Patience is not my virtue

I’m terribly fucking impatient. 

There, I said it.

It’s so bad that other people comment on it.  I recognize it in myself, even.  And what’s that they say?  Usually we don’t see the worst of ourselves because we don’t want to?  Well, I see this about me.  I see it every day.  It’s there when people are driving too slow (too slow for whom?).  It’s there when I’m standing in line behind someone and I’m making a face and sighing just a little too loud, waiting for them to hurry it the hell up.  It’s there when I’m waiting on someone who is late (it’s always someone else who is late, never me).  I’m just terribly fucking impatient and, unfortunately, I don’t ever see that changing.

So that’s why I’m in my present predicament.  I’m terribly fucking tired of not being engaged.

B and I looked at rings and ordered a setting in December.  Most people would cringe at the thought, thinking “why would you ever want to know when your ring is coming or how it will look?”  Well, it worked for me us.  Things have been so great with us for a long time now, and we wanted to really take the next step together.  I made him promise not to divulge what the center diamond will look like or when he’ll do it.  He has obliged.  But I know that he can tell that I’m getting terribly distraught over the non-appearance of a diamond on my left ring finger.  He just chuckles, shrugs his shoulders, and tells me to be patient.

Ha.  That’s funny.

Something is up though.  He’s been acting kind of strange.  When I did the laundry the other day, I did his for him because he’s been working so late and he hasn’t had the time.  He yelled at me when he saw me moving towards his side of the closet. 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” he shrieked.

“Umm…putting your clothes away.  Is that okay?”

“NO!  I’ll do it.  Umm…I mean, I don’t need you to do it.  Actually, please just stay away from the closet.  And the dresser.  Thanks, babe.”

If I was a lesser woman, I’d wait for the first moment he left and I’d head straight there, curious about what he’s hiding.  But I thought about it while folding more clothes, and something inside told me that this might be coming very soon.  I might not have to be impatient much longer. 

You know that saying “when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now”?  Well yeah, like that one State Farm (Allstate?  Whatever) insurance commercial, I’m there.  Been there.  Been there, waiting with a very tense expression on my face.  All the while, I’ve been trying to maintain some normal level of patience and grace.

I’m just not so good at it.

I’m very grateful for what I’ve got.  I know I’ve got a guy who loves me to death, in spite of my flaws and because of my quirks.  He’s my best friend in the world and I trust him with my whole life.  We’ve both given so much of ourselves to this relationship.  We’ve been scrutinized, judged, and examined for all of our choices, and I just think we deserve the chance to prove to everyone our intentions of staying together forever.  And truthfully?  I’m dying to be more than just his girlfriend.  Our relationship is so much bigger than all of that.  It’s not perfect by any means, but dammit, it’s pretty damn great. 

On the other hand, I’ve come to realize that when I really need to, I can keep a secret.  Only the BFF knows about the setting.  I’d say that’s pretty impressive!

Tighten up, slacker

All day today I’ve stared at my computer screen, then at the paltry list of things to be accomplished by 4:30 today, when I will leave to begin a very anticipated, refreshing weekend.  I’ve twiddled my thumbs, sighed about a hundred times, and stared at my shoes.  I’ve picked at my cuticles, filed my nails, and examined my pores in the mirror of my compact.  Then I thought to myself, you’d probably pass a lot more time if you sat down and typed out an entry on WordPress.  It’s just lately, for some reason, I feel as though I’ve got nothing worth saying writing. 

It’s not that things are great and without conflict.  There’s always a little bit of conflict.  I could tell you about the the tension, the nightmares, the unfortunate set of circumstances that made this week one hell of a bad week for B, but I don’t want to dwell on the past.  After all, it’s over, so what’s the point in rehashing it out again?  I could tell you about the frustration I’ve experienced with my job, but where does that get me?  I could tell you about my total impatience regarding becoming engaged, but no no no, none of these things will suffice.  Instead, I just need to tell myself “tighten up, slacker.”  So that’s what I’m going to do.

