time to relax, but when you have one bride, five bridesmaids, and a mother of the maid of honor in the same house, everything kind of gets fuzzy and rushed.  But I looked around and noticed how beautiful everyone looked.  And when one of the girls asked me if I was nervous, I said no.  I really wasn’t.  I just couldn’t wait to get there and get everything started. 

I took one final look at myself in the mirror before we walked out the door.  With my hair pulled back, makeup professionally applied, and the longest set of false eyelashes I’ve ever seen, I looked positively bridal.  I looked calm, serene even. 

We loaded up the car, yet again, and made our way to the venue.  But first, we had to fight a tiny bit of traffic, and we’d left 15 minutes behind schedule.  This is just the way things work.  I’m the only person I know who is always on time, and when I put myself in someone else’s hands, I can’t always be on time.  I’m on their time.  So I had to do something I don’t do very well – sit back and relax.  Thanks to my MOH realizing how nuts it was all making me and deciding to speed the whole way there, we managed to get there only a few minutes late.

I stopped off at the reception hall to look at everything, and even with it only half-way set up, I was in amazement.  It looked beautiful and way better than I ever could have hoped.  Then, my cake got delivered.  Everyone OOHed and AHHed over it.  I mean, see for yourself how gorgeous it was:

Bottom tier: chocolate with raspberry filling.  Middle and top tiers: almond with chocolate bavarian creme filling.

Then it was time to get ready.  We made our way to the dressing room, which was tinier than I was hoping it would be.  But no worries!  We popped a bottle of champagne and I sat down to write out a card to B.

Before I knew it, our coordinator was delivering a card for me from him.  And try as I might not to cry, it was pointless.  He started off by calling me the nickname he gave me years ago (Toots), then said how happy he was to be marrying me.  Then he wrote some other things that put my card to shame – things so sweet, I couldn’t bare to share it with anyone.  Things meant only for my eyes, things best left between a husband and wife.  Here we were, 10 years after first getting together, thinking we knew everything in each other’s hearts.  And here I was, left speechless by his love for me.  I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be marrying him.

After some picture taking, I glanced at the clock.  4:20 p.m.  We were set to leave and begin walking to the garden at any moment. 

Our coordinator showed up with a huge smile on her face and said “Stacey, the sun is out!  All of a sudden, the clouds just broke and you won’t believe it when you see it.  It’s gorgeous out there!”

I grabbed my bouquet, took one last look in the mirror, and made my way out the door. 

Next time:  the ceremony, with pictures!

Hi, all.  Whew.  Talk about a whirlwind couple of days.  Coming back to work after being gone for 11 days is never fun.  I had 196 emails and a fucking scary to-do list.  I’m about 2/3 of the way through it, so I thought I’d take a moment to say hi and let you know that my job is safe!  Thankfully.  We lost two people at our location – one of them having been here for 30 years and the other for 6.  It’s tough times out there.  I feel so bad for them.  I’m also grateful I still have a job.

But on to the stuff you really want to know – wedding details!

Thursday, Nov 12 really was an awful day.  I woke up to grey skies and pounding rain.  “Oh no, this can’t bode well for Saturday,” I thought.  I put on a brave face and some warm clothes and made myself some breakfast.  B went to work that day, then later on, to a funeral for his uncle.  I had wedding errands to do. 

One of my MOHs picked me up and we made our way to Chick Fil-A for some breakfast for us and the other MOH and once we got to her house, we ate and talked plans over.  That day we braved the torrential downpour to buy shoes, supplies for the rehearsal dinner, last-minute wedding supplies (seriously, I’m so glad my ribbon buying days are over!), etc.  It went something like this:  drive, walk in the rain, curse at broken umbrellas, get soaking wet, complain about cold, wet feet, curse some more, eat lunch, drive, walk in rain, curse, shop.  Seriously.  It was like that all damn day.

We also managed to assemble the rehearsal dinner.  Homemade lasagnas, appetizers, salad, and dessert.  Mmm! 

When I went home that night, I crossed my fingers and said a prayer that the rain would end.  However, the weather forecast wasn’t giving me much hope for the weekend.  That night, while I waited for B to get back from his uncle’s funeral, I finished the escort cards.  At the end of the night, my back and neck were sore, I had a headache, and I had serious doubts that everything would fall into place in time.  I slept fitfully that night.

Friday, Nov. 13 was another dreary, rainy day.  My niece was running late, as per usual.  B and I got dressed and, after meeting with my niece and her boyfriend, we headed off to the rehearsal.

The rehearsal was a lot more fun than I thought it would be.  We discussed a back-up plan in case of the rain, and then I showed our coordinator all the stuff I brought and instructed her about how it was to be set up.  Once the officiant arrived, we rehearsed the ceremony then took a bunch of pictures.  (I’d love to show you some, but I haven’t uploaded any photos yet.  Maybe after I finish the recaps, I’ll do a post with some pictures.)

The rehearsal dinner was amazing.  We dined on two types of lasagna (vegetarian with spinach and mushrooms, traditional with ground turkey and italian sausage), greek salad, garlic bread, bruschetta, and various cheeses.  Afterwards, we gorged ourselves on tiramisu and cheesecake.  Then it was time to hand out the bridal party gifts.  B and I thanked everyone for coming and mentioned the people who got us through the whole process. 

I held it together really well until my two MOHs gave me a scrapbook that documented the entire wedding planning process.  In it were letters from family and friends wishing us well, and pictures of me during planning events and me with friends.  That’s where I lost it.  I started to do the Ugly Cry, but managed to pull it together and laugh at myself.  Once everyone went back to chatting and drinking, I pulled B aside for a hug.

“It finally feels real,” he said.

As I snuggled into his neck, I thought “yes, if only Mom and Dad could be here.”

We had the best time.  The absolute best time.  The food was fantastic and the company was great, and although my Crazy Sister gave me some grief (and didn’t attend the dinner), a fun time was had by all.  It was so great to sit down with my best friends and the family I’ve picked for myself, along with my sweet older sister, and celebrate and relax.  Weddings are super stressful, and brides aren’t lying when they say the rehearsal dinner is a laid-back opportunity to have some fun.

I wouldn’t change a thing about having it at my friend’s house.  Not only did it save us a ton of money ($160 as opposed to $600 at the restaurant), but it was intimate and we could be as loud as we wanted. 

Then, we headed home to get some sleep (or try to!), for the next day was the wedding.  But the big question was, would the rain ever stop?

Facebook is a really  marvelous invention.

Sometimes.

Its great when you are on your honeymoon and you know that you can use the resorts computers to check your email and Facebook accounts to see who emailed or posted pictures from your wedding, since ya know…it will be weeks before you get them from the photographer.

Facebook also kind of sucks when thats how you find out that your company  made huge cuts in its staff. 

I logged in earlier to look at pics from our wedding and one of my coworkers posted a status update mentioning the cuts.  No names, just a general statement.  And now Im left wondering if my job is safe.

Surely they wouldnt cut me when Im on my honeymoon.

Also, I hate this keyboard.  I cant find a question mark or an apostrophe.  Goddammitalltohell.

I emailed my boss from my personal email.  Im awaiting her response.

But enough with the sad, anxious news.  Can I just tell you, our wedding was beautiful and fun and everything I wanted it to be!  I had such a good time and the sun was lit up with sunshine and the most amazing sunset later on.  Our photographer showed us a few pics during the night, and I am amazed.  Our venue said they were going to use our photos for their promo stand at the bridal shows.  Yes, it was a gorgeous affair.

Ill do a recap when I get back.  In the meantime, pray for me that I still have a job to return to.

So yeah.  I’m getting married in 3 days.

Yet, it still doesn’t feel quite real.  Hmmm…

Not to mention the fact that we’re in the middle of a period of heavy rain.  It’s supposed to stop by Saturday, leaving the forecast for the actual wedding day one of mostly cloudy, but 65 degrees.  That much, I can handle.  Unfortunately, it seems as though our rehearsal might be rained out.  We’ll still attend, but who knows how it’s going to work with 12 people trying to rehearse a ceremony in a different location.  Oy.  I can’t worry about it though, because I’m too stinkin’ happy to worry about anything!

Today is my last day of work until the 23rd.  Which basically means that, aside from a few tweets (follow me @StaceyParadise), I likely won’t blog until I get back from our honeymoon. 