The past few weeks (oh, who the hell am I kidding?  The past MONTH) has been a whirlwind of emotions.  I’ve experienced everything from anger to sadness to total loss.  I’ve been way, way up, and so, so low.  I’ve felt excited, accomplished, and hopeful.  But I’ve also felt alone, stifled, and pessimistic.  But it’s all over now. 

To sum up my trip to NYC, I must say — forgive me for not posting a review and pictures as I promised.  I’m still staring at my photos wondering what exactly I can crop out that will still give you a sense of who I am and what I look like without totally forgoing my anonymity.  Anyone have any suggestions?  Also, the trip was fantastic.  I saw a performance of Wicked, which was just simply amazing, and dare I say it, life changing.  I breathed in the sights, smells, and experiences of the city, and decided that if I were to pick one city in the world I’d live in, it would be New York City for sure.  I hailed my first cab; nearly died on a fast-paced, dangerous shuttle ride complete with a nightmare driver; was disgusted by the Subway, but also strangely fascinated by its users; saw the Empire State Building; walked the streets of Manhattan while staring straight at the sky like a total tourist.  In short, I did all I could do in four days, and when I came home, I’d never experienced such pains in my legs and hips from all that walking!  I took a tour of the city and breathed it all in, and at the risk of sounding really corny, I felt more alive there than I’ve ever felt in any other place I’ve ever been.  I just, well, loved it.  For everything it was.

This weekend I’m looking forward to hanging out with my girlfriends, seeing Sex and the City tonight (SQUEE!), having a girls night out, and catching some sun.  I can’t wait for the Country Fest concert at the Richmond Raceway complex so I can listen to B’s favorite music and snuggle in his arms.  I’m not exactly a “country girl”, but I can appreciate country music.  I also have a short list of things house-related I’d like to get done, but I’m not going to pressure myself into doing them, because life?  

It’s what happens when you’re too busy making other plans.

I just need to remember to breathe, smile, and be patient.  Good things are coming, and I just need to live every second for what it’s worth. 

The universe likes to taunt me

Hey folks.  I’m well aware that I haven’t blogged about my NYC trip yet.  Along with those promised photos!  Progress and patience, progress and patience.  I’m going to work on getting the photos uploaded today.  Just when I thought things were moving along swiftly and gregariously, the universe decided to throw me one of its infamous curveballs.  I’ve had a rough couple of days and I haven’t really had time to breathe, let alone blog or do anything not related to simply staying calm and surviving the storm of shit that passed over me.  No worries…the skies are clearing up and things seem to be back on the upswing.  I just need a day or two to regroup and get my thoughts in check.  I miss you all and I’ll be back to updating and commenting and catching up just as soon as I can wrap my head around things. 

Invisible.

Waking up with a start this morning, I jumped out of bed and was astounded at what I realized.  He is still angry at me for the way I behaved last night, and he left without saying goodbye.  There aren’t enough words to explain how torn apart I felt in that instant.  I’d rather be given a kiss begrudgingly than made to feel as though I don’t even exist.  As if I don’t even matter.  I thought that “sleeping on it” would have made it seem better this morning.  Only now, it all feels so much worse.

WTF Wednesday: Surprise, Surprise

First of all, let me just say, I’m back from my vacation in Manhattan, and I am EXHAUSTED.  I really do believe it may take me a few days to recover from all the walking!  I wish I had a pedometer to keep track of how much land I covered but alas, this wasn’t the case.  I promise to update in the next couple of days or so with details and pictures (!).  I just need some time to chill out, recharge, and upload all those photos first.  I figured a WTF post would help clear out my brain a little.

1.  Why are vacations so exhausting?  I feel like I can’t sleep properly, and even though I’ve passed out EARLY the last few nights, I still wake up tired and barely able to move. 

2.  I hate it when friends “friends” lie to you.  Especially to your face.  Especially when it’s about something really simple and easy to tell the truth about.  Oh, such as, I don’t know, whether or not you’re in a relationship.  What’s with all the secrecy?  I had a “friend” tell me to my face that her and a guy were “just friends”, but she turns around and tells someone else (who had ALSO asked her this same question a few days before) that she’s been his “girlfriend” for “two weeks.”  WTF?!  Sorry for all the “quotes” but I can’t really keep the “truth” and “lies” separate from each other.  Geeesh.  Talking to her is requiring way too much thought, analyzing, and energy.