On the agenda for tomorrow:  lunch with my MOHs, setting up for my rehearsal dinner, cooking, then mani/pedis. 

Friday will be filled with the arrival of family, the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, then trying my hardest to get some sleep.  I’m staying at home, in my own bed with B the night before.  Surely not everyone would make the same choice, but we both felt that we’d like to be in our own home, with our dogs and each other, before the craziness ensues.

On Saturday morning, one of my MOHs will pick me up at 7:00 a.m. to start the day.  I have a hair appointment at 9:00, makeup at 11:30, then brunch with my bridesmaids.  Afterwards, we’ll head to the venue to get me hitched.

Words cannot express how happy I am to be marrying my best friend.  B has been an absolute doll.  He sat at the dining room table with me for 2 hours last night, working on the escort cards and perfecting the seating chart.  And when my back started to hurt?  He gave me a massage.  Friends, I think he’s a keeper.

I asked him last night if he was nervous.

He grinned, then said “a little.”

“Why?  What’s there to be nervous about?”

“I don’t know, just standing there, everyone’s eyes on me.  It’s nerve-wracking.” 

So I did what any girl in my shoes would do.  I explained “honey, everyone will be way more concerned about what my dress looks like.  If anyone should be nervous about being the center of attention, it should be me.”  Then I smiled and ruffled his hair.

It’s hard to believe that after all this time, 10 years later, we’re standing here on the precipice of our future together.  I never would have imagined, back in 1999, that the boy who was assigned to be my desk partner in Algebra would end up as my husband.  And when I think back to all the other boys – the ones who toyed with my emotions, the ones who broke my heart, the ones who played games over the course of the last 26 years of my life, I am so grateful.  For if they hadn’t all been complete assholes, I might never have ended up right here.  Where I belong.

Thank you all for following me on this journey, even if hearing about weddings isn’t exactly your thing.  I’m so lucky to have gotten to know so many great people through this blog, people who have been a great support system, my cheerleaders even.  I wish you all could be there to see it all come to fruition.

I look forward to coming back and catching up with everyone.  In the meantime, cross your fingers and say a prayer for us that the rain holds out and that our day is as beautiful as we want it to be.

When I come back, I’ll be married.  A wife.  It’s so hard to imagine!

I often wonder how different my life might have been, if my parents hadn’t divorced.

My parents had three children, all four years apart.  Then I came along, 11 years after the third.  The baby of the family.  We lived in a nice house on a nice street and had nice cars.  We weren’t wealthy by any means, but both my mom and dad worked hard to provide for their family.  My father, I’ve been told, cheated on my mom throughout their marriage.  My mom, I’ve been told, turned a blind eye to his behavior and loved him anyway.  And then, 20+ years after they married, they divorced.  I was three.

I often wonder how different my life might have been, had my dad not remarried.

He met her at the bank.  She was a teller, and she was married.  Her husband was abusive and she had a baby, not even a year old.  It’s funny, when I think back to hearing about this story, never once did they say “…and then we fell in love.”  It seemed as though she left her husband for my father out of convenience.   I was six.

I often wonder how different my life might have been, had my mother not died.

She’d been a single mom for about five years.  She worked around the clock to support her children.  We lived in an apartment.  I never went without – whether it was food or toys or clothes or love.  There was always more than enough to go around.  Suddenly, and without warning, she had cancer.  She was given a month, maybe two, to live.  She died three weeks later.  I was eight.

I often wonder how different my life might have been, had I not been subjected to horrible treatment at the hands of my stepmother.

She was manipulative, judgmental, and resentful.  She didn’t like me, and she made it perfectly clear.  One day, while cleaning the house as part of my chores, I was given the task of dusting every piece of furniture in the house.  When I made my way into their bedroom, I saw her journal sitting on the bedside table.  Curious to see what she really felt, I made the mistake of opening it up and reading a page.  I’ll never forget what I saw.  “I wish it were just me, him, and [her daughter].  I wish Stacey wasn’t here.”  I was eleven.

I often wonder how different my life might have been, had my father not died.