3.  Back to work.  86 emails.  Let me just give you a moment to absorb that.

…

86 emails.  86 emails?!  86 emails?!    Holy mother of God, please shoot me.

4.  Gas prices.  That’s all I’m gonna say.

5.  While I was gone, B did a GREAT job of keeping the house clean.  There were no dishes laying around or in the sink.  Our pets were well taken care of.  However, what did he NOT DO at all in the 4 days I was gone?  Vaccuum.  We own a siberian husky.  Doesn’t that say enough? 

6.  Let’s get back to this work thing really quick — if someone is on vacation, you know HYPOTHETICALLY, and they won’t be there for 4 days or so…would you send them an email asking them to do something simple such as “make me a copy of this”, get the obligatory “I am on vacation” automated email response, and STILL WAIT FOR THEM TO GET BACK, you know, FOUR DAYS LATER, and make them still get you a copy of something?  You know, HYPOTHETICALLY?!  Seriously, I may have HYPOTHETICALLY had about 5 such small requests like this.  In those 86 emails.  I wanted to jab my own eyes out with a pen.

Enough bitchin’.  Coming soon:  what I think about the Subway system and those who use it; how many times I lost my MetroCard; what it’s REALLY like to view the Statue of Liberty; how to survive in a small hotel room for 4 days with someone who grates on your nerves; and finally, all those beautiful pics of me, photoshopped to hell so you can’t tell who I am.  You know, just because I like to make things difficult for myself! 

I missed B.  I missed you all!  It’s good to be back

On Mothers and Manhattan

Sunday was Mother’s Day.  Every year for me, it’s just another day.  Just another day to remember my mom, and try to remember what it felt like to have one.  Not surprisingly, I tend to be quiet and reflective, preferring to be alone.  When I woke up this year on Mother’s Day, it was no different.  B was headed out the door to play soccer with friends, kissing me as he left.  I laid in bed, playing with my pup, then started thinking about things.  It didn’t take long before my eyes filled with tears, and I had to get up and get moving.  It tends to be the only day I cry about her now.  Sometimes on Christmas too, but mostly just Mother’s Day.  It hurts not having her here to buy flowers for, to spend time with.  I found myself watching tv spacing out to the television for a few hours.  Eventually, I just got up and got to work cleaning and being domestic.  It’s really the only way to let it all go.

I leave for NYC on Thursday morning.  I’m taking off from Richmond at 6 and will be arriving at JFK at 7:15 a.m.  I’m super excited.  I’m going to miss B like crazy, but I love to travel and time away will do my soul some good. 

I promise to post pics when I’m back!  How about that?  Perhaps you’ll even get a few of me, with my face cut out of them.  No promises on that one.  It will be hard to explain that to a friend who doesn’t know about my blog.  But we’ll see what I can pull off.

Set of 3 Tables for Sale!

To all of my lovely freaders and lurkers

I’m selling a set of three tables — one coffee table, two end tables — silver metal bottoms and glass tops.  They’re in excellent condition, and B and I purchased them originally for well over $300.  I’m willing to sell the three of them for $175.  The coffee table is oval.  The end tables are round.  I would post pictures, but my digital camera decided to die.  I have pictures of them stored in my cell phone, and if anyone is interested, I’m willing to picture text you the photos.  We’ll have to work out something for shipping, of course.

If anyone is interested, please email me at chasingparadise@wordpress.com.

 

For me, and only me.

Saturday I had a date with myself.  I needed to go shopping desperately because ever since I changed my eating habits, I’ve lost a lot of weight.  I only had one pair of pants I could wear to work, and they had gotten a little too loose.  (The downside of losing a lot of weight?  Let me rephrase that…The only downside to losing a lot of weight?  It costs a lot to keep yourself clothed properly!)  When I weighed myself Saturday morning, I noticed I was down 36 pounds since New Year’s Day.  It’s all very exciting, but I’m used to losing weight by now, so I just smiled to myself and hopped in the shower.  It wasn’t until later on, in the dressing room of a store, that it really hit me.

I grabbed a few things to try on — a denim skirt, some dress pants, and a few tops.  I grabbed things in my current size and one size smaller, just in case.  MIraculously, all the tops I tried on were too big, and I had to grab a smaller size.  This has not happened — not in years.  I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and kept moving through the huge pile of clothes.  I put on the denim skirt in my current size and it slid down my hips, noticeably too big for me.  I unbuttoned the one in a size smaller, turned away from the mirror, and closed my eyes.  When I pulled it up from my ankles, above my knees, to my waist, and buttoned it, I nearly burst into tears.  It fit perfectly.   When I turned around to look in the mirror at the image staring back at me, I could hardly believe it.  I was standing in a dressing room, wearing the same size I wore as a freshman and sophomore in high school.  From there, it was all a blur.  I tried on everything I had brought in with me, making piles of “way too big” and “perfect” on the bench.  After I finished trying all of those on, I grabbed bikinis.  BIKINIS!  Who am I?! 

All in all, I bought four new pairs of pants for work.  I went the sensible route — I bought only things I needed right now, since the money situation is kinda tight, and pants for work are a priority.  But it felt SO! Damn! Amazing! to put on skirts and shorts and dresses that are TWO SIZES SMALLER than I was on New Year’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!  I felt so proud of myself, like I had climbed this huge mountain all by myself, had done it the right way, and I was reaching the summit.  Because you see, I’m not finished yet.

I’ve never been “small.”  I will never be a size 2 or a 4.  That is just not possible.  When I was in 7th grade, I wore a size 7/8, and my dad called me “skinny minny.”  He would say “you have chicken legs, but I love you.”  By the time I got to high school, I was in a 9/10, but I was active and I felt pretty.  I was a cheerleader and I had no extra “jiggle.”  It was just the way my body was built — muscular, strong, with a curvy body shape and hips.  Hips for days.  But it never bothered me.  Junior year, I inched my way into 11/12s and I was getting worried.  But I told myself “you’re growing up and you’re turning into a woman.”  Then, in college, I started to be more proactive about it.  Freshman year I worked out like a maniac and lived off of salads.  I didn’t weigh myself, but looking back, I’d say I probably dropped about 15 pounds or so.  My 11/12s were too big on me, but I just wore a belt and sucked it up.  I was too broke back then to buy new clothes (Ed. note:  I was too busy putting myself through school and paying for everything all by myself).  But then, after I joined a sorority and started going out more often and “socializing” (Ed. Note: ahem, drinking!) I gained weight pretty quickly.  I avoided scales at all costs, but it didn’t take a genius to know that I’d crossed the threshold from “curvy” to “plus-size”.  I was officially into a 13/14 and that was not okay. 

After graduation, I joined a gym and worked out like a fiend.  Everyone said that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, but I refused to weigh myself.  Facing the number on the scale seemed like an insurmountable task that I couldn’t bear to attempt.  I took spin classes, dance classes, lifted weights, and did millions of sit-ups.  But nothing that I did was able to get me into smaller pants.  Nothing.  It was daunting.  Now, looking back, I realize I just wasn’t eating right to go along with the working out.  Back then, I figured this was just my body type, that I was just a plus-sized girl and there was nothing I could do about it.  I stopped being comfortable having sex with the lights on.  I didn’t want B to see me naked in full view.  I’m sure it was frustrating for him, but he was wonderful about it, and he would just say “baby, you’re so beautiful and I love you the way you are…all of you.”  I would smile, but really, I knew deep down I needed to lose some weight.  For me, and only me.