My dad was many things – funny, whip-smart, methodical, logical, and an alcoholic.  He battled personal demons his entire life, but he was a good dad.  He made his fair share of mistakes, and we had some head-to-head battles in our relationship.  But he was always my dad.  He was always on my side, whether I was right or wrong, and he loved me fiercely.  Perhaps more than his other children, for our relationship was different.  He looked at me more as an equal, and he sought out my opinions and thoughts on a regular basis.  When he died, he took with him every facet of what “family” meant to me.  I’d never again have a parent, a confidante, unconditional love without judgment.  I was twenty two.

I’ve often wondered how different my life might have been, had all of these things not happened to me.  But they did, and I can’t go back now.  Through all of these challenges, I grew.  With every obstacle, I put into place a piece of myself, a piece of my personality, a piece of my armor against the world.  I’m a little harsher than I’d like to be, and not half as positive as I had hoped to be by this point in my life.  However, I’m a work in progress.  When I look back on all these things, I’m reflective, quiet, angry.  Why did these things have to happen to me?  Why couldn’t I have had a “normal” upbringing?  But then I see that I’ve already faced down more troubles than most people my age, and I’m far older than my peers in life experience and wisdom.  I like to think that I’m more resilient, too.

Something’s been “off.”  I’ve been hungrier, insatiable when it comes to food, really.  I can’t sleep.  As soon as I lay down to go to sleep, my mind races and I feel like I can’t shut it off.  And just today, I developed a stomach ache from hell that, while helpful in the fact that my appetite is now diminished, has made my ability to focus at work all but non-existant.  What’s the deal?

I think I’m officially stressed out.  Stress is something we’re all used to.  Often, we say “God, I’m so stressed out!”  But how often is really STRESS, and not just an irritating situation?

In case you were wondering, here are the top ten stressful life situations, courtesy of HelpGuide.org:

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Top Ten Stressful Life Events

1. Spouse’s death
2. Divorce
3. Marriage separation
4. Jail term
5. Death of a close relative
6. Injury or illness
7. Marriage  <————- Oh, why hello!
8. Fired from job
9. Marriage reconciliation
10. Retirement

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Yes, my friends, I believe I’m suffering from a bout of actual, physical and emotional STRESS.  I’m not pandering for sympathy.  I just thought maybe all of us could use this information at some time. 

***

So, what do I do?  Well, now that I understand the reasons behind my persistent back and neck pain, inability to relax my shoulders, stomach pains, insatiable appetite, moodiness, avoidance of social situations and general unwillingness to DO ANYTHING, I think I need to find a way to manage my stress and fucking relax, already.

Oh, hi.  I’m getting married in 9 days.  Does everyone feel this way 9 days before their wedding?  It’s almost unthinkable to me that in 9 days I have to put on my wedding dress, walk myself down the aisle, and interact with 60 of my nearest and dearest.  But, it has to be done.  Nay, I’m looking forward to it, as long as I survive until next Saturday and not too many things go wrong.  However, it’s almost unreal the amount of things I have to do before then.  I’m paying my final bill today (hallelujah!  We paid for this baby ENTIRELY BY OURSELVES!  I hear a “how to pay for your wedding by yourself when your family SUCKS” post coming on, post-honeymoon!), and then it’s all about making sure I’ve got everything packed and ready to go.  But there’s the terrifying task of dealing with our families in the next few days to figure out and attend to.

So I beg you, please tell me what you do to relax!

I survived my bachelorette party!

Suffice it to say, there was penis cake, penis whistles, penis straws, penis utensils, a sex toy party, 80s accessories (including fingerless gloves AND hair mascara!), my red snakeskin heels, a very cute purple clutch, and lots and lots of wine.

There was also dinner at a waterfront seafood restaurant, and traipsing through downtown Richmond.  There was tequila and soco and lime and vodka-cranberries.  I totally re-lived my earlier 20s by dancing to Britney Spears AND falling down on the sidewalk.  Hey, you only live once, right?

All in all, it was a glorious time, and even though I had the Headache From Hell the next day, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. 

I had several moments where I had to make myself remember that this was about me.  For example, when the waitress asked “so who is the blushing bride?”  I sat there quietly, then thought “oh!”  And then I had this moment on Sunday when I realized “Holy shit, that’s it.  All the pre-wedding stuff is done.  Now it’s time for the wedding.”  As in, I’m getting married soon.  REALLY soon.

18 days.

Hoooooooooooooooooooly Fuck.  I can’t wait!