What did it for me?  I went on the South Beach Diet.  It totally kicked my ass in the first two weeks, but it was worth it.  My blood chemistry is better, my blood pressure is phenomenal, and well, there’s the whole issue of how I’ve lost 36 pounds, two sizes, and 5 inches from my waist.  My face and arms are much thinner, and actually, my hair is stronger.  I guess all the nutrients I’ve substituted for the empty calories in my diet have paid off!  I feel stronger, and I’m able to do more.  I’m finally back into a size 10, and not to toot my own horn too much, but I look great!  The South Beach Diet will always be a part of my life, because it has taught me the proper way to eat.  I eat whole grain bread instead of white; brown rice instead of white; fruit instead of crackers/cookies; splenda instead of sugar.  It’s really simple and easy to follow.  And, I never feel hungry.

Looking back on New Year’s Day, when I finally had the nerve to hop on a scale, I think I knew it was time.  It was almost as if someone was in my head telling me to stop being scared and start doing something about it.  I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to do it at first.  I thought I’d lose 15 pounds at the most.  But because of a lot of hard work, a lot of self-determination, and with the support of B, I’ve lost 36 pounds and I still have a little ways to go.

My ultimate goal is to lose another 12.  At that point, I’ll be down 48 pounds and possibly 3 sizes.  I did this for myself, but it’s pretty great that B said to me last night “You know, ever since you started losing all this weight, I really can’t take my eyes off of you!”

And, we had sex last night…with all the lights in the house on.

Enough bitching (well, almost)

For the past couple of days, I’ve logged into WordPress and just stared at the blinking cursor.  After about 2 or 3 minutes of this, I’ve logged out and resumed mindlessly twiddling my thumbs.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say.  It’s just that the things I have to say?  Well, they’re stupid.  I can think about plenty of things to bitch about (hey maybe I should resume WTF Wednesday next week) but I’m tired of bitching.  I’m tired of things ticking me off, ruining my day, and all in all turning me into a Sour Sally.  All these frowns aren’t good for preventing wrinkles after all.  The real problem is, I don’t really have anything to be happy about right now.  It’s been a tough week.  I’m tired of work.  I’m tired of the strange dreams at night that prompt me to wake up confused and angry.  AND I’ve come to the realization that no matter how much you want to trust someone, to like them unconditionally, to believe in them, if they suck as a person it’s just not going to happen.  What do you do when someone who you’ve invested real time and energy into turns out to be a selfish brat who doesn’t take your feelings into consideration?

Dammit, there I go with the bitching.

I leave for NYC in just under two weeks.  I’m hella excited about this, but also kind of weary because the person I’m bitching about above?  Yeah, she’s my travelling companion.  I just pray that everything works out, and she can put her selfish attitude aside for three days.  (On a side note, if anyone has some recommendations of things to do and see while I’m there, please let me know.  I’ve got all the basics lined up:  Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty & Ellis Island, The Met, etc.  Give me some little-known spots or dining recommendations!)

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy and chaotic.  I’ve been running around like a mad-woman who’s trying to DO! IT! ALL! and in the shortest amount of time imaginable, so I’m kind of run down.  Here’s how I envision this weekend proceeding:  Watch movies tonight and stay up as late as I can (to therefore enhance the amount of time I can sleep in tomorrow!).  Clean my house.  Make some tasty food.  Work on staining my deck (that bitch is taking FOREVER!).  Do some yard work.  Maybe have dinner with bff.  Buy a birthday present for my sorta-kinda little sis (she’s the little sis of a best friend who is turning 16), go to her birthday cookout and see my sorta-kinda adoptive family.  All in all, some quality time with people who matter, and some rest and relaxation.  B will be stuck working tomorrow (the pitfalls of his job - spring and summer are crazy busy), so I won’t see him much this weekend.  But that’s okay.  That alone time I discussed in a previous post?  Yeah, I’m needing a little bit of that again…

..if only to evaluate some things and sort out some confusion in my head regarding relationships with friends.  Because really — I can’t take much more of this shit!

Just a thought…

Whatever happened to manners?  Whatever happened to appreciation and gratitude?  Whatever happened to people being thankful for help that is offered?  Whatever happened to showing some respect and working with others?

What has happened to common decency?

People never fail to surprise me with their total lack of respect, consideration, and humility.  They forget the value in the words “I’m sorry” or “I screwed up.” 

All in all, it disgusts me and makes me remember that sometimes, people are just rude assholes!